We'd like to tell you right now, we promise it gets better!

We'd also like to mention: The ideas expressed in this piece are not shared by us. They're Whossey's...

Whossey

(No, you say it like "Who-say".)

Episode 1: No Time for Introductions

Cameranne:Oh, why, hello, Whooooosseeeeeey…

Whossey:Sorry, Că•mər•ăn, what did you say?

Cameranne:I said I was introducing your character as Whooosseeeey.

Whossey:Generic, random insult.

Cameranne:That's not FDA approved!

Blackeman:Hi, I'm a token minority.

Hooker Boss:Whossey!

Hooker Boss slaps Whossey.

Hooker Boss:You have a patient!

Hooker Boss slaps Whossey.

Whossey:Come, team! I must go and insult and/or sexually harass dying people!

Useless Team:Which is completely legal.

Enter Patients' Room

Dying Guy:I haven't slept in three months…

Whossey:Whatever, fatty.

Dying Guy:What?!

Whossey:You'd know if you'd ever thought about it.

Dying Guy:What the hell are you talking about?!

Whossey:Don't worry. I won't damn you for you stupidity. I am a kind god.

Dying Guy:Ugh! You're totally lame!

Whossey:Don't insult my leg! Bigot!

Dying Guy begins to seize.

Useless Team:Quickly! Do nothing!

Later

Cameranne writes furiously.

Cameranne:I don't really have any useful input; I just like to use the white board.

Blackeman:Stupid crackah… Hoggin' mah damn white board.

Whossey:Any life that isn't mine has no meaning. Let's go get lunch.

At Lunch

Cameranne:Mmm. This is a really good TUNA SALAD. Mmm… I sure do love TUNA.

Whossey:What a minute…

Useless Team: What is it, Wise One?

Whossey: Tuna… Tuna is a fish… One time I went fishing with my father, who looks exactly like a recent sexual offender. Sexual offenders rape people, mostly girls. Girls have their own basket ball league. That game involves a ball. Balls roll. Roll is the first part of the band name "The Rolling Stones". The last part of the name is "stones…" Stoners often get in car accidents when they drive. People in car accidents are taken to the hospital. We're in a hospital… and so is our patient… Administer 50mg of DayQuil!

Useless Team: Genius!

Sorry, the end.