DISCLAIMERS/NOTES
1. This is a fan fiction based on characters owned by DC Comics. I DO NOT OWN THEM. This is just for fun.
2. This is partly a femslash story. If you don't like that sort of thing, you won't like this.
3. This is a story request by The Sacred and Profane. Again, apologies for the time it took to complete.
PART 1
"Are you sure you won't help?"
The Batman grunted.
His wife sighed. "It's the last time I'm going to ask."
"Diana," Batman said, "it's a fool's errand."
Diana Wayne folded her arms. "So I'm a fool?"
Batman kept typing at the batcomputer. "If you think that's what I meant, who am I to correct you?"
Diana rolled her eyes. "Bruce, this is important! It only happens once a year. It's his birthday!"
At that, he stopped his fingers at the keyboard. It was times like this that he hated being reminded that time moves on... no matter what. Yes, it only happened once a year. And he knew... the times would become less and less. "Diana... "
Resting her hands on the back of his seat, the world-famous Wonder Woman looked down at her husband. "I have it all planned."
"I've heard that before," said Batman. "I've told you, you're not the first person to try this. Dick, Tim, Barbara... even Jason attempted it once. It's an impossible feat."
"Hera, Bruce, he's not telepathic!" Diana cried. "He can't know everything that goes on in this house, or this cave!"
"You'd think not." Batman slowly turned his chair around to face his breathtakingly beautiful wife. "You can't surprise Alfred."
She rolled her eyes again. "Then maybe he should be called Oracle."
Batman smirked. "I'll let you tell Barbara her services are no longer required."
"I don't like being teased, Mr. Wayne," she said, narrowing her eyes. Batman could tell she was teasing him just as much.
"Of course not." He stroked his chin. "For argument's sake, how would you do it?"
"You mean how will I do it!" said Diana proudly. "I've got it set like clockwork. The boys and the twins will keep him busy while the girls and I get the hall set up. All the banners, balloons and presents are stashed away in there, and have been for days."
"How do you know he hasn't found them?"
Diana moved down and sat on his lap. "I've lived here for four years, darling - I know his cleaning timetable. I moved everything into the hall as soon as he finished his sweep of the place... he won't be back there for a another two weeks."
"Clever," said Batman, stroking his wife's thigh. "But you know there are security cameras covering every inch of the Manor."
"I've got that covered, too," she replied, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I made sure he was deep into cleaning another room before I made the switch. And on the day, Dick, Tim and the twins will keep him occupied... I even considered asking Barbara to cut the camera feed."
At that, the classic Batglare appeared. "Diana... "
She held up her hand to stop him. "I realised Alfred, like you, has a buzzer that alerts him to any change in the security system. It would've been for ten seconds anyway, tops. And it would've been just the hall's cameras - the whole grounds wouldn't be blacked out. Hera, Bruce, you know I wouldn't do that!"
Batman stung slightly. He should have known that. Diana would never threaten security of the Manor or the cave... but due to his pigheadedness, he had nearly scolded her regardless. "I know. Sorry." Anyone else would have been smug at getting an apology out of the Batman. Diana simply smiled lovingly. If she did feel smug - and she probably did - she did not show it. "Hold on... " Batman suddenly said. "Ten seconds? How're you going to get the big hall prepared in... oh no." He glared again. "Diana... I told you not to invite every... "
"Don't be like that, Bruce!" she yelped. "You know we owe Bart Allen big - he saved our daughter's life! He's welcome in our home anytime!"
It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Just don't invite the entire League. I only agreed to this on the condition you kept it small."
"Just close friends and family," said Diana. "Barbara, Dinah and Laurel, Dick and Koriand'r, Cassandra, Clark and Lois, Tim and... "
"Clark and Lois?" Bruce interrupted. "Why?"
At that, Diana suddenly looked embarrassed. "Er... I might have invited them... ?"
Again with the Glare.
"I couldn't help it!" whined the Amazon. "I was talking about it with Clark at the Watchtower, and... look, it was spur of the moment! I didn't think anything of it, but when Clark told Lois, she jumped at the chance!"
Bruce grunted. Of course she did. Lois took any opportunity to get an exclusive interview from billionaire recluse Bruce Wayne...
"I know what you're thinking," said his wife. "She's not going to put your secret identity in the Planet."
Bruce had to admit, he was surprised she had not reported on that when she found out. But then again, being married to Superman meant she was used to keeping that kind of secret...
"Zatanna and Selina will be there, too." Diana's expression went cool. "Eventhough you were rude to them."
Bruce knew this was coming. "Why are you always saying I'm rude?"
"Because you often are," scolded his wife. "I can't blame them. What you said was terrible."
"All I said was... "
"They ask us to be godparents to their children," Diana continued, "And you tell them to ask someone else!"
He had trouble keeping his own temper. "I didn't exactly say that... "
"No, that's right!" Diana cried. "I think 'You might want to have someone as a backup' were your exact words. Really, Bruce - that's a terrible thing to say! It's an honour to be asked to be godparents, and... "
"I was perfectly reasonable," said Bruce. "Besides, I didn't decline. I simply suggested that - with our lifestyle - they should consider having contingencies."
Diana looked exasperated. "You and your contingencies! And as for being 'perfectly reasonable', why does everything have to be so logical with you? You treat everything like it's a military exercise."
Batman raised an eyebrow. "I don't recall being accused of that when I proposed."
Slowly, Diana warmed. He knew that would get to her. "That... that's different... "
He smirked.
Eventually, Diana sighed deeply. "Look... just... just... oh, just be nice. If it comes up, just say we accept. If you don't, I will. Understand?"
"Completely," he said. "Anyway, I still have work to do. And you... well, you have a birthday party to plan."
"You're right." They sat there for a moment. "Er... are you going to let me go then?"
Smiling, Batman silently craned his neck up and kissed his wife. She returned the gesture as he again ran his hand along her thigh. When their lips seperated, he grinned. "Though if you ask me... you're treating this like a military exercise."
Diana groaned. "Shut up." Reluctantly, the two prised eachother apart. Getting to her feet, Diana took a moment to compose herself, then headed for the lift.
"Oh, and honey?"
She stopped at his voice and turned back to look at the back of his chair.
"It's a fool's errand."
She rolled her eyes a final time before leaving...
TO BE CONTINUED
