Title: Momentary Lapse
Authors: Adriana DiVolpe and LevinaIndigo
Rating: T
Pairing: Cuddy/House/Wilson/Chase/Thirteen
Summary: See pairing. Just... see pairing.

Author's Notes: This is a collaboration with a friend of mine who's not on this site. This fic is on crack; I'm telling you now. If you can't already tell that this is supposed to be funny, bail out now. We honestly can't even remember how this idea came to us. We tried. It's gone.

Oh, and I forgot to mention when I first posted the story that the timeline is all shot to hell. Apparently Cameron, Chase and Foreman still work for House, and so does Thirteen; and Kutner and Taub are nowhere to be found. I assume they're taking a vacation in Amsterdam or something. Or they went to Whitecastle.

Warnings: Slash, Femslash, and Emo!Cameron. Also probably a couple bad words, and implied sexual situations. And also crack, lots of it.


Cuddy pressed her fingers to her temples. Her head was throbbing. Squeezing her eyes shut and forcing them open, her vision swam in, a river of blurred colours and shapes.

Groaning and dragging a hand through her wild hair, she rolled over, already beginning to drift back to sleep.

It took her a moment to notice that her cheek was pressed against something warm. Bringing her hand up, she brushed it across what she soon realized was a bare chest.

Her eyes flew open, panic spiking through her.

House let out a snore.

A strangled scream tore itself from Cuddy's throat.

Starting awake, House uttered a surprised, "This isn't where I left my car!"

Cuddy yanked the sheet up over herself and recoiled from House, shrieking a string of unintelligible words. Most of them sounded like profanities.

"What?!" Wilson's voice.

Cuddy looked to the end of the bed.

Wilson blinked back at her. He yelped, throwing himself off the edge of the bed accidentally.

Chase let out a cry. "Crikey!" Wilson had fallen on top of him.

"Chase?!" Cuddy shouted. She put her hands over her face, mortified, her head falling back.

"Cuddy?!" he yelled back in confusion. Then he noticed the body on top of him. "Wilson?!"

"Chase?!"

The men scrambled apart.

"I'm House!" said House. "Now that we all know each other, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chase and Wilson suddenly realized they were both naked. "Aahh!"

Wilson grabbed a pillow off the end of the bed and covered himself. Chase just used his hands.

House lifted the sheet covering his body. "Hey look, I'm naked too." He turned his head, the sheet still raised. "And what do you know, so is Cuddy!"

Cuddy ripped the sheet down and wrapped it tightly around herself, glowering at House.

Thirteen walked in with a can of coffee tucked under her arm, reading a pack of Oreo Wafer Stix. "Cuddy, how are these even Oreos?"

"Thirteen?!" Cuddy cried in disbelief.

"Wafer Stix?!" Chase shouted in excitement.

"And how do you take your coffee?" Thirteen asked.

"This really isn't the time for coffee," Cuddy said.

"I'd like coffee," Chase said.

Cuddy narrowed her eyes at him.

House's expression was especially vacant; his glazed eyes stared at the ceiling in an incredulous sort of way. He said, "This is the best day of my entire crippled life."

"Shut up!" Cuddy barked at him. She pressed her palm to her face.

Thirteen quickly retreated back to the kitchen, not wishing to be yelled at.

The silence in the room was very loud.

"So," Chase spoke after a moment, clearing his throat, "What even happened last night?"

House stared at the ceiling. "It was the best day of my life and I can't remember any of it."

"Me neither," said Chase.

"We have to do it again." House looked over at Cuddy.

"Nice try."

"Fine. I'll just have to make something up." He closed his eyes. "Oh, Wilson!"

Cuddy scowled.

House continued to make noises. "Wilson!"

"House," Cuddy said at him loudly.

"Shh. Oh God, Wilson!"

"Are the rest of us even there?" Cuddy asked.

"Shut up Cuddy, you're ruining it!" House whined. He resumed his mind's eye re-enactment of the previous night's events.

Wilson looked away in embarrassment.

"Anyway," Cuddy shouted over House's voice, "What do you remember, Wilson?"

"Not a lot." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Tequila shots. A bar? I remember being in a car, I think."

"Hang on a second." Cuddy picked up a pillow and mashed it down on House's face, muffling his moans and cries of "Wilson".

"Okay," she said, "go ahead."

Wilson looked blank. "That was all."

"Oh."

Cuddy moved the pillow off House's face, since there was no more important business to be discussed. He finally stopped screaming about Wilson.

Thirteen poked her head around the door frame. "Am I missing it? Did you start again without me?"

"No!" Wilson and Cuddy exclaimed in unison.

"Yes!" House shouted.

Wilson and Cuddy both glared at him.

Thirteen moved into the room holding two mugs of coffee. "Here," she said, handing one to Chase.

"Thanks, mate," he said, accepting the mug.

Wilson looked around. "What time is it?"

Cuddy turned her head to look at the clock. "Shit. It's 8:15."

The doorbell sounded.

Cuddy pulled the sheet around herself and grabbed a bathrobe off the back of the door as Chase and Wilson began looking around for their clothes.

Tying the robe closed, Cuddy pulled open the door to find Cameron standing on her doorstep with teary eyes.

"Cuddy, I can't find House! Is he okay? Do you think he's dead?"

Cuddy sighed. "I don't have time for this right now, Cameron."

"But what if he's dead somewhere? Don't you even care?"

"I'm sure he's fine. He's never at work this early anyway. Why are you worried?"

"Cuddy… My goldfish. He… I tried so hard…" Cameron began to sob.

"What does this have to do with House?"

"He… He could have figured out what was wrong… We could have saved him! Maybe he would still be alive!" She sobbed harder and flung her arms around Cuddy.

Cuddy was not impressed. "Look," she said, "I'm already late for work. Go… I don't know. Go find Chase or something."

"I already looked for him!" Cameron sobbed. "He's not home either!"

"Yeah, well," Cuddy replied, trying to pry a shaking Cameron off of her. "What about your friends?"

"I don't have any friends!" This only made Cameron cry harder. "I don't… Nobody likes me!" The rest of her words were drowned out by her wailing.

"Okay! Okay!" Cuddy conceded, trying to comfort Cameron enough to get her to relax her tightening grip. "I'm sure people like you. I'm sure you're very… smart… and… uh… funny…"

Cameron sniffled, looking up at Cuddy. "Really?"

"Yeah! Sure!" She managed to separate herself from Cameron. "So… I've got to go now, how about you get back to the hospital and wait for House and Chase, okay?"

Cameron sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Okay…"

Thirteen shouted from inside the house. "Cuddy?"

Cameron looked confused. "Why is…"

"Bye! Gotta go!" Cuddy said, backing into the house and slamming the door in Cameron's face.

Cuddy leaned against the door and rubbed her forehead. God, she had a headache.

"Cuddy?!" Fuck, Cameron's voice again.

Cameron pressed her face against the front window, peering in. "Cuddy? Are you having a party?"

Cuddy held her breath.

"Why didn't you invite me to your party?" she whined. It sounded like the tears were starting again.

"Cuddy," Wilson began, appearing from the hallway, "have you seen my suit jacket? I can't find it." He disappeared again, not waiting for an answer.

"You invited Wilson! But you didn't invite me…" She started crying again.

Cuddy edged around Cameron's line of sight and made her way back to her bedroom.

House was snoring.

"House!" she yelled at him. "How can he sleep at a time like this?" she demanded of the others.

Chase shrugged. "That's nothing. You should see him sleep when he thinks a patient's parent is trying to talk to him. Granted, he's probably not actually sleeping, though."

"Well," Cuddy said scathingly, moving around the room, pulling clothing from various drawers, "some of us have to get to work." Moving to the closet, she pulled down a skirt and a blouse before going off to the bathroom, leaving Chase and Thirteen sipping their coffee, and House snoring.