Summary: When Sora dies horribly at the hands of Xaldin, Roxas turns back into a Real Boy and must once again join the Orgy XIII to complete the task of getting a heart back. Part re-write, part total crack, and all awesome. There will be slash, but it isn't the entire plot (hopefully...). AkuRoku, XemSai (although I won't be talking much about that, thank you)… and probably more…
Please review! If you do so I'll continue, not to mention love you forever!
Chapter One: Losing Consciousness
Some sagas have romantic endings. Some calm ones, or violent ones, or ones that bring you to tears and leave you crying even as the credits roll. Some really stupid ones end with you going, "Why the hell did I just ruin the word 'Twilight' for myself forever?"
But some rare sagas inexplicably have that calm ending. That serene ending that fills you with peace.
This one has none of those. I just thought you ought to know.
It all began one chill day in a castle in the middle of the woods, with a boy and a villain.
The boy in question, known in many parts by the name of Sora, gasped for air. Maybe not air as a whole, actually, but oxygen. Yeah, mostly oxygen. Right now, he seriously did not like air, and he was reasonably certain the feeling was mutual. He twisted his head a bit, feeling a bone in his neck snap in two when he stared at-
His opponent laughed, and then fell into a horrid coughing fit. "Donald and Goofy are out, Sora. No more potions. No hidden abilities. No more ethers to magically appear." he cooed, twirling a lance lazily. "Drive ain't powered up either, bud. Looks like you're screwed."
Sora moaned as he felt the lance pierce his leg, then bone with a sickening crunch. Should he have practiced more? Actually remembered to learn about Drive? Carry more than three potions and one ether around at a time? Heh, hindsight. His eyes shut, and his breathing slowed to a wheeze. His only thought was-
GODDAMMIT GOOFY YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT
Heavy footsteps came nearer, and his keyblade was plucked from a limp hand. A half-hearted cry escaped his lips as sweet, sweet life finally left him. Goodbye Riku...goodbye Kairi...I hope you burn in hell, Goofy…
Xaldin examined his new found weapon carefully, paying close to no attention to the dead keyblade wielder lying at his feet. It was pretty much just a giant key with some sort of key chain hanging off of it. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that the key chain controlled the sort of keyblade Sora used. Six or so various ones were found in one of the giant pant pockets, and Xaldin suspected there were more out there the boy had yet to find.
Grinning slightly, he carelessly slipped them into a black fold of his coat, and stood up, stretching out his back in the process.
"Aiii!" His goddammed back had been bothering him ever since The Sledding Incident when Vexen had still been alive. Sighing, he turned to leave the place, snapping his fingers to conjure a dusk or two.
His black boots clacked slightly against the stone.
Honestly, he hadn't thought he would beat them, he really hadn't. Then, a lucky hit and a lack of ether left Donald on the ground. After that, Goofy wasn't incredibly difficult, and then the Beast and Sora were on their own with no magic to use against him. Three lances, double quick, to the Beast and then Sora.
Sora.
Just a little kid, almost, standing there confusedly with his quivering hands clutching the keyblade like there was no tomorrow.
He was right.
As he turned to leave, he remembered that the boy's anthropomorphic sidekicks were still alive. Goofy was snoring loudly, and the duck-thing was drooling onto the concrete. And, of course, the Beast would have to be dealt with.
Xaldin let out a small groan, and decided these two idiots probably couldn't find their way out of the castle without killing themselves in the process. Even so, he mentally noted to destroy their gummi ship on the way out.
The Beast, on the other hand, he would simply kill.
He waved a hand, and several lances shot towards their target. After checking for a pulse, then smiling when he realized the lack thereof, his mind turned to other, more arrogant things.
Xemnas would be most pleased and, perhaps, they could get Number XIII back with them. That would be excellent indeed.
Humming to himself, he willed the lances to disappear, and then faced the problem of what to do with the boy. Abruptly, the humming ceased.
Take him? Perhaps. A trophy for Number I? He would certainly appreciate it, if he was coherent enough to understand the gesture. These days the Leader mostly just sat locked up in one of the more obscure towers of Castle Oblivion, muttering incoherently to himself about hearts, with the occasional visit from Saix.
Sora, he found, was quite light. After hefting the small figure over his shoulder and holding the keyblade with his other hand, he whistled for some Nobodies. Then he realized, to his delight, he wouldn't have to carry Sora the whole time, and handed him off to a group of Dusks. Smiling as they floated upwards, Xaldin sending off a couple of lances to go destroy the gummi ship. Alighting on the top, Xaldin ordered exactly thirty-two Assassins to battle Goofy and Donald once they woke up. Remembering the Gummi Ship, then rationalizing not destroying it because of sheer laziness(the fools would be dead, right? It's fine.), he opened a portal, which the remainder of his group, and Sora, walked through.
A white room.
Silence, besides the echo of his boots and the thin swish of Nobodies swimming through the air.
"Odd.." he grumbled to himself. No one was there in the common room to greet him. Shrugging, he checked the wall tablet. Nothing unusual; Xigbar and Luxord out on a mission, with Axel doing God-knows-what God-knows-where. In fact, God himself might not even know where that senile red head was, let alone the heinous acts (probably having to do with treason) he commit every which way.
"You were successful?" a cold voice behind him.
Xaldin, not at all startled by Saix's rather random appearance(one gets used to it), turned around. "Yes."
"I'll take the boy."
With a curt nod, Saix and the Dusks left the room.
"...sir?" Saix hadn't taken the keychains, which Xaldin realized were still in his pocket.
Meanwhile, Roxas was getting more and more pissed off. First of all, he was still mostly invisible. Second of all, until now, he could go through walls, along with an assortment of other (see: all) solid objects. "Until now" being the key phrase here. He was currently trapped inside an air duct, because now, at the worst possible time, he suddenly started to become corporeal again.
"Delightful." he gritted his teeth. "Now I'm stuck somewhere in the Disney Castle inside of a goddammed air duct made of metal. Screw you, Disney. SCREW YOU!" he yelled the last bit and started to bang on the walls violently.
Since the rather retarded castle appeared to house no one save about four people, Roxas was sickeningly aware of his predicament. Maybe three million years later he would be greeted with the cries of "Sora, is that you?" So he did the only thing he could think of: call that freaky guy who seemed to be stalking him's name.
"Axel."
"AXEL!"
"AXEEELLLLLL!"
He shrieked like a little girl. No answer. He should have known…
His memories had started to return about an hour ago, and it was apparent they weren't quite finished. Mostly he remembered the freaky red-haired dude who kept following him around and making strange advances, along with some random scenes that kept having static interference for some inexplicable reason.
Suddenly, Roxas had an idea. Which would kill him if it didn't work. Well, some chance was better than no chance, he supposed.
Metal, metal, what would melt metal?
Fire. Fire would melt metal.
Struggling to move, Roxas conjured his keyblade.
"Fire!" came the muffled yell.
And then: "AUUUGH THE PAIN THE HORRIBLE PAIN!"
The fire did not melt the duct, it simply heated it up to an unbearable temperature, which in turn damaged Roxas's newly found skin.
"ICE ICE DEAR GOD HAVE MERCY BLIZZARGA!" Ice sprouted from the tip of his keyblade, and his second degree burns were met with equally horrible cold, making them hurt even worse.
His cries were so loud Queen Minnie woke up from her afternoon nap. She chalked up to a particularly vicious bird, then fell back asleep.
So, when Axel finally found him several hours later (don't ask me how), Roxas was in such a desperate need of medical attention that it wouldn't be fixed with a simple Cure (or Curagaga, for that matter).
Not that Axel would even have one, as he'd gone off on a terrible rant a few years ago about how Cure was 'weak' and only 'weaklings' used Cure, and how 'manly men worthy of Roxas' relied on 'super-duper awesome ability' to heal their wounds.
"You idiot..." Axel held the knocked out keyblade wielder bridal style, the air duct laying in chunks around the two. If you're wondering how Axel broke the duct with fire, his is special fire. Roxas only used normal fire. Only weaklings worry about plot holes.
Several hours later, Roxas awoke to the sound of Xemnas and Axel arguing about something or another.
"Number VII, I named this place…please don't bash i-"
"Xemnas, are you on retard pills or is it just natural? Why the hell is everything here called 'The fill-in-the-blank That Never Was?"
"Meh..." a gloomy voice replied.
"Ugh..." Roxas croaked. He was covered head to toe in white bandages. Only his fingers were free, and even them he had quite a bit of trouble moving, especially, as he discovered, the fist he wanted to punch Axel in the face with.
They immediately stopped talking and looked at him, noticing his random awakening.
"Roxas!" Axel jumped on him. "You're awake!"
"Oww..." Roxas groaned. "And yes, Axel, quite. I didn't notice myself until you wasted a second of my life telling me."
Xemnas strode over closer to him. "Will you be rejoining the Organization, Roxas?" To the point, wasn't he? No needless blabbering like the idiot in the next line.
Axel looked at him hopefully.
The boy in question sighed and tried to look as if he was asleep again. It apparently worked, or Xemnas's yellow contacts were jacking up again.
"Roxas..." he heard Xemnas say. "Come, Axel. We'll check up on him again tomorrow, I suppose."
A sigh, and then Axel removed himself. Two sets of footsteps clattered as they left the room. Well, Axel's clattered. Xemnas's sort of shuffled. Roxas slit an eye open, then smiled, delighted.
"Hi." Naminé sat in the waiting room chair. Although she hadn't been there before, she had a habit of disappearing and reappearing in peculiar ways which Roxas was mostly used to.
"Hey, Nami." Roxas struggled to sit up. "Whatcha doing here?"
She smiled at him. "Seeing my best buddy."
Roxas laughed, which turned into a violent cough.
Naminé peered a him. "Dude, you got burnt. How does that equal coughing?"
Roxas shrugged. "I cast blizzarga, which apparently gave me a cold."
She giggled lightly, putting a hand over her mouth. "So, are you going to join the Orgy?"
"...the what?"
"That's my pet name for it these days."
"Ah. Well, considering what's been going on recently, I wouldn't put it past them to consider renaming it. Did Axel, ah, help you?"
"Yeah..." she giggled, remembering some past Roxas had not been present for. "Sooo, are you?" she leaned in closer, smiling at him. "Going to join, I mean."
One could almost mistake her for a Mary-Sue if one didn't know her well enough.
"I dunno...maybe...Demyx is gone now, right?"
Sora killed him..." Naminé looked away, a bit of sadness even in her desolate eyes.
"..." Roxas stared at his hands. "Who all is left?"
"Lemme think. You...Xemnas and Axel, obviously. Xigbar, yeah, he's still alive. Xaldin is. Oh, and Saix, I think. Luxord too." She counted off. "Just seven."
"Hm."
"In other words, all the creepy, possibly pedophiliac, members are the only ones left. I try to play To Catch a Predator extra-often."
Roxas grinned at her. Namine hadn't changed one whit, which, in a way, was pretty comforting. Of course, in other ways, it was definitely not.
"Hey, is my cat Sneeze still alive?"
"Um. Mostly? She and I, ah-" she spoke nervously, looking away. Roxas thought about the mysterious patch of fur on her bag.
"Okay, let's talk about something else now."
"Okaayyyyy...do you know why you're corporeal?" Naminé crossed her arms.
"No..." He hadn't thought about that.
"Sora's dead." Naminé beamed.
"You are such a sadist, man..." Roxas whimpered, remembering the time he'd stolen her sketchbook and she'd proceeded to sit on him and push his pressure points until he screamed the location as she laughed the entire time. Even after he'd revealed the hiding spot… god, why was he thinking about that?
Naminé flashed her evil little half-smile. Everyone thought she was so quiet and sweet...were they ever wrong...Roxas took a deep breath and sat up. "I'll join."
"Great!" Naminé grinned. "Here."
She fished out a Ziploc bag from her gray (and fur) backpack and tossed it to him.
"Exactly how am I supposed to put this on?" Inside was his old coat.
"I dunno." She smiled and laid his boots on his lap as well.
"You suck." Roxas flopped back onto his pillow, and, muttering a rather angry goodnight to his fellow room occupant, crashed into a deep sleep.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Roxas was kayaking in green. Maybe he had on tinted glasses, maybe not, but everything he saw was a different shade of green. His kayak was a darker color, reminiscent of the jungle. The water had a glassy emerald sheen to it, broken by the fierce lime waves that hit him every few seconds right in the face.
Knowing, somehow, he had to get to shore, as one does in dreams sometimes simply know things, he beached his kayak and fiddled with the straps just as a bright green tsunami rushed towards him. Hurrying, he scrambled into a tree, which would protect him. Because dream-trees are awesome, that's why. Someone else was in the tree, though, someone he…knew…
"ROXAS!"
"Huh?"
"It's me, Sora! Please, Roxas, you have to help me, something bad's happened, something really, really, ba-" Roxas couldn't see who was speaking, he could only hear the faint rustle of branches. Meh. Must not be important, then.
"ROXXA-"
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
"-ASSSSSSSS!" Axel yelled.
"I'm awake, I'M AWAKE." Roxas mumbled, covering his head with the pillow. The dreary, horror movie-esque hospital room loomed around him, and he wondered how he hadn't noticed it yesterday. Probably, oh, I don't know…HOW YOU WERE ALMOST DEAD?
He brushed his face with his elbow, and discovered he was still covered in bandages. However, he didn't hurt almost at all, in fact, he felt pretty much okay.
"Hey, Roxy, are you joining?" Axel asked, trying to keep the edge of hopefulness out of his voice.
"Yes, Axel." Roxas groaned. He was still tired, and more than a little irritable. "Would you mind opening the, cough, curtains?"
Axel, for once, did as requested, and light soon streamed into the formally creepy room. As Axel sat on his bed with a plop, a doctor strode in. Her hair was black, very straight, and she smelled faintly of mildew, which was not pleasant, as Axel made clear with a nose wrinkle.
"Roxas, how are you feeling?" she smiled, "My name is Doctor Bright."
"Your last name is Bright? Seriously?" questioned the not-at-all-obnoxious Axel.
"No…it's Blessings. But wouldn't a doctor named Blessings be a little cliché?" Axel scowled. "That's what I thought." she raised her eyebrows at him with a side glance reminiscent of a little blonde girl.
Axel huffed and crossed his arms, making Roxas chuckle a little inside. People who could deal with Axel were few and far in between.
"Xemnas has ordered your release today, but if you aren't ready, I can probably talk him into letting you stay a little while longer."
"Actually…I'm feeling fine…" Roxas flexed his right arm carefully and discovered there were miniature pink robots trying to capture it, "Am I on drugs?"
"You do realize this is the twelfth district."
"Yeah, so?"
"We still have some experimental drugs left over from Vexen's time we like to randomly give out to patients."
"Awesome…"
"Here." She passed him the papers, and, after fumbling briefly, a pink pen with "Try And Steal Me 3" printed on the side, which made Roxas a bit nervous, but his desire to not get murdered made him just ignore it and keep on trucking.
Nonetheless, he scribbled his signature, clicked the pen shut, and flopped backwards, ignoring Axel's random cry.
Doctor Bright flipped through the sheets and sheets of medical work, putting on a small pair of glasses.
Axel twittered his thumbs.
Roxas looked through the bag given to him by Namine, checking to see if everything was still there.
Five minutes passed.
And five more.
Axel began to hum Kashmir.
Roxas discovered his black Orgy uniform had apparently been produced by Abercrombie & Fitch, and let out a short sniff of disgust.
Ten more, and then the good Doctor smiled and said, "We're good."
Roxas, who was in the process of trying to put on his outfit underneath the sheets, popped his head up and beamed.
Axel held a finger up, and hummed the final note.
As Bright exited the room, Roxas finished zipping up his cloak, and tugged on his boots. The bandages, he decided, made him look awesome, especially how they covered up his mouth.
And, as an added bonus, NO MOUTH MOLESTATIONS.
Off to the Castle they were.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Namine sat in her room. It was white. Egad, she hated white. Gray was her favorite color. But did Xemnas listen?
No.
How could you even confuse the words 'white' and 'gray'? They don't even have one common letter between them!
Evidently, though, where there's an utter lack of paying attention there's a way, and three days after entering the Organization Namine was gifted with seventy-two white dresses three sizes too small, and a very hurried paint job that colored everything in her room white. Including, for some reason, her laptop (whose name, incidentally, was Bessie Moo).
After doing some digging, she discovered Xigbar had apparently thought it would be funny to 'help out Xemnas'.
Ever wondered why Xigbar wears an eyepatch?
Hint: it's not a fashion statement.
So when Roxas moved in and suddenly he owned and iPhone, a Macbook, two cars, and a poster of Sephiroth (okay, that MIGHT have been Xigbar, and Roxas MIGHT have hated it, but she's on a rant so no one cares), who was to blame her for being a little bit jealous?
(More than a little, Nami, dear)
*smacks*
Uh, that is, she was just a smidgen jealous. And because of this miniscule atom of envy, she stole into the new boy's room and, being very careful, strapped him to his bed and called Axel.
Axel came.
She fled.
Roxas was not amused.
So, inadvertently, through an act of revenge that didn't hurt Roxas as much as Axel (she's not the most logical of people), the little witch was the reason thirteen and seven weren't making out constantly.
Don't be angry at her though, she was just trying not to be a Mary-Sue. Don't ask me how this plan was supposed to work, because, like I said, she isn't the most logical of people. Now she's got a personal agenda out for these blasted abominations of OCs (for some unknowable reason), and believe me, if your choices are
bathe in a bucket of dog slobber that happens to be on fire and has a pit of writhing snakes in it, or
have Namine on your tail with a bone to pick,
you will always, always, choose option A if you don't want natural selection to take you out of the gene pool.
In any case, past viciousness or no, Roxas and she were the best of friends now, sharing in delight with snakes in Axel's shower, or perhaps salt cookies baked for Axel's benefit. She absolutely couldn't wait for her only friend to be home. Hanging around the Twilight Town's gang was okay for short periods, but only her favorite blonde could appreciate evil as she did.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Luxord was drunk, and trying to convince several lower-level Nobodies to play cards with them, as he was under the impression they were Demyx and Lexaeus. The aforementioned Nobodies were very confused, and making related gestures with their…hands…(?)
The rather old, yellow haired Nobody was having quite the time, not sparing a thought to poor Roxas. Actually, Roxas probably appreciated that.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Saix was cavorting with Xemnas, and hopefully Roxas was NOT on their minds. I'd rather not talk about this more than I have to.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Xaldin and his several lances were watching television. This about as boring as it sounds. He'd thought about Roxas that morning, and had told Xigbar he should probably plan a coming-back party for the boy.
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Xigbar was wearing a party hat. It was shaped like a pirate hat, and, to add to the 'subtleness', there was a giant skull in the middle. Roxas had the amazing awesomeness of happening to come back on Xigbar's favorite day, September 19th. Pirate themed celebrations, anyone? Along with heavy metal, this day would go down IN HISTORY.
Chocolate or white cake?
Chocolate.
Icing?
White.
Picture on it?
That's precisely when Xigbar had an evil idea. An awful idea. An ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE NAMINE CALIBER idea.
"Hey, man…"
The short teenage girl who looked like she fangirl at any moment stared at him.
He gulped.
"Um, so, do you think you could put a picture of this guy," Xigbar fished out a picture of Axel, in his wallet just for pranks, "And, uh, this…girl…" A picture of Roxas as well.
Dude, you've got some serious creeper issue.
"Sure!" she beamed, her strawberry blonde hair flipping. If this were an OC story, Xigbar would be thinking I wonder…she's so beautiful…how can I even bring myself to be in her mere PRESENCE? Sounding suspiciously like Twilight? Good job; you can make third-grade level connections no one else apparently can.
Instead, though, Xigbar retained his sanity and grimaced quietly. "They need to be kissing."
When she raised an eyebrow, he added, "It's their anniversary."
"How swweeeeeeet of you!" she laughed, obviously trying to flirt and doing a retardedly bad job of it.
"I hope you die." Xigbar muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Oh, okay!" she smiled. It was, granted, a cute smile, but not so cute as to outweigh her annoyingness.
She wore the typical edgy OC clothing (you know, the extremely hyper, "reluctant" ones with a "dark past"): tattered skinny jeans, some obscure band shirt, several scarves, goth loli gloves, and converse. Her hair was somehow perfectly done in purple spikes with green bits on the ends.
But enough of this excruciatingly boring stuff about some random, semi-retarded OC. Let's get back to Xiggy and the cake he's ordering.
"How much will that be?" he inquired.
"EMMM…XD" she clicked a couple of buttons while Xigbar wondered how she'd managed to say an emoticon. "$210.07"
"What the HEL-, oh whatever…" the surfer dude (lol) pulled out his wallet, and after depositing all of the cash (and several pounds of change) onto the table, the amount was paid for.
Most girls would be pissed at having to wait on some idiot customer to get his act together after an hour and three minutes, but not our precious OC. She was still in luuuuv.
"What's your name 33?" Xigbar would have to tell Saix about this chick and her ability to speak in emoticons. Hopefully there were some painful tests he could perform on her.
"Xigbar."
"You're one of the ORGY XIII MEMBERS LOLOL!" she beamed. "My name is Darkness Despair O'Ravensuki.
"That's…awesome?"
"Here's my phone number!1!111!"
Xigbar sighed and stuffed it into one of his many pockets.
"Can I just get the cake, lady?"
"Sure thing!" with a whisk of her perfect body (cough plastic surgery cough), she was out of the room.
"THANK THE LORD." Xigbar smiled, then frowned when another girl came up to the counter. This one, however, looked pretty mousey, with no boobs and semi-regular clothing (this is the World that Never Was, people). She had several small pimples, no glasses, and looked basically normal.
"Um. Sorry if Darkness was bothering you…she's…kind of crazy…"
"It's alright, kid." Xigbar needed to vent.
"Um, okay, w-well."
OH GOD ANNOYING OCS WHEN WILL THIS HORRIFIC THING END?
Xigbar had an idea. "Hey, is, uh, Shadow or whatever expendable?"
"I…guess? Her father owns the bakery or somethi-huh?"
Two guns at the ready, the pirate-y man barged into the back room where the cakes were being made. With a single shot, he killed the annoying girl, and, after thinking for a second, the stuttering one in the front. He then noticed his ready-prepared cake on the table. Geez, these guys were fast.
"Hmmm…" This was Demyx's district, or at least it used to be Demyx's district, so no trouble from him. He might get eye-raped by Saix, but that was a risk he was prepared to take. "Blam!"
"…what?" a random chef asked. As in, why are you shouting "blam!", strange man in a pirate costume?
"Blam." Xigbar shot all of them, yelling something unintellible.
"Excuse me, sir?"
Back to reality, hon.
Xigbar sighed and stared at the Mary-Sue. "Yeah, can it be delivered by tomorrow?"
She nodded and punched a few buttons.
Sigh…
㿢㿢㿢
㿢
Axel opened the door to the gummi ship with a resounding click, and motioned Roxas to get inside, which he did, albeit a bit grudgingly (Axel + closed spaces = rape kit).
Keys.
Ignition.
Blast off!
Roxas leaned over to check how fast they were going, and discovered, much to his chagrin, that the fuel was almost empty. "Oh…god."
"What?"
"When's the last time you smiled, Axel?" Roxas yelled, smiling as best he could.
"You were gone."
"Don't give me that crap, idiot. This is not an uke/seme fic where you're all cute and cuddly and cry…" he thought a moment, "…-y."
"Bu-bu-but…" Axel did the puppy face.
"Go away." Smiling pissed-off-ed-ly, Roxas glared outside the spaceship window, checking out the worlds. That one world where Sora & Co. completely jacked up, that other world Sora & Co. completely jacked up…
"How long until we're there?"
"Why would I know that?"
"Because you're DRIVING, MAYBE?"
"I lost my G.P.S."
"Then where the hell are we goi-…you have no idea where we are, do you…"
"Not…precisely…"
"Didn't memorize it?"
"I kind of hate you right now."
"Rest assured, the feeling is mutual."
A/N: Okay, this is a fanfiction I've been working on for pretty much evar, and it's sort of a musing kinda deal. I don't completely know where this is going, and I want to thank Those Lacking Spines and Kingdom Hearts: The Short and Honest Version(both probably better than this fanfiction so read them immediately!) for inspiring me to write this half rant, half actual plot, and all slash (although that's not supposed to be a major plot point). I have hella school, even though I go to a lovely charter one that doesn't pile on the homework, so hope for once a month updates. Or sporadic ones. Just don't give up; there is hope! BTW, if you like Goofy or Donald, get ready for bash mania!
