A/N

My first song fic! the song is Delta Goodrem - "I can't break it to my heart". I heard it for the first time today and this story popped up in my head

I highly recommend that you listen to the song if you haven't heard it. It's amazing!

This is not beta'd, sorry for any grammatical errors and such.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!


She had known he was gone even before she opened her eyes. She could feel it, that empty void next to her that matched the one in her heart. She battled herself for a second; parts of her not wanting to open her eyes and rule out any doubt. Her heart begged her mind to keep her eyes closed. When she finally did open her eyes and saw the note lying on the pillow next to her, her heart dropped and tears began to fill her eyes. She read his note, and then broke out sobbing. She buried her face in the pillow and could still smell him on her expensive silk sheets. As she closed her eyes again, she told herself repeatedly that there was nothing wrong. That nothing had happened. That she would wake up the next morning and everything would be back to normal.

If it's okay

I'll leave the bed light on

And place your water glass where it belongs

And if it's alright

I'll lie awake at night

Pretending I am curled up at your side

She kept telling herself that he wasn't really gone. That he was coming back any day. Reminded herself of all those other times when he had taken a last minute vacation. Almost came close to smiling as she thought about that trip he took to Monaco, and how he tormented her with texts the entire time he was away. She told herself over and over again that he was coming back, that they belonged together. He had to come back. If they didn't belong together- then who did she belong with?

See I'm circling in these patterns

Living out of memories

I'm still a long way from accepting it

That there's just no you and me

'The reason we can't say those three words to each other, isn't because they aren't true.' His words echoed in her mind as well as in her heart. He must have meant what he said, or he was a better actor than she ever gave him credit for. He couldn't have lied, could he? No - no way – they are Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. She told him that she loved him and she meant it with all her heart.

But if I still believe you love me

Maybe I'll survive

So I tell myself you're coming home

Like you've done a million times

And if it's alright

I'll still be loving you

'cause I can't break it to my heart

'Well that's too bad' He hadn't meant those words, right? Or did she misinterpret all he said before, all those looks and all those moments that made her believe that they are meant to be together? She tried to keep the thoughts out, but sometimes she couldn't keep from wondering. Wondering if she did something wrong, said something wrong (she knows very well what that might be), looked the wrong way? Too dull, too fat, too inexperienced? Could it be that he never really cared?

Is it just me?

Did I commit a crime?

I won't believe that loving you

Is just a waste of time

Or was it in my head?

I'm reading into things you've never said

'Chuck and Blair going to the movies? Chuck and Blair holding hands?' They had agreed they couldn't be together. But when did he decide that she wouldn't get to be there for him? Wouldn't get to fix him? Maybe she did do something wrong? After a while she found the thought almost calming – if she had indeed done something wrong - she could change. She would change for him. She would become whatever he wanted her to be. If he just came home and told her what to do, who to be.

'cause I still don't have the answers

To why we couldn't work it out

I wanna think it's something that I did

So I can turn it back around

He will come home. It became a mantra, a song echoing in her head all night and all day. When she couldn't hear the words clearly enough she spoke them out loud. Whispered them out into the darkness of her bedroom, whispered them into the mirror of her vanity. He will come home. I love him. He has to come home.

But if I still believe you love me

Maybe I'll survive

So I tell myself you're coming home

Like you've done a million times

And if it's alright

I'll still be loving you

'cause I can't break it to my heart

She kept telling herself that he would return and that they would be perfect – that they belonged together. The Queen and the Devil of the Upper East Side. But when the days turned to weeks, when one unanswered call turned to fifty – the song inside her head decreased in volume, the words became a slur and the record appeared to be broken. She buried her face in the pillow – that pillow – more than once and screamed until her throat ached and her lungs were sore. Whispered his name over and over as hot, desperate tears poured down her face. She refused to allow her mind to tell her heart, what she started to think might be the truth.

And nothing will come between us

I wanna convince myself we're perfect in

Every single way

As long as I can keep

The truth away from my heart

Oh 'cause I can't break it to my heart

But if I still believe you love me

Maybe I'll survive

So I tell myself you're coming home

Like you've done a million times

And if it's alright

I'll still be loving you

'cause I can't break it to my heart

Maybe he won't come back. Maybe the two of you aren't meant to be together.

I

love

him

Maybe he doesn't love you.


Review? Pretty, pretty please?! :)