The Adventures of Fred Smith. Viva Los... Amerind?
Fred came through the front door of the casino waring a black tuxedo complete with his lucky tabby print bow tie and trademark cheesy grin. Unfortunately he also entered the casino feet first, completely unconscious on a floating gurney, being taken not to the casino floor but to the infirmary specially prepared for Fred's visit. This is after all, truly a full service hotel and casino.
Right now you may be asking yourself such questions as, "What was the means by which Fred was rendered unconscious... this time?" or, "Why was Fred at a casino?" or perhaps, "How can I get myself a lucky tabby print bow tie?" Admittedly, these are all good and totally valid questions, all of which will be answered in due course. But first I should bring everyone up to speed as to what brought Fred here in the first place.
10 Days Earlier
Fred had just been suspended for two weeks due to a little known regulation regarding the use of the transporter to make cheese. So Fred, always the one to find the best in every situation, thought he would use the opportunity to take that long overdue vacation.
Fred had two weeks to do what he wanted. He would have used the opportunity to visit Cait again, but there was an issue with the last time he was there. It seems that when his friend Stanley Apollonski from Pollux IV, who had powers equivilavt to that of a mythical Greek god and had been known to impersonate one on a dare, had arranged to for Fred to host the Miss Cait beauty pagent. The problem however, was it seems that there is no such thing as a Mis. Cait beauty compition, and Fred was told never to come back again, ever. So Fred had decided to take in a play.
Talking about plays, here's a fun fact: The play Cats was actually written by a team of Caitian scientists who wanted to observe humans without requiring the use of elaberate disguises (And you thought the actors were in costume on stage. Just goes to show how little you know.) Later some humans had tried dressing up in cat costumes and perform the play, but it just wasn't the same. Cats was currently on tour, making the rounds of the quadrant, and was going to be playing the theater in the I... AM... KIROK! hotel and casino on the planet Amerind, the galaxy's home of the Indian casino.
The next day, Fred had missed his first shuttle to Amerind. Or more to the point, he didn't miss it, he hit it square on. Fred sat in the shuttle port lounge enjoying the lounge act. It was a holographic representation of the rock band Kiss doing You Lost That Loving Feeling. (Wack!) The waitress set a Cation Tongue Tickler on the on the table in front of Fred. (Thwack! Slap!) He sipped cautiously at at his drink sitting back and enjoying the music. (Smack! Wack! Slap!) "There is nothing like the classics." (Thud!)
Two Tellerite Salsa dancers sitting right behind Fred talked. "My dance partners hands were all over me." One of them explained in semaphore, her little flags occasionaly hitting Fred in the back of the head. "Oh the only thing my dance partner was on was my feet, if you know what I mean." The other replied again in semaphore, likewise hitting Fred. They both giggled again amazingly enough in semaphore.
Scooting his chair forward he turned his attention back to the stage. "Man, Gene Simmons has a long tongue." Fred thought to himself as he sipped his drink as the band began Somewhere Under The Rainbow. (Crack!)
Fred was about to move when two bouncers came and asked the two Tellerites to leave. The Tellerites finding this all totally unfair set their flags a flutter. This was looking like it was gonna turn out to be quite a tussle until the lounge Gorn stepped in and ate the Tellerite Salsa dancers. Disappointed and a little disturbed Fred left to Kiss's classic rendition of It's Not Easy Being Green.
Fred walked into the second level runabout bay ready to begin his vacation. As he entered Fred took note of two things, first was a sign that said, "Forgive the mess during our remodel", and the second was a Jefferie's tube access sitting open.
So as to fully grasp what happened next the events that followed can only be discribed in slow motion. Fred, being Fred, stuck his head inside the Jefferie's tube, "Humm, I wonder what's going on in here?" A humanoid in a thick black foam rubber suit bounded in and bounced straight off of Fred sending him hurtling into the Jefferie's tube. Fred tumbled down the Jefferie's tube and landed on, (is that a diving board?), balanced on top of a pile of checked luggage.
Distracted by the commotion, the attache of a high level Betazoid ambassador who will remain unnamed, tripped and dropped the steamer trunk he was carrying. The steamer trunk fell on the raised end of a diving board seesaw forcing the opposite end up rather suddenly, flinging Fred across the room and into a shipping container. The momentum from Fred's flight into the container forces it to to tip on its side, dumping him onto a grav-lift. As the grav-lift approaches the top of the hanger bay, it makes contact with a girder hanging horizontally from the ceiling from a crane. Due to the arrangement of the grav-lift and the girder, Fred was plucked from the grav-lift by the back of his shirt.
Fred dangled from the girder by his shirt collar for several moments as the girder began to rotate faster and faster until his collar finally tore free, sending him spinning off into the checked luggage department. The luggage on the various conveyors leading to all the various departure gates began to topple one after another. A suit case came off the end of a conveyor crashing into the control panel cranking that baby up to high.
The conveyor flew at ninety miles an hour, and Fred astride an oversized duffel rode that conveyor like a bucking bronco. "Yyyyyaaaaaaaaahhh HhhhhhOOOoooooooooo!" (Remember this is in slow motion.) He was finally launched off the end of the conveyr and straight into an automated luggage cart. The luggage cart loses control and hits a wall. The momentum gained from hitting the wall causes Fred to be ejected from the cart straight into the wind screen of the the very runabout which was to take him off to Amerind.
He seemed to stick there just long enough that people began to wonder if he had stuck before sliding off the nose of the shuttle and falling limply to the floor. Fred raised his head feebly, "Curse you Rube Goldberg, you did it to me again." he said before passing out.
The next thing Fred saw was a familior face. "Kadik?"
"Hey Fred, I'm glad to see your conscious." Kadik squeaked horribly as he sat on the edge of the bio bed.
"How long was I out?" Fred asked sitting up.
Kadik ticked off on his fingers. "Two days, five hours and thirty seven minutes."
"Not too bad, considering." Fred thought out loud before he was distracted. "What in the universe are you wearing?"
Kadik stood, squeaking some more. He was covered from head to toe in thick quilted black foam rubber. "It's my Andorian Speedo." He pointed to the Speedo logo imbroidered on the right hip. "Yup the only thing colder than the Andorian atmisphere is an Andorian swimming pool." He snorted as though he had made some inside joke and pushed his glasses up his nose.
"That's cool." Fred laughed at his little pun as he sat up.
Fred said, shuddering at it's resemblance to the Safety Suit and thinking how it was more slimming in black."But why are you wearing it now?"
"Oh, I was on my way to a high diving competition on Amerind." Kadik explained. "It just so happened I got two weeks off. Which reminds me, if you ever get the notion to use the transporter to make cheese, don't."
Fred grinned sheepishly, "I will keep that in mind."
A computerized voice chimed in, "Now boarding... Shuttle 397 to Amerind."
"I hate to run out on you, but I have a ticket for that shuttle," Kadik said retreaving a green plank which was propped up in one corner. "and if I reschedule again, the lady at the ticket counter promises to give me a wedgie I won't soon forget."
"I have one quick question before you go," Fred inquired. "Is that a diving board?"
"Yep." Kadik confirmed. "All the best high divers have their own diving board."
"Hm, I thought as much." Fred said thinking. "Hold on, I'm coming too, let me just put on my tux."
Fred and Kadik will return in:
Welcome To Fabulous Amerind.
