Just been kind of sad lately… So I wrote this. Virtual hugs appreciated.
XO, Sensible Daydreamer
Things We Should've Known
I put the pencil down and exhale loudly. Usually writing would excite me but this time it's hard. I can't form full sentences and the ones I do form are short in length. Nothing makes sense. My brain is fried.
The door opens and Dr. Achard walks in. He gives me a warm smile.
"Time's up, Ponyboy." I nod and push the notebook towards him. He picks it up and closes it; puts it underneath his arm and pulls up my clipboard to look at again. I look at him questioningly.
"Aren't you gonna read what I wrote?"
"No."
"Why'd you have me write if you're not even gonna read what I wrote?" He looks up at me with amusement and opens my notebook. He's barely given it a glance before he speaks up again.
"You didn't write about what you wanted to write about."
That's all he says before he leaves the room. I sink into my bed and rub furiously at my eyes.
XxXXxX
"Time's up. Pencil down." I do as I'm told and push the notebook towards him yet again.
Dr. Achard picks up my notebook and skims the page. He skims the page over and writes something down in it before closing it once more. He goes to leave when I speak up.
"So? What'd you think?" He pauses slightly.
"You didn't write what you wanted to write about." With that he leaves. The door closes with a soft thud.
Anger boils inside of me and I hurl the pencil against the wall. Damn it!
The door opens and Darry slips inside.
XxXXxX
It's all my fault.
Shit.
I drove them away. It was always a hard thing, trying to keep everyone together and happy, but this time I really did it.
And the worst part about it? I had hurt them. Bad…
I've spent at least five minutes just staring at the blank page in front of me. I've practically thought up all the things I could possibly think to write. Horses, sunsets, the crappy food from the cafe, my favorite book…
But I know that once I'm done and he looks at it he's going to say the same thing again.
It's a lie, though. These really are the things I want to write about.
I'm just not writing what he really wants me to write.
But I can't. Not that. Not yet. It's too painful.
I've only written one sentence when the door suddenly opens.
Times up.
Dr. Achard shuffles in once again. I heave a deep sigh.
I really hate hospitals.
XxXXxX
Social Workers had stopped by yesterday. They told my brothers that they weren't fit to be my guardians; but due to a certain appeal given in court not too long ago, they couldn't do anything about it.
Not now, anyways.
They would be keeping careful watch, though. They will fight them, too, if it means getting me to a 'better' home. I sobbed in my room after they left. No one knew.
I am so damn sorry…
XxXXxX
"Look, Pony, I know it's tough with the therapy sessions, but-"
"No, Darry! You don't understand! I don't want to be here!" I try my best not to raise my voice at my brother. I love him so much; but he just doesn't get it.
"I know, kiddo…"
"No, you don't! You keep saying that but you don't, you never did! You're my big brother, I thought big brothers were supposed to know these kinds of things…" I am reminded of a similar argument we had not too long ago…
Darry lets out a shaky breath and hangs his head solemnly. "I want to understand, but you just keep closing yourself off to me… You gotta talk to me, kiddo. I can't help you if you won't talk to me…"
"But I did…" My voice breaks.
He sounds so sad my heart aches. He's different from how he was before and everything I've ever known him to be has now been replaced with someone who doesn't know what to do anymore; that's not Darry at all.
No, I ruined everything.
I was afraid of this. I turn away and throw my blanket over my head.
The silence in the room is deafening. I just can't do this anymore.
"Ponyboy-"
"Please just leave me alone…"
I wait for what seems like an eternity until I hear footsteps and the sound of the door opening and closing. Tears stream down my face and the pain in my heart throbs. I cry and cry until I fall asleep.
XxXXxX
"Excuse me?" Dr. Achard peeks up at me over his glasses. I cross my arms.
"I said I aint gonna write today. I don't want to." I'm fed up with it. All of this therapy crap. Being here, doing everything he tells me to do and still not doing enough. Dr. Achard blinks a few times before grabbing a nearby chair and sitting down.
"Ponyboy, why do you think I have you write?"
"Well you're a therapist. I told you I liked writing and you had me write. It's supposed to calm me down, isn't it?"
He gives a reluctant nod. "I suppose it was to do that. But that's not all there was to it. I had you write because it was the only way you'd feel comfortable talking about what happened."
I knew it.
"Well, I don't want to talk about that." I seethe.
"Of course you don't. Nobody ever does. It was a traumatic experience, what happened to you."
I roll my eyes.
"It's hard to cope with and can seem embarrassing, but you weren't to blame. You were a victim and he took advantage of you."
My stomach drops at that last sentence.
"What are you talking about?" My heart begins to beat faster.
"Ponyboy, every suicide and suicide attempt comes with a tragic backstory, and it's our jobs, as therapists, to do the research." He holds up his clipboard and raises his eyebrows ever so slightly. My blood runs cold.
No…
"No. Y-you couldn't… That's impossible… Not just by looking at my chart…"
The room seems to get smaller and my brain switches into overdrive. Dr. Achard sits in a chair next to my bed.
"Son, listen to me. You and I both know that it doesn't take a genius to figure these kinds of things out. You aren't the only one. There are a lots of boys out there who have been through similar situations. But what's important right now is that we address your feelings towards your brothers and ultimately yourself. If you don't confront what had happened to you and keep it tucked away in the back of your brain, you'll only allow it to grow and take control of who you are."
I don't register what it is he's actually talking about. All I know is that someone else knows now. someone else knows what happened… How careless and stupid I was…
All of a sudden my head is heavy and I have to look down. It's both cold and hot in the room and I can feel myself shaking. This can't be happening…
I shut my eyes tightly. Words start to spin in my head.
I really didn't mean anything by what I had done.
"Son, if you don't want to talk about this now then you don't have to," Dr. Achard's voice seems to echo.
They ruined everything. No, I ruined everything.
"Ponyboy?" The beeping gets faster. The lights get brighter.
It wasn't fair. What they did to me… What had happened…
"—Happening? Ponyboy? deep breaths, son, c'mon. Breathe…"
Everything that's haunted me, all of the feelings and nightmares that I have tried so hard to keep buried deep down inside of myself are now swirling inside of my brain.
It's sharp and excruciating.
"Two-Bit…" I tried to explain.
"Fuck you, Ponyboy."
"Ponyboy? Son? Can you hear me? Hey!" Dr. Achard's voice dissipates into the blackness that envelopes me.
