Nocturne.

EPOV

Suddenly, Jasper was going crazy. He ripped forward, trying to get to the burgundy liquid dripping out of Bella's finger. This couldn't happen. I had to stop this. But how can you stop this when you want to do the same? A little voice asked in my head. I shook my head, jumping in the way of my lost brother, protecting Bella. Everything seemed to go in slow motion then, Jasper snarled forward, crashing into me. In turn, I crashed into Bella. As if the paper-cut wasn't enough, she fell backward, off her seat and into the falling glass behind her. I could basically hear the slice of her skin, and the soft, warm trickle of blood that followed. I had to grit my teeth to stop me from going to the wound. How that problem sickened me. I couldn't even care for her without wanting to kill her. Somebody grabbed Jasper; who was still snapping and snarling, and dragged him away. I couldn't breathe; I wouldn't let myself. She would surely die if I did. Argh! What a horrible inevitable fate.

I wasn't needed in the room, Carlisle, my adopted father was taking care of her wounds. How I envied his control. He could probably bathe in blood and nothing would happen. Now, how he was able to be close to her, the wound in her arm where the sweet blood was still pumping out... It was drawing me in, practically calling for me. I crouched beside her, gritting my teeth. If I focused on her, rather than the wonderful liquid, coming from her heart, designed for me personally, I would be able to keep control. Or, I could think of sentences like that, which just make things worse. I was barely aware of things going on around Bella and I; I knew Carlisle was there too, but other than that, it was like we were locked in place. Or I was, at least. I briefly remember Carlisle telling me we needed to move her. Could I withstand physical contact? Would she want physical contact? After all, my adopted brother, a vampire like me had just gone for her over a paper-cut. She didn't complain as I lifted her. Though there were layers between her skin and my own, I could feel her pulse. It enticed me and sickened me at the same time. How could I be this aware of her blood? Carlisle and Bella spoke a little on the way. I was lost to their words. I set her down in a chair and watched. I stood for a long time, till I was aware she was speaking to me.

"Just go, Edward." She mumbled.

"I can handle it." No, I couldn't. She was scraping on the back of my throat, her very essence. If I could stay though, maybe it wouldn't be so bad next time. Next time?! I thought angrily. Was there going to be a next time? Would this happen again? Why would I let that happen?!

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help." She smiled. Like I was helping anyway. She flinched in pain, and that made up my decision. If I couldn't stay now, I couldn't save her in the future. Would I need to save her again? Would she be in danger, because of vampires, again?

"I'll stay."

"Why are you so masochistic?" She said, though it sounded like it was to herself. She was wrong, I wasn't hurting myself, I was hurting her.

"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far.

I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." Carlisle said. You're making this worse for yourself, He thought.

"Yes, go find Jasper," Bella agreed fervently. Like I cared much about him at the moment. Yes, it wasn't his fault, but still, Bella was more important. As though Alice could read my thoughts, she spoke up.

"You might as well do something useful," She said, thoughts clouded with worry. She felt the pain too, but knew it was worse for me. I wonder why that was…? I looked around at them, and realizing it was 3 against 1, I walked out. As soon as I was outside, I could release the breath I'd been holding on to. I cursed the air. I cursed the scent of her blood; no, I cursed my weakness to it. It was too beautiful to be hated; I was the only true one to hate. Esme was outside; she appeared next to me, eyes sparkling in sadness.

"It wasn't your fault," She murmured sadly. I glowered at her, but said nothing. Emmett and Rosalie were sitting in the bench, Emmett looking down at his feet in annoyance and disappointment. Of course, none of us blamed Jasper or felt any bad feelings toward him-this was something that could easily happen-it was just awful that such an accident had happened. Rosalie was beside Emmett, smug look on her face with 'Told You So' style thoughts running through her head. I snarled at her, and her eyes widened in innocence, looking at me incredulously.

"What?!" She asked virtuously. Emmett peered at me curiously. Don't be surprised. Something like this was going to happen to the silly girl anyway. It's her own fault, don't get angry at any of us, she should be hanging around with all the other 'normals'. She probably shouldn't even be alive, she's so darn thick. Maybe you should go out hunting with her there, just in case that James' attack wasn't enough of a hint that vampires and humans shouldn't mix.

I could have killed her right there for even thinking that. I was going to, but just as I began to crouch to spring at her, Alice crashed into me, pulling me out of my unformed plans. As she did, everyone's mind I could read came into my head, everything they saw and felt. The main thing I saw was myself, coming from everyone in the garden. The worst thing was the way I looked. Esme's thoughts were still ashamed, but now she was also terribly worried about what this accident would have done to me. From the picture of me she was seeing, my face was very distant, though I was absolutely terrified every new possibility, each one more horrifying than the last. Of course, these weren't Alice's visions; they were just every little thing that could go wrong with Bella spending time with me. I hardly looked myself anymore, maybe more like some cold, heartless person. It felt like I was.

Alice looked up at me, eyes beseeching. Don't fight, there are people who need more help than just hurting Rosalie. She looked away, and she mentally winced in pain and concern. I followed her gaze to see a tall shadow by the trees. Want me to come? Alice asked, hoping I'd decline. She was scared she'd make him feel worse, somehow. I complied, shaking my head before slowly trudging over to him. He heard, and turned away, already knowing it was me. I stood by him for a moment or two; he still didn't look away from the trees. Since he didn't talk, and I had absolutely no idea what to say, I searched in his head to see if there was anything I could say. His thoughts were a jumble, I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but I could get nothing from him. "So…" I said, breaking the ominous and awkward silence. He turned towards me, eyes ablaze with anger and remorse.

"Edward, just go away. It's bad enough that I did what I did, and I don't need you to come tell me it's alright, or blame me or whatever. I don't need to talk to anyone." He put his head in his hands and sighed.

I half smiled, ruefully, before replying. "No, it's not alright. But it's not your fault, Jasper. I know you think I'm just saying that, but if it was your fault, do you think I'd come make you feel better?" I smiled again, hoping for him to lighten up, though nobody else was the slightest bit cheerful.

He looked up from his hands, "Is Bella alright? She's not scared of me is she? No, that's silly, of course she will be. But Carlisle fixed her arm, right?"

My eyes tightened a little. "He's doing that now." I said curtly.

"But it'll be alright after that, won't it? What did you mean by 'No, it's not alright'? Is she really scared? I guess she should be. Sorry."

I sighed, and sat down by the foot of the tree. "It's not that. She seems to understand that it wasn't your fault, and doesn't seem that bothered, maybe a little shaken. It's just…" I didn't really know how to finish. I know Rosalie had said about Bella missing dangerous warnings- even though I'd hated hearing her thoughts, I still listened to what she had to say- but maybe it was me who was missing them. Maybe, all the trouble we'd put Bella in was just the world trying to tell me that I was selfish, stupid and cruel for being with Bella, though I knew that already. Maybe it was time to stop and just remember. It was the best I could do for her. If I could. We never really expected things to go far, a human and a vampire, so it should just be like any other person leaving your life, for her, anyway. For me, I wasn't quite sure. If saving her life was the reason, I could save her life. I would save her life every time, if needs be- and with Bella, there'd be a lot of times- but could I save her by never seeing her again? I would have to. Selfishness wasn't going to hurt her, no matter what else had tried to.

"It's just…?" Jasper prompted. He seemed in a better mood, at least.

"Things might… Be difficult from now on. A lot of things to think through," I said, rising again. He looked at me, confused. I just smiled sadly and shook my head. "Shall I tell the others you're okay now?"

"No, I don't think I am. When you're away, I won't have to hold my thoughts anymore, and I'll just be thinking about it again." He said, looking away.

"Okay, then." My voice was beginning to sound dull, sadder as I thought of what had happened, what would happen if things continued to go the way they were. I had the power to change things, but the strength?

I got back to the house, where Alice was waiting. "Any better?" she asked sadly.

"Not really." I replied brusquely.

"Should I go see him?" She asked, I just shook my head.

"When he wants to see anyone, he'll come over." She bit her lip anxiously and looked away to where he was standing again. Worry masked her thoughts. Suddenly, she looked up at me, confused.

"Bella's okay." She said, commenting on the look on my face. I saw it in her head. Empty.

"For now." I snorted angrily.

"What are you planning?" She asked, voice suddenly sharp.

"Nothing, yet, I don't know what I can do."

"Agh, what's the point? Things are fine. Don't go messing up the future, it gives me headaches." She scowled. I just pushed past her toward the open back door. Emmett and Rosalie were still outside on the bench, and just as I walked to the door, I saw Rosalie glance over at me, still smug. I snarled under my breath.

I could hear the voices of everyone inside now that I was paying attention to them. "Esme, let me do that." Bella said, embarrassed. "I'm already done." I could smell the fumes from the chemicals; it was horrible, but at least not as bad as the alluring smell of her blood. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine, Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." She replied, it didn't soothe my mood one bit, I knew she was okay. Carlisle and Esme both laughed, perfectly at ease on the surface, though it was only a mask, not to worry Bella.

Alice walked ahead of me to stand by Bella. She gently touched her elbow, the arm that hadn't got hurt. "C'mon, I'll get you something less macabre to wear." They headed upstairs, leaving me to face Carlisle and Esme.

"Are you alright, Edward?" Esme asked. I just nodded solemnly. It didn't fool anyone, of course. "It'll all be okay, I'm sure of it." She said, certain. I stared at her dubiously. I wanted to tell her she was sure of nothing, but that would be mean. I was really just angry at myself.

They both smiled encouragingly, trying to get a response, but I just stared at them coldly, as if they were people I hardly knew. I shoved past them to stand by the front door, looking up at the stairs, waiting for Bella. I could hear her and Alice talking upstairs, but I didn't listen, no matter how curious of her thoughts I was. Eventually, I heard them coming downstairs again. I opened the door and waited. When she got down, she looked at my face and worry spread across her own.

"Take your things!" Alice reminded her, running to the piano to get her presents. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

"Night, Bella." Carlisle and Esme murmured, glancing at me as they spoke, as did Bella. I kept my eyes forward, not reacting to their fretting.

We walked to the car in silence, maybe, like me; she didn't know what to say. Maybe her arm was hurting more than she let on. The car drive that followed had the same silence, and I had no intention of breaking it. It was bad enough being left with my festering thoughts, never mind having to worry about the subject of them as well. She seemed more anxious by the minute. I wanted to know why, but I never dared look at her, or even speak to her. "Say something." She finally pleaded. Like what? Crack a joke? Tell her I was so very sorry and make false promises that it would never happen again?

"What do you want me to say?" I said unemotionally, almost like I didn't care. I didn't like that, but I couldn't put any life into my words or thoughts. She winced, and I immediately wanted to apologize, but I held back.

"Tell me you forgive me." She whispered. She thought I was angry at her? I guess I was angry, but not at her, at myself, destiny, and the whole ridiculous vampirism.

"Forgive you? For what?!" I said sharply, confused and even angrier at myself. She was irrationally taking the trouble herself.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened." She said sadly. That was the whole problem. She shouldn't need to be careful with such silly things. It was hardly something that could incapacitate someone, getting a paper cut, yet having a party with the Cullens, anything could go wrong. She could have died tonight. I shivered slightly.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut- that hardly deserves the death penalty." I very nearly rolled my eyes.

"It's still my fault."

"Your fault?! If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own-without someone throwing you into them-even then, what's the worst? You'd getblood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up-and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

There, I'd said it, and thought there are thing I wish I hadn't said- for example about wanting to kill her, that definitely made me disgusted with myself- but now she knew what was on my mind. Well, some of it anyway. She probably thought that now this was over there would be no problems. Well, that could be the case, if I could only find it in me to leave for her.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" She said, scowling.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would have been a hell lot healthier for you to be with." I snapped.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." She whispered, upset again. She should never think like that. If I left her now, she would never die. That was exaggerating. Maybe she would be upset, but never, ever die. She should be with a Mike Newton type persona; I'd just got in the way, selfishly.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous." It wasn't ridiculous at all, had she not seen what had happened tonight? Trust Bella to be the one looking away as someone tried to kill her, to think nothing of it. I never once looked at her, even through that argument. Without realizing it, she'd made me feel a great deal worse. Of course I didn't hold it against her, it was a relief to have the feeling, almost a punishment for all the things I'd ever done wrong; everything I was ashamed of. And the burning throat? That was good too, it added to the punishment. The punishment for existing to ruin her life, for endangering her, for being unable to save her from the worst monster of all. A penalty fit for a vampire, a prisoner to my own pain.

"Will you stay tonight?" She asked after a long silence.

"I should go home." I said after a long pause. I didn't know why, it just felt right to be away from her, even if it upset me.

"For my birthday?" she pursed her lips.

"You can't have it both ways- either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." She was using the birthday trick again, the way she'd used earlier on the way home from school. She sighed, smiling a little at last; I caught from the corner of my eye.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She got out and went to grab her presents. She didn't want them earlier. I frowned in confusion, looking at her for the first time in ages.

"You don't have to take those." She probably didn't want to upset them by leaving them behind.

"I want to." She said, also getting confused, like she was trying to figure out my tone of voice.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live." She responded brusquely. She shut the door just before I got beside her.

"Let me carry them, at least." I said, eyeing her arm with a little more worry in my blank expression. I carefully took them from her. "I'll be in your room."

"Thanks." She smiled again.

"Happy birthday." I leaned in to kiss her, so gently, more careful than before, which was understandable after what had happened. I smiled at her, acting, as I walked away. I walked round the back of the house and took a running jump to the open window; it was rarely ever shut nowadays. I put her things down on the bed, and sat down beside them. Ugh, what a mess. Subconsciously, an idea had already formed in my head. I had already toyed with the idea, but brushed it away quickly and selfishly. Just now, it was coming to thought. Alice wouldn't like it, she would surely see it coming, but what was the worst she could do? Especially if it was for a reason she supported.

I picked up one of her presents, the CD and twisted it about in my hands uneasily. She was upstairs now, in the bathroom. "Hi." I muttered as she came in. The thing I had to do was terrifying. I had no idea how to do it. It made me even sadder to think about it, so I pushed the idea away for now. Not on her birthday, that would be cruel.

"Hi." She responded warmly, hugging me. "Can I open my presents now?"

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?"

"You made me curious." She answered simply, before picking up the present from Carlisle and Esme. Her hand floated over the paper, and I suddenly had a feeling of 'déjà vu'.

"Allow me." I took the box away from her before she could repeat today's sequence of actions. Quickly pulling the paper off, I gave her the small white box that was concealed.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" She muttered sarcastically. I was sure she could tear off the paper, just not sure my nerves would take it. She opened the box, and stared at the pieces of paper inside for a long moment, figuring out what they were. "We're going to Jacksonville?" She asked, sounding excited about a present. How unusual for her.

"That's the idea." Or it was the idea. I didn't know what was going to happen from there on.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."

"I think I can handle it. If I'd had any idea you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

She set the box down, and reached over for the other present. I held out my hand to open it again. She looked up quickly, not as annoyed as before and handed it to me. I took it and ripped the paper away with a quick jerk of my wrist. I gave the CD back to her, and she took it with a puzzled expression.

"What is it?" She wondered, looking from me to the blank case. Instead of telling her, I decided she should hear it first, to see her reaction. I gently took the case from her and put the CD into her stereo. After a long moment, the song started. Her lullaby. I looked down at her quickly, only to see she was crying. Panic washed over me.

"Does your arm hurt?"I asked her, wondering over what I could do to help.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward." She said, smiling through her tears. I remembered the way she'd cried when I played the song to her for the first time. "You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She whispered, overwhelmed.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."

"You're right." She agreed, thankful I'd just settled for the CD.

"How does your arm feel?" I asked, worried again, she probably wasn't lying, but there was no way to know for sure unless I asked.

"Just fine." She said, though her voice was a little too nonchalant for me to believe her.

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything." She muttered, but it was too late, I'd already got up and was at her door. "Charlie!" She warned quietly. Ah, yes, her father was still awake downstairs. It was fine, he was far to enveloped in a soccer match to care, or even listen for noises from upstairs. Not that he would hear me.

"He won't catch me." I said before stepping out the door. I was back before the door had got the chance to open all the way. I got two pills from the bottle, and gave them to her along with a glass of water. She took them straight away, without a complaint. Neither of us spoke for a long moment, the only sound was that of her lullaby, filling the air quietly, sweetly.

"It's late." I reminded her, before picking her up in one arm and pulling back her covers with the other. I carefully lay her on the bed and tucked her in, before coming to lie beside her, on top of the covers. She leaned against my shoulder and sighed.

"Thanks again." She murmured.

"You're welcome." She fell silent for a long moment, but of course, she wouldn't be asleep. Esme's favorite song came on, and I mentally pictured the notes on the page that went along with it, trying to block out the darker, sadder thoughts in my mind. It was wrong to stay, that was certainly true. It was right to leave, but was it possible?

"What are you thinking about?" She whispered. If I could keep you safe and do the right thing. I should have said, but she would get upset, and I didn't want to hurt her, not on her birthday.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." I said simply but sadly. She froze in place. There was another pause. She wasn't looking at me, so I stole a quick glance at her. As soon as I looked at her, 'quick glance' failed. She was too beautiful, too good a person for me. She deserved far, far more than the fate she'd been dealt. A proper life. She would have. I was going to save her, I was going to leave. It was for the best, and as long as she was safe and happy, I would be too. Well, happy for her. It wouldn't matter about how happy for me I would be. Bella was the main priority.

"Remember how I decided I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" She was leading up to something, but I was unsure what. Or maybe it was just to pull me out of my thought.

"Yes," I said anxiously.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight." I murmured, voice unintentionally disapproving.

"Yes, I am- but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," She said quickly in response to the critical tone in my voice. I laughed, would there ever be a time I would just let myself do what I wanted? That thought brought back the thought of the upcoming gloom ahead.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I said, mood once again darkened by the future. I gently lifted her face to mine to press my lips carefully to hers. As usual, her heart beat like it was trying to take off, overreacting. I could have laughed; I would certainly miss her reactions. That thought caught me. This could be the last time I ever kissed her, got to see her reaction. Suddenly, I was frantic with sadness, and before I knew it I was reacting in a way that normally, I would never for fear of hurting her or getting carried away. Right now, I was carried away, tangling my fingers in her hair, taunting the burning of my throat with the pain I was glad to feel. This had to stop, or else I would hurt her. Just a single twinge of pain and she could be dead. Carefully but quickly, I pushed away. She got the picture at once and put her head back on the pillow breathlessly.

"Sorry, that was out of line." I gasped, surprisingly.

"I don't mind." She sighed. She really should mind, that was endangering her life. I scowled.

"Try to sleep, Bella." I sighed.

"No. I want you to kiss me again." She said stubbornly.

"You're over-estimating my self control."

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She asked lightly, making me smile slightly.

"It's a tie. Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine." She said sulkily, but she obliged, at least. We lay there for what must have been ages, before her breathing became more regular, and with a shiver, she fell asleep. Carefully and slowly, I got up and walked to the rocking chair in the corner of her room. It felt like the time, long ago, when I'd came to her house and pondered Alice's visions of me, falling in love with Bella. All the rights and wrongs of that situation, Alice's prediction that I would be unable to leave her alone. Well, Alice, be prepared to be proved wrong. I could leave, for a good cause at least. I was leaving, knowing it was for the best, and Alice wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Though, to be honest, she already had a lot on her mind with Jasper.

"Edward." Bella sighed in her sleep, sounding distressed. It was obviously a nightmare. "No… Spring… Same kiss." She muttered. I froze; she had noticed the urgency, the sadness in that last kiss and made the connection. Did she know that I was going to leave? Probably not, she wouldn't have fallen asleep; she'd still be awake, probably questioning me and begging me to stay.

She mumbled a few more times in her sleep, nothing intelligible, but always sounding sad. If I was to leave her, I would have to lie, or else she would never let me go, not that she could do that much to stop me. Or, worse yet, I'd still leave but she wouldn't get on with her life. She'd have to believe I'd moved on, too. Best to start 'moving on' now, or else she'd be in danger for that much longer. It wasn't hard, I was hardly in a laughing mood, this was a difficult thing to think about. It made me feel, if not look awful. I looked at her, and pain shredded through me.

It was after that everything about our relationship deteriorated. It was all my fault, really, but this was probably for the best. I had to speak to my family.

AN: Okay, this is the idea I was talking about a while ago. I know it just sounds like New Moon in Edward's point of view, but it's not ;)
I know it's really long, but I was doing an EPOV New Moon a while back, not to put on fanfic, and I used a lot of that. Will he actually leave in this story? Hmm... you'll have to see :D

Read and Review, will post another chapter soon.

Cheeers x

Rachee (: x