So, I had this in mind and just started writing.
CAUTION: Mentions of self harm. If triggering, please don't read!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the story. All characters belong to TNT.
Blood quickly dripped to the floor in perfect droplets. She took a step backwards, her back making contact with the wall behind her. Slowly sliding down to the floor, she stared at the deep cut she had just made herself. The knife she used clattered to the floor startling her, but she didn't move her eyes away from her now red, bloody wrist. She knew it was impractical. It wasn't the easiest way, and fastest way to die, but she didn't mind. She liked the pain. It made her feel alive. Although, what she was trying to achieve out of this was not life, but death.
She's so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of pushing through. She just wanted to give in. Give up. So many times, she's had the opportunity, so easily, and finally, today, she gave in. Gave in to the voice. The voice who told her to get the knife. To take it to her skin. The voice who was there with her, all the time. Her savior in a storm. The only person that was there for her these past few months.
The voice she could talk to. Who understood. But who also hurt her the most. The voice that controlled all of her actions. Sometimes it was hard to listen to the voice. But, it was her only choice. Maura gave up on her. They stopped talking.
'You're a murderer. You're a killer. You deserve it. There's no one else in your life. No one who cares about you anymore. It will never get better. I am here for you. I can help you. But you must listen to me. I can help you.'
That voice. The one who talked to her all day long, who put her to sleep, who comforted her. Who convinced her. "I know! I know! You tell me that! But nothing is better! You lied! I'm not getting better!" Jane screamed to that voice. The voice only she could hear.
'Jane, I promise. I will help you. This, will help you.' The voice said referring to Jane's bloody wrist.
"I'm tired. I'm tired of running. I'm exhausted. I just want it to stop! Please! Make it stop!"
'This will.' Then the voice left Jane. There. Bleeding on the floor. Dying slowly. Jane didn't stop it. She didn't try to save herself. She knew this way, the voice would leave her alone. This way, she wouldn't feel sad anymore.
Jane fell on her side to the floor. She lay there, bleeding out in the middle of her bathroom floor. Tears cascaded down her face, falling to the tile flooring. No one could ever see these tears. No one would ever know how much pain she was in. No one would find out about how weak she was until she was dead, when she couldn't care anymore.
Jane could tell that everyone thought something was off with her. But no one would know this deep until they found her. At work she had controlled herself enough that no one would expect her to shatter into a thousand pieces. No one. She would never ever let that happen. No one would know the real Jane Rizzoli. No one would ever find out about what exactly was happening to her as they watched her. No one would know as she moved around the precinct, the morgue, a crime scene. No one would know her thoughts.
She is still alive. Awake. Alert. She pulls herself up. Arms limply hanging down by her sides. Her right one still dripping with blood. With her left hand she clutches the sink, steading herself. Looking into the mirror, at the person she used to be. Now she's just the shell of her former life. Her olive skin is pale, deep dark circles are resting under her eyes. They are never going to go away. They haven't lately, and they never will. Her eyes are a black color. They are not like her old ones, which held life.
That voice is gone. And Jane tries to tell herself she is okay. She will be okay. She just needs to stop the bleeding. She will be okay. But, as she looks to the dying, desperate girl in the mirror, she knows she isn't okay. She won't be okay. She's lying to herself. She knows it. The smile she sports at work doesn't reach her eyes, and it's fake anyway. She wonders if her colleagues notice it. If they know it's not real. No. They don't care about her anymore. They don't see what is really there in front of them. They're smart, but they can't see through the façade.
The voice has clouded her judgment. Jane doesn't realize that it's wrong. She doesn't realize that the voice has made her forget her former self. The person, everyone loved, and cared about. Jane has forgotten that person. Just like everyone else. She was changing but the other detectives didn't notice, because they saw her daily. They didn't see the small changes from the other Jane.
'You're nothing. You're nobody. No one will miss you.' The voice is back. Jane listens. Jane believes that voice is right. 'Once you're gone, you will just be a sad memory. Of someone who always got in the way. You are going to slip into the background.'
Jane once again listened. Jane thought back to the people at the precinct. Jane remembered seeing their looks, asking, where had Jane gone? She remembered the look in each one of their eyes. The desperation. Then she had ignored it, when really, all she wanted to do was scream. Scream at them that Jane was gone. Jane was never coming back, because she had to be punished for what she did. Everything she's ever done. Every person she's killed. Every person that died because she didn't figure it out fast enough.
'Nobody loves you. You hurt people. You're worthless. But, if you listen to me, I can help you. Listen to me Jane. All your pain will go away forever. I can help you forget. Forget everyone you've hurt, I will help you forget the people who don't care about you.'
Jane once again listens. Because she doesn't have anyone else to listen to. No one else has made those promises to her before. Nobody but that voice. Jane inches her way to the floor again, lying down on it. She feels like she's sinking into it. Nobody has been there for her. Her family has taken Maura's side. Told Jane to just go apologize. But that voice, that voice was the only one who was on her side. Everyone turned on her. Everyone. They all walked away. Now it was just Jane and the voice.
Where was the girl who would smile, and go have drinks with the guys?
Where was the girl who would laugh, and be so carefree?
Where was the girl who never worried?
Where was the girl who poured her heart into every case?
Where was that girl?
Where did she go?
Jane knows the answer. That girl disappeared when the voice came. This voice took her away. This voice that made her feel safe, like she wasn't alone. That whispered words to her, and told her that as long as she did what she was told, the old Jane would come back. That there would be no more pain, and just happiness.
More tears slide down her dying face. She wraps her arms around herself, as she begins to shake. She knows death, unconsciousness, will come soon. Soon she'll be able to not feel guilty. She won't ever be scared anymore. She'll be at peace. She counts the breaths she's taking. One, two, three. For the first time in the months since she's gotten that voice, which resides in her head, she's ignoring it. She refuses to listen and believe it. She ignores the voice saying 'It's okay. Listen to me, and there'll be no more pain anymore.'
The pain is taking over her body. It burns her insides. It tears her body apart. She bites her lip, to keep from screaming out in pain.
'You're not listening to me. You deserve all the pain you get. If you will listen to me, I will stop the pain. You'll never feel it again.'
"You promised! You said the pain would be gone a long time ago! Why should I believe you now? You liar! You have always lied! Go away!" Jane yells. She slowly moves her arms up and holds her hands tightly over her ears. She wills the voice to disappear once again. "I gave up everything for you! I trusted you!" She sobs. She tries to ignore the pain. Tries to focus only on one thing. Dying. She focuses all her energy into dying. Hoping that it will speed up the process.
'You will never get rid of me. You are weak. So weak. I will always be here. With you. No matter what!' The voice booms. It breaks into her reverie. Jane shakes her head, trying once again to focus on death. The end result. Everyone comes to it. And now, Jane decided, was her time. 'Pick up the knife! Do it now!' It yells to her.
Jane gives in. Why not? Just one last command before death. She can feel it coming. She's getting even more tired. Her eyes are drooping, and she knows once she does this, she will be gone forever. No one will come. No one will save her.
She picks up the knife. It rests in her hands before the voice speaks once more. 'Slit your other wrist. You'll get rid of me faster.' Jane will do anything to be free of the voice that has had control over her. She guides it to her left wrist, not thinking. Not focusing on anything else. She only focuses on the blade that is about to make contact a second time to the fresh skin.
The dark red drips down her forearm. Jane knows the end is coming soon. She lies back down once again, closing her eyes, she hopes this is the last time she will see anything of this life. The life that has caused her so much pain. So much hate. The life where everyone she ever got close to, left her. Abandoned her. Left her to this moment. Left her to die.
She refused to open her eyes. Afraid that if she did, that everything would get better. That she would be better. She didn't want that. She didn't want to be okay. She wanted nothing of this life. Nothing ever again. She wanted to die.
That's what scared her. The want to be dead. That hurt more than anything else.
The need.
The want.
The suffering.
She wanted to die. Once and for all.
Never coming back.
She didn't think about the people she would be leaving behind. They didn't care anyway.
But, then she felt it. The warmth of someone else. The presence. She felt someone wrapping their arms around her dying, shaking body. Somebody talking to her. Whispering to her. She opens her eyes. "You care." Was all she said.
And in that moment, Jane decided she didn't want to give up. She wanted to live. To fight.
"Of course I care. I never stopped caring. You did, sweetie. You were the only one who stopped caring. I'm so sorry. Please, live. Please live, for me. Fight, Jane. Fight."
"I will." Jane told her. The person who had abandoned her for months. Who never spoke to her. "I will fight, Maura. I promise."
"Hold on." Maura said as tears fell down her face. She was clutching at Jane's wrists. Holding them as tight as she could, to try and stop the bleeding. Maura looked down at Jane. Her best friend. The person she made resort to self-harm, who she made resort to ending up lying in a pool of her own blood.
"I don't want to do this anymore." Jane told Maura. "I want to be happy again."
"I know. I know, sweetie." Maura choked out.
Jane looked to the doorway, she saw Frost on the phone, calling for an ambulance. Korsak wasn't there. He was at the front door waiting for the medics.
"Jane, I need to tell you something." Maura paused, looking down to her best friend in the whole world, even though she didn't act that way these last few months. "I love you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry! Please hang on. I can't live without you Jane. Please."
"I love you too, Maura. I love you." Jane said as the paramedics lifted her up onto the stretcher.
Jane closed her eyes, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she wanted to live. To survive. She wanted to be happy again. She wanted to be loved. She wanted people to care for her. And this, what they all just did, proves that they care. She would be okay. She would get help. And she would be okay.
So what do you think? I am thinking of making this a multiple chapter story, but I don't know. Let me know what you think!
