Notes: Whoops, forgot to add in disclaimer first time!

Disclaimer: Homestuck is not my property,
I don't think it ever will be.
All of these folks belong to the Huss,
I'm not claiming them. No need to fuss.


"A single man in possession of great fortune must be in want of a lover," Jane Austen once said—or something like that, anyways.

Autoresponder "Lil Hal" Strider would have added, "And there is no greater fortune than to be the inventor of a pair of incredibly swag, self-aware sentient shades. You need information? The internet's my bitch; I'll have the dirt in two minutes, tops. You need calculations run? Way ahead of you, bro, I already predicted that you'd need those numbers crunched. You're one fucking lucky man, Dirk Strider. Get a boyfriend already, dammit."

Hal's flesh counterpart was the bane of his existence these days. The man was one of the lead robotics experts of Zahhak Industries at the age of twenty-nine, the prodigal son of the technology industry, yet for some reason, he'd remained stolidly single for the last fifteen years, not even bothering to search out other people. The last person he'd dated with any degree of seriousness was Roxy Lalonde (who was still basically his best friend), and that had been back when he was fourteen and actually still thought he was heterosexual. What a fucking laugh. While Dirk had never been one to label himself as one thing or the other, it was abundantly clear to Hal that he was about as straight as a circle. Fortunately, Dirk had come to his senses eventually and Roxy wasn't the worst girl he could have dated before realizing he was not attracted to females, so all was well.

Plus, it wasn't like he had some sort of preternatural aversion to dating. Hal knew (having been on the other Strider's face for most of this) that Dirk had experienced several dates where they went out for an evening, had a one-night stand, and never saw each other again, in spite of the other party's attempts to stay in contact—but that was a thing Hal could possibly understand.

Despite being single in name, Hal knew that Dirk's heart was taken.

He'd run all the calculations (all of them). Match dot com had nothing on his finely processed compatibility algorithms. eHarmony would die of shame if only it could catch a glimpse of Hal's numbers. He was also 97% certain OkCupid and Christian Mingle would collapse against each other sobbing at the beauty of Hal's affinity equations.

And Dirk's compatibility with a certain Jake English was a whopping 92.61%.

If you would allow Lil Hal to explain what those numbers meant, you would find out that in approximately 9261 of every 10000 alternate universes, the theoretical relationship between Dirk Strider and his longtime best bro would be successful, where success was measured by the quotient of happiness on a scale from one to 100 and e to the integral of the equation tracking dokis over time.

Did you read that correctly? The actual portion of universes of success was over 9000.

There was no fucking way Lil Hal was going to let this go. In 7.39% of the existing parallel universes, the relationship between Dirk and Jake may have crashed and burned, but that was what Lil Hal was here for: to make sure it happened and succeeded in this one. They were practically made for each other, if only they could see what was right in front of their faces. They were blatantly and obviously already in love with each other. Their relationship was a fire waiting to happen. A huge fucking "CAUTION: FLAMMABLE OBJECT" warning sign.

All Hal had to do was ignite it.