A/N: It's been one month and three days since I took a break from writing because of writer's block. I've posted two one-shots during that time and still wasn't all that sure about jumping back in. But, now I'm ready to rejoin the fray that is the BeChloe Fandom.
This is just a quick two-shot that I put together while trying to get back into writing mode. There is some angst but you know I love a happy ending. Set after Pitch Perfect 3. I hope you like it.
Beca Mitchell had quite a few regrets in her life. She had more regrets than she ever thought she would while growing up.
She regretted that it took so long to forgive her father for leaving her and her mother for another woman. She wasted many years shutting him out of her life, and when he came barrelling back in by forcing her to go to college, she regretted how petty she acted. He was giving her a free college education, and she acted as if he told her to chop off her left arm or something. She knew there were a lot of kids who had to work two jobs and take out student loans to get a college education and she was a brat by treating it like a punishment rather than the gift it was.
Beca regretted not telling Chloe she loved her when she first realized it. It hit Beca by surprise when they were sitting around the campfire at the retreat Chloe insisted they attend to 'find their sound.' Aubrey ran the retreat and put them through a bunch of stuff that Beca thought was pretty stupid at the time. I mean, she had a real job, plus had to work on the set for Worlds; she just was not into it at all.
Then when they were sitting around that campfire the last night they were there, Chloe told everyone how she was going to graduate finally. Beca remembers smiling and thinking about how much she loved the girl.
That thought was an epiphany of epic proportions for Beca. It was also the catalyst that had her asking Chloe if she wanted to move to New York with her after Worlds. Beca had been offered a Junior Music Producer position and Chloe didn't know what she was going to do. So Beca suggested she go to New York with her and Chloe jumped at the chance. Fat Amy overheard Beca asking Chloe and decided that, as her other best friend, she should move with them.
They spent three years living together in a tiny little apartment, and Beca still hadn't worked up the nerve to tell Chloe how she felt about her.
Then two years ago, they went on the USO Tour. Beca was offered a contract to sign with DJ Khaled's label, and Chloe was provided the opportunity to stay behind and get to know the soldier that had been flirting with her.
Beca turned the contract offer down at first, but the Bellas talked her into taking it. She often wondered if she had turned down the offer if she and Chloe would still be living together in that tiny little New York apartment. She wondered if she would have told Chloe about her feelings.
But, Beca did accept the contract offer and left her best friend and her heart in Spain when she flew to LA with DJ. Khaled. Chloe had accepted Chicago's offer to stay with him. Chicago, the army Captain that wasn't afraid to tell Chloe how he felt about her. Who wasn't afraid to ask her to stay and see where things went with them as a couple.
Beca regrets that she left without saying goodbye to Chloe. Chloe did call her a few times over the next two weeks, but Beca was still a coward and didn't answer; instead, she let the calls go to voicemail. It took her a month before she could listen to the first message Chloe left. It hurt because all she talked about was Chicago and she thought he might be someone she could have a future with. She deleted the rest without listening to them.
After the USO Tour, the Bellas were continually trying to have reunions whenever it appeared that more than three of them were in the same city at the same time. Beca always had an excuse, mostly that she was on tour or working on an album, so they stopped inviting her. Chloe, as well as the rest of the Bellas, continued to text. Chloe also tried calling on numerous occasions, but Beca continued to ignore calls from Chloe and the Bellas now.
Their texts and occasional phone calls dwindled to the occasional holiday greeting or the sharing of some good news.
About eight months ago, Beca was backstage after a show in Atlanta when one of her Assistants told her a Chloe Beale was asking to see her. Beca told them to tell Chloe she had already left and to offer her Beca's new CD. Beca knew she was being a coward.
Later that night, Chloe called and left a message telling Beca she knew Beca was there when she asked about her and how much it hurt that Beca didn't want to see her. Beca felt like shit but then felt even worse when Chloe added how offering her one of Beca's CDs was insulting. She finished it with "I thought I meant more to you than that, Beca. Do you even still want me in your life?"
Beca knew an apology wouldn't fly so she ignored the message. It wasn't long before Chloe stopped calling and texting.
To this day, Beca's biggest regret was shutting them all out; especially Chloe.
The only one who stuck around was Fat Amy. Beca didn't do anything to keep the relationship alive, but Fat Amy would blow in and out of Beca's life whenever she was in the L.A. area.
Today happened to be a day that Fat Amy was sitting in Beca's living room when she got home.
"And to what do I owe this visit?" Beca asked as they sat on the sofa.
"Since you've shut out all the Bellas," Fat Amy said. "I've been tasked with giving you the news."
Beca prepared herself because she knew that if Fat Amy was sent to tell her anything, it was going to be about Chloe.
"What news?" Beca asked.
"Chloe's permanently moving to Spain," Fat Amy said watching for Beca's reaction.
Beca's face showed no emotion. She had learned to school her features whenever Chloe was mentioned.
"I thought she already moved to Spain to be with Chicago," Beca said. She swallowed the lump that was suddenly clogging her throat and said, "I guess the next step will be marriage. I'm, um, happy for her; for them.
"Beca," Fat Amy said. "Come on. We all know how you feel about her. What we don't know is why you shut her out."
Beca tried to swallow the lump that didn't seem to want to dislodge itself from her throat. "She was with Chicago, and I could see how much they were into each other. It hurt too much to see them together."
"Okay," Fat Amy said. "I can see that. But why did you cut the rest of the Bellas out?"
"It was easier?" Beca said questioningly. "I didn't want you guys to take sides. It was something I had to deal with, and the Bellas are Chloe's life. She stayed three extra years at Barden to be a Bella for Christ's sake."
"She stayed three extra years to be with you," Fat Amy said.
Beca scoffed. "Not likely."
"I need to tell you something," Fat Amy said. "Something else. Something that I'm not supposed to tell you."
Beca didn't say anything; she just looked at Fat Amy and waited.
"Chloe didn't stay with Chicago for long when the USO Tour was over," Fat Amy said. "Chloe came home after about a week because she knew that she would never feel about Chicago the way she felt about you. She moved to Atlanta to be close to Aubrey and the other girls. She kept trying to talk to you, but you didn't return her calls. She knew if she went to L.A. you'd have your people make excuses why you couldn't see her. So, she waited. When she heard you were performing in Atlanta, she went to see your show to tell you. To find out if you still had feelings for her."
Beca's head snapped back to Fat Amy. "What?"
"She went to your concert in Atlanta to see you," Fat Amy repeated. "That's when she was going to tell you that she loved you."
Tears came to Beca's eyes and fell down her cheeks. She dismissed Chloe's visit to see her after the concert because she assumed Chloe was with Chicago and it would have hurt too much to see them together and happy. But Fat Amy is telling her that they weren't together.
"But, she's moving to Spain to be with him," Beca said her voice thick with emotion. "It's just one step short of them getting married."
"She's moving to Spain because you shut her out completely," Fat Amy said. "She tried to get you to talk to her after your concert in Atlanta, and you ignored her. Then after spending a month crying on Aubrey's shoulder over you, Chicago came to Atlanta. He called, and she met him as a friend, and he confessed he still had feelings for her. She decided to give him another shot since you didn't want her. They did the long distance thing for about six or seven months, and Chicago finally asked her to move to Spain to be closer to him."
Beca was dumbfounded. She had a chance with Chloe and fucked it all up by continuing to be a selfish coward.
"I did; do, want her." Beca let out a sob. "Oh, God, I really fucked up."
"Yeah, you did," Fat Amy said softly and held Beca as she cried.
~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~
Fat Amy continued to hold Beca while she cried. After about an hour, she realized that Beca had cried herself to sleep. She eased out of Beca's grasp and laid her on the sofa. Beca stirred for a second but remained sleeping.
Fat Amy looked down at her best friend with a heavy heart. She was always the one who made the jokes to ease tensions and made people forget about their own pain. Today, she was the one causing Beca's pain, and it hurt her to the core. She let out a heavy sigh and pulled out her phone.
Fat Amy walked into the kitchen as she scrolled through her contacts and pressed call. She started talking as soon as she heard the call was answered.
"I told her," Fat Amy said.
"Thank you, Amy," Aubrey said.
"I embellished a bit," Fat Amy said. She then told Aubrey everything she told Beca.
"So, she thinks Chloe is definitely moving to Spain?" Aubrey asked.
"Yeah."
"What do you think she'll do now?"
"I don't know. Beca fell asleep after I held her for like an hour while she cried."
"She cried?"
"Yeah. I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep this up," Fat Amy said. "Beca doesn't cry or at least doesn't like for anyone to see her cry."
"I know," Aubrey said quietly. "But, hopefully, it will make her grow a pair and finally talk to Chloe."
"Or, it will make her pull away from everyone else more," Fat Amy said.
"Let's just hope that's not the case," Aubrey said. "I almost hate to admit it, but I miss the snarky, sarcastic Beca that we've all come to know and love."
"Me, too," Fat Amy said. "I better go. I don't want to wake up Beca."
"Thanks, Amy," Aubrey said. "I know it was hard on you, but in the long run it's the best for her and Chloe."
~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~
When Beca woke a few hours later, it took her a minute to figure out where she was. She sat up on the sofa and looked around. It was quiet, and she didn't see or hear Fat Amy.
"Amy must have gone to bed," she mumbled to herself.
Beca got up and made her way to her bedroom. She was still upset that because of her cowardice she has lost Chloe forever. She thought not seeing Chloe would help ease some of the pain of knowing she was with Chicago. But, all it did was make her wish she had tried to at least be friends with Chloe. She wiped at her eyes to keep the tears from starting again.
Beca sat on the side of her bed and decided it was best to make a clean break of it and sever any ties to Chloe she still had. But, she really felt like she needed to tell Chloe how sorry she was and that she had been too much of a coward to tell Chloe how she felt about her. That, if the circumstances had been different, maybe the two of them would have been together.
Beca got up and retrieved her laptop from her work table. She got back on her bed and scooted up until her back was against the headboard. She placed the laptop on her legs and turned it on.
Once the laptop was up, she pulled up her personal email account and put in Chloe's email address. She sat and thought a lot about what the subject line should be. She thought of and threw out several ideas before she just decided to go with "Goodbye, Chloe."
Beca spent the better part of the next ninety minutes writing and editing the email she had put together. She seemed satisfied and decided to give it one last thorough read before she sent it.
"Okay, let's see if this makes sense," Beca mumbled out loud. She then began reading the message.
Dear Chloe:
I know you're probably surprised to hear from me after hearing nothing at all for a year. But, I have some things to say to you that I should say to you face-to-face, but by now you can tell I'm a coward and this is the only way I can do this. That being said, I hope you'll bear with me and read to the end.
I hope this finds you well. Although why wouldn't it? Amy told me about your move to Spain to be with Chicago, and I just wanted to give you my best. What I remember of him, he seems like a really great guy, and I am happy the two of you found each other. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy.
It was almost ten years ago when we first met. Our first meeting wasn't anything to write home about since I told you that a cappella, your most favorite thing in the world, was lame; that and your best friend called me a bitch. I told you I didn't sing and walked away. But, I never forgot about you. I didn't know I was into girls yet, but your eyes and smile stayed with me. They are still my most favorite thing about you, and I will carry their memory with me forever.
Our next meeting was much more memorable because (1) we were both naked, and (2) you found out that I could sing. I tried to ignore the whole incident, but then my dad made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I know that's a movie reference but don't ask me which movie it came from; I still don't like them.
So, to appease my father, and not going to lie, to see you again, I auditioned to become a Barden Bella; and I made it in. They became my family, and I ended up staying the full four years and earned my college degree; all because of you. I don't know if I ever thanked you for that, so thank you for bringing this family and me together; and for seeing something in me that I, at the time, didn't see in myself.
Somewhere in those four years, I fell in love with you. I remember the exact moment when I put a name to what I was feeling. It was during the retreat in our last year at Barden. We were sitting around the campfire at the end, and you had said you were going to graduate. My first thought was 'I love this girl.' It was quite confusing for me because there was no great romantic gesture, there was just me looking at you and seeing the girl I was in love with. And then I was hit with so much fear because graduation was now hanging over our heads. That's when I knew that no matter what, I had to keep you in my life. So, when I got the offer and accepted the job at the studio in New York, I asked you to move with me and share an apartment to help with rent. The rent was only part of it; at that point in time, I didn't know how to say goodbye to you.
We lived in that tiny apartment with Amy for three years. A lot of times during those three years I felt like we were a couple. We cooked for each other, we did each other's laundry, made each other's lunch for work, and always had a shoulder available whenever either of us needed to cry.
I knew I needed you in my life, but I hadn't realized yet how much in love with you I really was. And, sadly it didn't hit me until I saw you with Chicago. I wanted to be him so badly. I wanted you to smile at me the way you smiled at him. I wanted to kiss you the way you kissed him after my show. I wanted to be the one who you wanted to be with. I wanted you.
Since the Tour, I've shut myself off from you and the Bellas. I couldn't bear the idea that you were with Chicago so I tried to save myself the pain by shutting you out. It didn't work; the pain was bad but never bad enough that talking to you or seeing you would make it better. At least that's what I thought.
When Amy said you were moving to Spain permanently, I was confused because I thought you had already moved there to be with Chicago. But, I also was happy you were going to be where you could be close to him. And then she told me about why you came to see me after my show in Atlanta. It was then that I knew that I had fucked up and there was no going back.
I know that I'm still being a coward by writing to you. I should be making arrangements to visit with you before you fly to live halfway around the world from me, but the coward in me is afraid of seeing you and then having you walk back out of my life. Again, going with the keeping myself from the pain becoming greater than it already is.
So, I guess this trip down memory lane is threefold. The first is to say thank you. Thank you for being the best friend a girl could have. Thank you for pushing me to try out for the Bellas. Thank you for having so much faith in my talents and in my dreams of becoming a music producer. Thank you for being my biggest fan. Thank you for giving me my Bellas family, that despite my shutting them out will still have my back if I need them. Thank you for loving me even though I was too cowardly to love you the way you deserved to be loved.
The second is to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a bitch eighty percent of the time you knew me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my internship sooner. I'm sorry we fought about my internship. I'm sorry I never told you how much you meant to me as a friend. I'm sorry for being such a coward and shutting you out of my life. I'm sorry for not telling you how much I was in love with you. I'm sorry for causing you all the pain I was trying to avoid causing myself.
The third is to say that we have come to the end of our journey together. We have come to a fork in the road, and it is time for us to blaze a new trail for ourselves without the other. My only wish for you is that you are happy. That is all I've ever really wanted for you.
I am going to close now by saying the one thing I never thought I would say to you and mean it permanently.
Goodbye, Chloe Beale.
Love Always,
Beca Mitchell
After she hit Send, Beca closed her laptop and threw it down to the foot of her bed and curled into the fetal position. The tears fell down her cheeks, and she used her hands to wipe her face of the tears. Her efforts were fruitless as the tears continued to flow.
As sleep began to overtake her, she whispered quietly into the empty room, "I will always love you, Chloe Beale."
