Author's note: This story is entirely on Shen finding his redemption and the will to live with an adventurous premise and atmosphere. If you like it, please leave your thoughts in the review box. Please don't just skip by it and continue on. It's highly appreciated. Thank you!
Confused Suffering
Three years...God, when you say it like that...
Three years? It seems too short, yet too long. It feels like life itself is mocking me, just a cruel ghost clinging to my soul, laughing at me. Is it laughing at my utter failure as a living being, or my failure to understand my existence? Doesn't matter, I'm still a failure either way. Being alive after everything I've done or would've done...it confuses me.
I was not a person capable of caring or showing sympathy towards others, nor did I think anyone else was at my level of worthiness. I've killed, I've lied, I've cheated, I've stole, I've been nothing but a careless monster my entire life...why am I still alive?
It's driven me even madder than I was before, making me shake my head in anger and sadness and lie on the ground hopelessly trying to understand. Sometimes I try to kill myself, finish the job...but something is always holding me back. I know I'm not fit live, I've excepted it and embraced its reality because I know that I should be dead...yet I'm alive, and that's what makes me so furious. If I were meant to die, then why do I live still? To fill some greater purpose? To make me suffer? Or is this just some joke that the universe has decided to play on me? Because if it is, no one's laughing.
As I lay here in the dirt, gazing up into the sky with a sparkling eye, I try to review my life. Figure out how this all happened. Let me try to start from the beginning...
In the glorious Gongmen tower in the center of the infamous Gongmen City, the royal peacocks observe the scenery proudly. The royal couple stood atop the highest floor, watching peacefully knowing that their newborn baby fowl was perfectly alive and healthy. The young fowl's name was Shen, son of Lord Kentu and Mistress Oren.
The two peacocks had come from nothing but royalty. Everyone in the family served a higher purpose, and every peacock lived in classes incredibly higher than the common street folk. The peacocks had been born entrepeneurs, rulers, innovators, and even fighters; they had the right to wealth and power.
Kentu and Oren turn their gaze from the large crowd down at the bottom of their home, all waiting to catch a glimpse of the newborn baby. They looked at each other with love and pride, happiness overfilled them. They awaited the word of one of their servants to tell them that he was ready.
Sure enough, within the next few moments a short goat steps to them from behind the balcony.
"Masters, he is ready."
With that, another batch of servants came from behind the goat, all carrying a small portable thrown with none other than the young albino peafowl himself. His robe was dressed gloriously with white and silver, almost matching his pitch white feathers. The servants set the throne down and respectably bowed to their masters as they walked away.
Oren strutted slowly over to her son, shedding tears as she came next to him. Shen's bright red eyes glimmered at her as she lifted him up and carried him in her wings. She walked back to the balcony, holding her son delicately to her chest. Kentu stepped forward and carefully received Shen from his mother who almost didn't want to let go. The blue peacock strutted over to the balcony while gazing at his son. Just by the look of this fowl, he knew he would be destined for greatness.
Kentu waited a short moment, and then lifted the baby in the air, allowing everyone below to clearly see the albino bird, to which they cheered in happiness. But Kentu hadn't lifted Shen up for the crowd.
"Do you see this, son?" Kentu asked, letting his son gaze over the incredible Gongmen City, basking in its awestricken glory. "All of this could be yours some day...all of it."
All of this could be yours. That's what he told me. But I know that you can't just have something great, it's not a granted wish. The only way to get something you want is to take it, seize it and declare it yours. Happiness must be taken and I will take mine. It still makes sense, but the events that followed prove me wrong time after time. It's almost as if my life is on a trivial back loop with no straightening it.
The dirt I lay in feels disgusting, but I don't want to get up. I stare at the sky everyday, hoping that I'll get some message, some hint or a sign of what to do next. I feel the scars around my chest and neck, making me feel strangely relaxed. And like my confusion, these scars are permanent. They stay as a reminder of the past.
Most people in my situation would be happy, ineptly thankful for their existence. I can only curse myself for not dying and confuse myself for being alive, there is no gratefulness. Like I said, I'm nothing but a cruel joke the universe played.
Well, maybe that's enough sulking for now. I need to eat.
My new home now consists of a small little cave on the beach, just outside of Gongmen City Harbor. It's enough for me to fit in, but it's a prison compared to my old home. I walk back to it from the bamboo forest I was just lying in, only taking me a few minutes. I approach the makeshift door I constructed out of bamboo, bark and seaweed. My wings curls around its edge and pull it down with one forceful yank, causing it to rest on the sand. Strolling in, my eyes catch a small piece of bread on a flat rock I use as a table. I take few steps in, not bothering to put the door back on the opening. I retrieve the piece of bread, eyeballing it closely. It's my last piece before I have to go find more, so I need to savor it.
I bring the grainy loaf to my mouth and rip a piece off with my beak. It tastes stale and drizzled with sand, making it crunch with every chew. It's tough and hard to pull apart, making it difficult to swallow. It goes down like a jagged stone, scratching my throat. It is foul and disgusting, but it's all I have, so I finish it quickly.
I feel my legs about to give out on me, shaking like an earthquake was happening right under me. I slowly step to my "bed", made out of old paper and linen I find in garbage cans. However, I do have a pillow that is not ripped or torn in anyway. I drop down onto the small sleeping space, making me look up at the stony roof of the cave.
I look out at the sunset...it reminds me of Jun-Su. He was so greatly artisitic. Even when we were young.
The young Shen, now eight years of age, roams around Gongmen City with his mother. The streets are filled with people of all kinds; pigs, goats, gazelles. Oren had decided to take Shen out to see the city, let him explore and discover new things in Gongmen. She walked with him closely, not letting him out of sight yet still keeping her head shifting around, looking at the different shops and kiosks.
The young peacock could not keep his eyes from bulging at all the merchandise. The streets were busy and he had to constantly dodge people, but he didn't mind the trouble. He held on to his mother's wing tightly while keeping his head on a swivel. They eventually got to a large alley that had kiosks lined up on the sides with crowds and crowds of people filling it. Oren began to stare down the aisle, craning her head over everyone, when she felt her son tug on her sleeve. She glanced down on her young prince, looking at his confused expression.
"Mom," he said unsure, gaining her attention. "Where are we?" Oren pressed her beak tightly with a smile.
"We're at a market, dear. You can go here to get things you need, like food, cloths, medicine-"
"But we can get all that stuff at the center of town where it's less busy. Why are we here?" Oren just looked back at the enormous crowd flowing through the alley market.
"Because sometimes, you can find really interesting things made by the locals that live here." Shen looked at his mother, with slight confusion.
"So, we're shopping?"
"Well, I guess you could say that. Yes, we're shopping." Shen immediately lit up from confused to happiness and wonder.
"Cool! If I see something I like, can I get it? Huh, mom?" Oren smiled lightly.
"Yes, yes Shen. You can get whatever you want!" Shen then grew an excited expression on his face as he and his mother began to push through the market.
While sliding through the town's people and dodging others, Shen and Oren gazed through what the market had to offer. They saw hand-made robes woven from silk, expertly crafted flutes and instruments, home-grown produce, interestingly bizarre hats, sandals crafted from bamboo wood and so much more. Shen found himself in a wonderland of beauty and mesmerizing crafts, making his amazement engorged even larger. Oren eventually found a small shop that wasn't a kiosk, but a building hidden within the kiosks. She pulled Shen with her into the small shop, glancing down at him to make sure he was still next to her.
The mother and son entered, gazing at what the shop had to offer. It appeared to be a shop that primarily sold artwork and writing utensils. The walls were covered in gorgeous painting of sunsets, trees, flowers, and even portraits of other people. It was all too much to take in as he let go of his mother and began to wonder around the small shop, basking in its color. Oren grinned lightly as she too strutted around the shop, gazing at the artistic glory.
There was a wolf behind the counter who looked like he was at least thirty. He had on a somewhat filthy outfit consisting of brown loose pants and a matching brown jacket. He stepped from behind the counter to greet his customers formally. He approached the female bird confidently, only to discover for himself that she was royalty.
"Mistress Oren! What a pleasure it is to have such amazing guests as you! Welcome!" the wolf greeted, bowing to the peahen with great respect.
"Why, thank you," she said politely with a smile to ease his obvious tension.
"Would be happening to be looking for anything in particular, madam?" Oren kept to herself for a moment, gazing at the art once again.
"No, me and my son were just browsing." The wolf then looked over at young white peacock looking at the painting with intent.
"Ah, yes! How could I have forgotten about the young heir to Gongmen? It looks like he hasn't grown his head feathers or train yet?"
"No, not yet. But the doctors have said that they'll grow around his teen years."
"Well, that is good." Oren glanced at the paintings again, then back at the canine.
"Did you paint these?" The wolf lit up with enthusiasm.
"Yes! Well, most of them. My son is responsible for a few good ones in here." Oren gaped with impression and respect.
"Wow, you and your son must be very talented to have painted all of these."
"Yes, yes...where is he anyway? JUN-SU!" The wolf shouted behind him, waiting for a response to come from the door way behind the counter. A reply was heard after a few moments.
"Yeah, pa?!"
"Get out here! We have very special guests!" Footsteps were then heard coming from the door. Out came a very young wolf who looked identical to his father. He wore the same cloths and had the same eye color. "Jun-Su, this is Mistress Oren. She governs Gongmen City." The young canine bowed his head.
"A thousand pleasures ma'am." Oren was struck by his display of respect. He was so polite for his age.
"And to you too, Jun-Su. You father tells me that you paint as well?" Jun-Su nodded his head rapidly.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, you're a very talented boy. I'm very impressed."
"Thank you ma'am." Oren then took a glance at her son who was still staring at all the artwork hung on the walls. She then looked up at the adult wolf again.
"Would it be alright if your son introduced himself to Shen over there? He has a hard time making friends."
"Oh it would be a dozen honors! Jun-Su!" The young wolf then trotted over to Shen.
Shen continued to stare, amazed at the incredible detail and design of all the paintings. It was almost like he was losing himself in another world, taking him in and letting his imagination flow with no limits. Shen was interrupted in his thoughts when a young wolf tapped his shoulder.
"Hey there," the young canine said respectfully as he bowed to the peacock. "I'm Jun-Su." Shen found himself a bit confused about why the wolf spoke to him. The only kids that ever spoke to him were the ones he met at royal dinners, and they all weren't really conversational. Shen gave him a friendly smile.
"I'm Shen."
"Nice to meet you, Shen. You looking at anything?" Shen shrugged lightly and pointed at the painting of a sunset on the wall.
"Just this painting. It looks really nice."
"Thanks! I painted that."
"Wait...you made this?" Shen asked, a little dumbfounded. The wolf nodded, making the young bird's jaw drop slightly. "That's so incredible!"
"Thanks, I call it 'The Sun's Pillow'." Shen didn't bother asking why it had been named that, he just continued to stare. In fact, he became a bit jealous.
"Man, I wish I was as artistic as you. Whenever I try to paint or draw something, it comes out looking terrible." Jun-Su shrugged.
"Well, you could be artistic in other ways." Shen became confused once again.
"What do you mean?" The wolf was about to explain, then ran off.
"Wait here!" he said while sprinting back behind the counter. Shen sat there bewildered. After a minute, the wolf came back with a small book. It had a flexible wooden cover and was about an inch thick. He extended the book out to the young prince, who stood unsure for a moment. "Go on, take it." Shen finally took the book from Jun-Su and opened it up. It was nothing but blank pages. All of them, blank.
"What is this for?" Shen asked him with a curve to his brow.
"It's a journal," Jun-Su explained. "You write in it."
"What do I write about?"
"Anything! It could be about your day, drawings, poems, songs. Anything." Shen stood staring at the book for what seemed forever. He eventually grew a smile and held the book under his wing tightly.
"Thanks! Let me just go ask my mom if she will buy this for me."
"Here, I'll come with you." Shen ran over to his mother with the journal close to him.
"Mom! Mom!" Oren glanced down to your son who stood there eagerly.
"Yes, what is it, dear?" Shen then showed her the book he had gotten from Jun-Su.
"Can you buy this for me?" Oren looked at the journal wondrously.
"What is it?"
"A journal!" Oren looked at Shen with a nice smile. She was glad her son had found something like this, so that he could be artistic. It wasn't like it was a toy.
"Why sure, sweety. Here, give it to me." Shen handed the book over to his mother. She then went over to wolf who ran the store, who had pleasant grin on his muzzle.
"Find something?" he asked politely. Oren set the book on the counter and gave the canine a smile in return.
"Yes, how much is the journal?" The wolf immediately shook his hands at her.
"No, no. No charge! Anything for the Mistress of Gongmen." Oren became a bit persistent.
"Please, sir. Let me pay for the book."
"No, I insist!"
"Sir, just because we're royalty doesn't mean that we get that many extra privileges. Let me pay for it."
"Nope. Please take it, it's a gift."
"Please. Just let me pay." The mistress saw how persistent the store owner was and knew she wouldn't get out of it that easy. Then she glanced at Shen and his son, both talking and laughing with each other. They obviously drew a liking to one another. That's when she forged an idea.
"You really want me take this journal?" The wolf nodded his head in approval.
"Yes."
"Then how about this: my son never gets enough time to mingle with friends. So, if you bring Jun-Su to the tower every once in a while and let him and Shen play with each other, we'll be even. Deal?" The mistress extended her wing to make it official. The store owner looked over at the two children, laughing with each other and playing. He grew a heartfelt smile and shook the woman's wing.
"Deal."
That was so long ago. I remember writing in that journal everyday, talking to it like we were best friends. In reality, I was talking to Jun-Su. Just thinking back to when I was that young and carefree makes me a little happier, but then I remember the outcomes of everything, and sadden again.
If only my mother were still alive...I believe I would have never attacked Gongmen, or would have even thought of trying to take over China. I keep thinking of that, like she's still is alive, like she never left. Why do I forget that she is gone? Maybe because I don't have a visble scar for her.
The light emitting from outside is blocked by someone. They're approaching me as my eyes begin to adjust to the sudden light. My vision finally clears, and I know who it is, and I'm not particularly shocked. My mouth spit out words like sour grass.
"Oh, just you again."
Read & Review please. It helps. :)
