For Once

Cezille07

A/N: After watching "Chez Platypus", I was so sorry to see our beloved Doof left on the scene by yet another girl he really cared about, maybe even "loved". And I just have to do something about that, don't I? At least once, just once, it would be nice to see Heinz get his happy ending, right? ;D

Her name was never mentioned in the episode, so in this fic I took the liberty of calling her Michelle.

Disclaimer: Rights go to Marsh and Povenmire.


Chapter 1. Every Synonym for Sulk.

He toddled very slowly back home that night. There was simply no more point in all this; his entire existence crumbled to dust once Michelle's face turned from sweet to blank, and she said, "I feel nothing."

Fine. Given. He had bawled over things like this, sometimes on a regular basis: things like becoming a lawn gnome, living with Roger and Only Son, losing to a baking soda volcano in a non-science contest, flunking out of evil school. Maybe knowing that one day Perry the platypus would finally defeat him, or replace him with a stronger, smarter nemesis. All of which had lost him his natural charm, or what he supposed was 'charm' if he were a normal person.

But today, none of that made sense. Because for the first time, the girl had actually loved him back, whatever that meant. Michelle, her sparkling green eyes, that the chilling smile...that beauty in the simplest of purple dresses. With an identical Evil tattoo on her right arm...like his.

"Oh who am I kidding?" yelled Doofenshmirtz as he turned out the lights in his bedroom. The darkness unnerved him a little. He threw himself on the bed without changing his clothes. "Who am I kidding? Her, of course. It's not my loss. I just miscalculated the trajectory of the Delovinator satellite if it ever crashed to earth. That's probably it. But never mind. I don't really care."

He shut his eyes and pulled the covers over his head.

"I'm not very convincing, even when it's me I'm talking to, but Heinz, tomorrow, it's back to the game with Perry the platypus. That's right! I am evil, with or without the person who can complete my being..." He yawned.

I wonder what she's doing now...


Michelle had just gotten home. She was a bit tipsy, the cab driver himself said so when he dropped her off at her apartment; she'd had a dozen shots of every mix the local bar prepared. Boy was that bartender hot when he tossed up those bottles twirling in the air, as if the moves were second nature to him. All the ladies had free margaritas after Michelle flashed a small gun in the boy's smooth, pale cheek, whispered a fake threat into his ear, and had a taste of his trembling lips.

"Thanks for the ride," she said after the driver helped her into a chair. Not even remembering she hadn't paid the fare yet, he winked at her and left right away, but not without a second and third glance back at her glowing form. She was a radiant goddess, that's what she was. Michelle returned a dainty wave and, as soon as the driver giddily closed the door behind him, slumped on the dining table.

"God, what a day!"

She couldn't actually remember what had happened the rest of the day, only the part where a maniac had taken her to some fancy restaurant. It was a weird encounter. She had the feeling he could end the world with a press of a button, or steal her heart with a single word.

But she didn't fall. She didn't like him in the least. She had no idea what had made her agree to waste the night with him. She had evil schemes to carry out, lands to conquer, gold to steal. There was just no rational explanation for the very events that transpired that night.

"I must be losing my mind," Michelle told herself. She raised her head and looked at her right arm. The Evil tattoo. It seemed to call out to her in a weak, pleading manner. Shaking her head, "Well it's about time I lost my mind anyway. You have to be mad as well as evil if you want to be great!" she cackled.


Heinz didn't feel like himself the next morning. Getting into the shower was a harder task than usual. He didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to get blown up in the kitchen making pancakes. So he found himself at noon sitting naked on the carpet when a particular blue-green mammal broke through his window.

If anything, Perry was surprised.

"Oh hello, Perry the platypus. Lovely day we're having, isn't it?" Doofenshmirtz addressed the floor. "I know you don't want to hear another of my self-centered rants, but...it's all I can do."

Perry scratched his head. He swept the area with his eyes, but there was a startling lack of traps. No cages, no mysterious robotic arms ready to grab at his middle, no random ray gun of destruction lying haphazardly in the room. Weird. He took one step closer to Doofenshmirtz, and froze right in his tracks.

Had...had the doctor actually been crying?

Doofenshmirtz looked up and found that his nemesis was no longer staring curiously at him. He bowed his head and heaved another sigh. Great, alone again—

Suddenly, two small hands touched both his shoulders, and he realized Perry had draped him with his labcoat. "Perry the platypus, what are you...?"

Then Perry found him his pants and handed it to him.

"Okay, okay, I'll dress up, I'll be right back," said Doofenshmirtz, retreating to his room hesitantly. A bitter smile waited to form on his lips...and failed.