Hi there it's Silver here and I recently read a story by xxMoonlitexx called moon daughter, and it was so bad, I decided to do a commentary on it. I am going to add comments in bold throughout the story, so if you see something in bold, that is my comment. Anyways, I. hope you enjoy!
Bold – My comments
Bold Italics - Sarcasm
Chapter 1 – Where I get claimed
My gray eyes satred back at me from the fountain, sad like the end of a summer storm. Luke was dead….Percy Jackson killed him last year in Olympus. Actually, Luke technically commited suicide I groned as I sat up in bed. I had a dream last night where I was claimed. I didn't know my parents ever, I was an orphan on the Streets of NYC city until a family on a farm took me in, but soon I was bullied by their daughter Brittany. with four diffrent coach Purses and bitchy blond hair How can hair be bitchy?. She called me a freak because I had sliver eyes, black hair I cut by myslef so it was uneven and wore the same lether jacket everyday. Didn't it get dirty? One day I had enough so I ran away only to find my way to Kronos's Army…..and Luke. I was a deimgod!
I knew I claimed today, because demigod dreams are like that, were not like normal people. I smiled to myself because I hated cabin number 11. The other demigods were mean and bullied me because I wasn't claimed half of cabin 11 isn't claimed, also they always talked about how evil monsters were, but Luke and I knew better because the monsters in the army weren't evil, they were actually misjudged because they worked for Kronos Oh, I'm not evil, I just work for the bad guy but many had good hearts, a draceema saved my life once from an evil rappist I can relate. I much prefer metal music to rap music. when I was in the streets.
"Hey Flavia, you talking to your monster friends," Laughed Annabeth, Percy's slutty girlfreind. She is blond and a Bitch, and from Athena, who are all like that. Actually, children of Athena are smart. She used have a crush on Luke, but she never had a chance…..Luke told me himself the only one love was me. Before he died. No, he told you after he was dead.
My eyes blazed wrathly, I knew she meant my BFF Ivy the Dryad Dryads aren't monsters!. Ivy was bullied by the other deimgods because she is a Dryad and they hate Dryads because they are monsters Again, dryads aren't monsters!. "Eff off! My god parent is powerful to defend Ivy, she has no friends! I thought Annabeth hated Ivy, so why is she saying her godly parent is defending Ivy?" Annabeth sneered, "You have no god parent! Your not claimed and nobody will claim you ever!" she put the haedphones back on, listening to 1 D like a slut How do you listen like a slut?.
I could feel a tear went down my face as Annabeth went away. Ivy came out from behind cabin 11 and I could see she was crying. "You heard her?!" I said. Ivy was crying chloryful chlorophyll which looked like normal crying but green, because she was a Dryad (Because Dyrads are from trees which have chloryful chlorophyll. Also, that would be like humans crying protein because they have it in their body..)
"Oh Flavia, its not fair, you will be claimed I know it," She hugged me and I felt better. I wiped the tears off my face and looked in the fountain where we were sitting, by cabin 11. Now my jet black hair with a wave at the back of the neck has a white streak that was from depression when Britany bullied me, but I think it looks nice so I kept it How do you keep that? Did you dye it, or did you intentionally be depressed so you could have it.. I have silver gray eyes which is why Luke called me Moonlite. I wiped away another tear when I thought this, it hurt so much to think of him killed after all we'd been threw together. But the moon reminded me "What if I am a daughter of the moon Goddess? Artmeis"
Ivy shook her head, "Artemis is a virgin, that means she cant have kids, like ever." Artemis is my fav Goddess, she looks kind of like me but her hair is Ginger and she has a silver bow and arrows. I saw her once with all these girls that follow her and also have silver bows and arrows, but that's not the same as being her daughter which in my heart I wished I was. But wishes dont come true, I knew young this world was not a fairy tale field. Lies and danger are like dark clouds above us especially if your a demigod like I was.
We walked over by some demigods practising with swords and axes and mace, and I took out my bow and made a prefect Bull's eye in the target. Annabeth flipped me off because she is jealous I am the only deimgod in Camp who uses a bow and arrows Besides, I don't know, the ENTIRE APOLLO CABIN?. "Annabeht!" Yelled the center stood nearby.
He is Chrion, the leader of camp Half Blood, a center half horse and half Man. He is 17 (look I know he is old in the book but this is my story so don't flame) and his long dark hair Seriously? whiped in the wind above his chest. He looked sad because Kronos was his father before he was killed into Tartarus Actually, Chiron hated Kronos and was happy when he died , and Chiron was all depressed about it, and he spent all his time in the big House by himself. Only now he come out looking wraithful.
"afti enai ena trantagma! This is a jolt?" Yelled Annabeth, exept in greek so what language was it? because she wants to look smarter, but it was a lie, I wasn't a jerk…she was!
"Why are you always causing troulbe when we practise Annabeth?" Chiron said with his mighty center I didn't know Chiron's eyes were on the center of his head eyes flashing, "you are jealous, and because Percy is your bf you think we will let you do whatever you want is that it?" But Ivy gasped and pointed at my head, "Look Chrion!" suddenly everyone looked at me, even Annabeth and they all kneeled!
I raised by hand to flip them off Because that's what you do when people kneel to you but then I looked up and saw shining like a thoughsand moonbeams, a silver Stag on my head, also silver Hounds and a Bow and Arrows and a thin curvy moon which was silver I don't think that's Artemis's symbol. It was so beautiful I cried! also because I knew what it meant…I was claimed, by Artemis! I stood in aw as the other demigods covered up there eyes because it was too bright!
"This cannot be" Said Chiron, "Artmeis is a virgin!"
"Well now she is not," Said Ivy.
LOL! I hope you liked it! Anyways, please review!
SilverZero1014,
Over and Out.
