TITLE: Hurting
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Jen's in pain, find out why
SPOILER: General S2, but not really
RATING: TV-PG
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just LMK where it's going. I like to see my name in print. =)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these wonderful works by Kevin Williamson. The guy is a God of screenwriting and I bow at his feet for temporarily stealing his characters for my own personal enlightenment. =)




Okay, so I'll admit it. I'm big enough to do that.

Today, I'm hurting.

A lot of days, I'm hurting.

But, really. Can you blame me?

I haven't stopped loving Dawson. I'll never stop loving Dawson. And as I watch him marry Joey, I feel something I can't even express to anyone through any of my mystical powers.

Oh wait, yes I *can*.

I just won't. Joey never *really* did anything to me, and it would be horrible of me to ruin her wedding just because I want her husband.

Though it would be nice to see what would happen if that tree came down and...

NO!

I refuse to do it.

Yep, I'm jealous.

Don't sound so surprised, I was jealous of Joey from the moment I met her. It may sound crazy, especially since I know she was envious of all she thought I had, but all I wanted was to be pure and sweet and innocent the way she was. Yes she'd seen alot, but not the way I had. She'd felt the pain of losing a parent, but never that of abused by a man she trusted. The two are different, and yet the same.

Everything Dawson liked about me, Joey didn't have, and I know that made her hate me. And I understand it because that's the very reason I'm hating her right now. I know I'm supposed to be above such feelings by now, but come on. I'm still only eighteen and I can't help being who I am.

The thing is, all the things Joey felt she needed, they paled in Dawson's eyes to what he saw in her. She had it all, and then some, and it's evident in his smile today just how much he loves her.

I wanted to be loved that much. Ha. 'Cause that'll happen.

I sometimes wonder about Dawson though. Does he know I watch him every day? See his every move?

If he knows, does he care?

It's been eight years.

*Eight* years.
The accident was nobody's fault, and I can't ever blame him. God, I was the one driving and I was the one that was drunk. I was the one that died, so why did everyone else feel so damn bad? It's not as though any of them would really miss me, be sorry I was gone.

I know I should've let Jack drive. I know he's going to carry this around with him forever. The guilt, the baggage, even though he didn't do anything. 'Cept stay sober and let a girl push him around. And I think I gave him a black eye, it's hard to remember.

I wish I could help him. I'm told in time I can, but that's not enough for me. I loved Jack. Not the way I love Dawson, but I cared deeply for him and we were happy. And I'm miserable knowing that I'm up here and he's down there and we're both all alone.

I can't imagine what it would be like to carry around the guilt every day that your girlfriend died on your nineteenth birthday.

He's sitting in the second row with Chris, his.....companion. I won't say boyfriend because I don't think they do anything but talk and live in the same house. He looks so sad, and I'm not sure if it's because he thinks he'll lose Joey's friendship now that she's moving to LA for good or because he thinks I should've been there.

And I should be.

Oh well. Can't change the past.

Don't blame yourself, Jack. God, I wish he could hear me. You didn't do this, you understand? I did it.

The end of the world as I knew it comes with those little "I do"s. Dawson and Joey will live happily ever after in Los Angeles and they'll be the Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw of our generation. Not even God knows how much I envy that.