It had been 6 months since he had walked away from the DA's office, 6months of self loathing, drinking and missing the one place in the city that felt like home. He'd told her he had to move on but he in reality he was struggling. He could leave behind the job, the victims, the suspects but he just couldn't shake her. Not Liv. He felt lighter and his migraines had stopped but truth was he couldn't escape her memory and the more he dwelled on it the more he regretted the way he had left it.
Ive got to move on he thought bitterly to himself, but hadn't he already done that? hadn't he done that when he handed in his resignation, did he really have to leave her to. He couldn't do the job anymore that much he knew, he was too different, she really had opened his heart and in doing so she had left him open to heartbreak, an emotion he hadn't experienced since his early 20's. He'd told his mother this and shed kindly informed him that the only thing breaking his heart right now was himself. The more he thought about it the more he had to admit that she was right by keeping himself away from her he was killing himself.
It had taken him years to admit his feelings for his friend and partner, years for him to stop lying to himself that his constant requests for drinks were just that of a good friend. Every night he found himself in a corner booth in a bar, his new haunt, on the opposite side of the city from the one he visited so often with her and he'd sit and drink wishing that one night she might somehow find her way to his little corner. He had no right to wish that he knew, he had walked away from her, killed a baby, almost ruined his career and walked away. Sometimes he found himself drafting a text message to her but been too much a coward to actually press the send button, the truth was he didn't know what to say to her.
He was finishing up his last drink and about the exit the little bar, when he turned and saw a face standing at the end of his booth, a face he had never expected to see again. He'd missed it. Her hair was different now, her bangs seeming more prominent, her eyes looked tired and her cheeks had a red glow to them that must have been from the cold air. He opened his mouth one, two maybe three times but nothing came out and he thought that maybe for a moment he saw her smile but before he had chance to enjoy it was gone and she sliding in the seat across from him.
"What? How? How did you find me?" he stumbled over his words like a teenager asking his crush to the prom.
"Lucia called me, said that not having me driving you crazy was actually driving you crazy. Begged me to haul my ass all the way across to town to give you a piece of my mind" he had to laugh at that "But now sitting across from you all I want to do is sit with you and remember how it used to be. Its really not the same without you, Stone he's a good prosecutor but you were always more than that."
"I'm sorry Liv, I really am I just didn't know what else to do"
"Six months Rafael, six months and not one word. Noah's been asking after you and what am I supposed to tell him?" she saw the pain flash across his face but she couldn't let herself feel sorry for him not when he'd caused the same pain for her for months
"I...I don't know. I didn't think about that, about him about you. I just ran" he told her, but he realised his lack of reasoning made it worse
"You think we don't all want to run away sometimes? To not have to face the music or the consequences of our actions, you think I haven't wanted to leave it all behind on more than one occasion? You said you were me now, but you're not Rafael because I would never desert the people that need me the way you did. You are a coward and I am not." she was so angry, he could see it in her eyes
"You're right" he was ashamed "I don't have anything to say to defend myself and I have no right to ask for your forgiveness but I am Liv because although I may not be you I have realised over these last six months that I do need you. I need your light, your colour, your faith. I need you Liv not the Lieutenant Benson to my ADA Barba but the Liv to Rafael because I don't know who he is anymore and I need your help finding him." he was begging, it was pathetic he knew that but he needed her.
She looked at him, for the first time since entering the bar she took in his look. A navy blue polo shirt and a pair of jeans, 5 oclock shadow on his jaw and while she could still the rings under his eyes she noticed that he looked calmer than she had ever seen him. He looked free. Free of the horrors that SVU brings, free of the sacrificial act that brought him here. She reached across the table and took his hand, not saying anything but letting him know that she was there, as long as he was willing to accept her in his life she was willing to be there.
"You're my best friend Rafael" she told him "as junior high as that sounds" she felt him pull his hand away and divert his eyes away from her and around the bar.
"I don't think I can go back to that Liv" as soon as he saw the hurt he regretted his words "I just, I need more. I love you Liv and since I've come to realise that I've also realised that I will never again be happy just being your friend. I understand if you want to walk out of here and never speak to or see me again but that's how I feel" he finished.
He looked up and saw her deer caught in headlights look and knew he'd overstepped his mark, he knew she was scared of relationships and he knew that by telling her that he had probably just lost her forever. Mumbling his apology, he picked up him puffer jacket, and left the bar as swiftly as possible with a speechless Olivia Benson watching after him. It took her a minute or two to regain the use of her limbs once she had she jumped out after him and followed him into the street.
"Rafael!" she saw him halfway down the street, either he didn't hear her or he was pretending not to so she ran.
She received a lot of strange looks from people walking past but she didn't care all she cared about was reaching him before she lost him again. As soon as she was near enough she reached for his wrist and pulled him to her, watching as his eyes widened in shock. She help up her hand signalling for him to give her one second to catch her breath.
"You made me run" she said
"I'm sorry"
"I'm not" she replied "The thing is over the last few months I've been unbearable just ask anyone, and I thought it was because I missed Barba my ADA and my friend and then you had to go and say you loved me in there and now everything makes sense. You see ive always run from relationships or kept people at arms length its what I do best and then suddenly there you were closer than anyone had been in a very long time and then you left. YOu just left. I don't remember the last time I felt so hurt or abandoned" he felt his heart tug "I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, I'm saying that because i've realised that I've fallen in love with my best friend and it took him walking away a second for me to realise.." she was cut off by his lips on hers
Only when he felt her relax under his touch could he allow himself to really relish in what had just happened. He thought he had lost her for good and now here he was kissing her as though she was the only thing he needed to survive and she was responding in kind. He pulled back and looked at her flushed face, grinning from ear to ear.
"I'll never walk away from you again"
Just a quick oneshot because I miss Barba more than I can say!
