Prologue
She never really wanted to marry him. Louise had been friends with Brently Mallard for a long time, and she didn't want to ruin that. She never really wanted to marry him. She wanted to stay single, go to college, and pursue a career, while Brently wanted to settle down, have some kids, and make her happy. Her mother had been pressuring her to find a husband so she wouldn't end up an old spinster. Brently had asked her to marry him, but she declined. Her mother found many men that were prospective husbands for her, none of whom she really liked. Brently proposed again, and Louise declined. Many men later, Louise decided that if she had to get married she would marry Brently. He proposed again, and this time she accepted. At least she knew him, and how he was. She knew he wouldn't beat her like her Uncle Ray beat her Aunt, and he wouldn't stay out all night drinking like her father did. They were married, somewhat happily for a year, until Louise lost the baby. The doctor tried to cheer her, but told her that maybe it was for the best because of her heart problems. Before they were married Louise was diagnosed with a poor heart. She was upset, but she tried to use it as an excuse to keep from marrying. She didn't want to break his heart when she died. That was her excuse. She was upset when she lost the baby, but relieved to some degree. She wasn't ready for a child. She wasn't ready to be caged in by another person. She wanted to be free. She wanted to fly where she wanted to, just like the wild mallards that were all over the English countryside.
Brently 7:00am.
I kissed Louise gently on the cheek. I didn't want to wake her. I had another interview in Heathrow and I had to take the early train from our home in Windsor. It was for another attorney job in one of London's most prestigious law firms. Michael Watson had recommended me, he was a family friend for as long as I can remember, my father's close friend and associate since grade school. I had followed my father's footsteps and became an attorney, much like my son will if Louise and I ever decide to try again. The train was not scheduled to leave until 9:00am, but I decided to get breakfast at the inn before boarding, that way I didn't have to deal with finding a decent café in Heathrow. The interview wasn't until 12:00, but finding a cab or walking from the train would take a while. I walked into the inn, took a seat at one of the tables and browsed the menu. Lazy Lily's doesn't sound like a particularly appealing name for an inn, but I can guarantee it was quite a lovely place. Louise and I would have breakfast there during the summer, and spend the evenings there when we were tired of the flat. I decided to have the Belgian waffles, one of the waitresses brought me some tea, and I began to read the morning paper.
"Going to that interview, I see?" Victor Crane sat down across from me, and pulled the newspaper down along with him. He was a tall man, still somewhat young and playful for his age. He wasn't old, and in his mid-forties he was just a few years older than me. He had married Louise's sister Josephine a few years back. He is my closest friend, he knew everything, but I hadn't told him about the interview. I didn't want to jinx it.
"Yes, now if you don't mind, I'm doing research." I smiled. "Want anything?
"No, just thought I'd say hi. What kind of research?" He asked.
"Research on this company...I didn't tell you about the interview." I pulled the paper back, covering my face.
"I told you, I'm magical." He said, as always making some strange gesture with his hand. I glared at him and he laughed. "No, no. I called last night while you were out, asked Louise if you wanted to have lunch. She told me." The waitress had finally brought the waffles, and I took a few bites. Victor continued to talk, but I tuned him out and focused on the paper.
"..Fine." I said. It was the answer to any statement. I took a look at my watch. It was already 8:30. "You want the rest of these waffles?" I asked.
"You weren't listening to anything, were you?" He says.
"Magical...Louise told you...Josephine...baby. Yeah, yeah. I heard you. Want these waffles?" He shrugged and took the plate from in front of me. "I'm going to miss my train." I got up in a hurry and waved goodbye. It took twenty minutes to walk to the station, I almost ran. All I knew was I couldn't be late for this interview.
Louise 9:00am.
Brently was gone when I woke up. He had an interview in Heathrow. I wasn't too excited about it. I...I love him...but I don't want to move away just because of some job. I fixed myself breakfast, had a cup of tea. I looked out the bedroom window, staring at the people who could live their own lives. I'm envious. Here I am, watching them from a bedroom window. I'm trapped. The woman in the red dress must be going off to meet a date, even if it is this early in the morning. At least she can make her own decisions. She wasn't afraid to defy her family, or to disappoint an already disappointed mother. I put the cup down on the windowsill and went into the kitchen. He wanted me last night, so I complied and the dishes went unwashed. The dinner dishes and my breakfast dishes soaked in the sink. I turned on the radio, listening to Norah Jones's sweet voice.
When I saw the break of day/ I wished that I could fly away/ Instead of kneeling in the sand/ Catching teardrops in my hand...
I started to cry. I couldn't help it. Everyday was the same. Nothing ever changed. Brently would come home, we'd have dinner, spend the evening together. Once in a while we'd take a trip somewhere, or something. When I married him, I did it to make my mother happy. I didn't know it would make me miserable. Yes, he's my friend, but...but this isn't what I had planned for myself.
Brently 10:00am.
I missed my train. It started to rain, I didn't have an umbrella so I used the newspaper. In the rush to leave I had forgotten my hat at the inn. Victor would probably pick it up for me, and take it back to the flat. It wouldn't be out of his way because he wasn't working today. He'd take the hat to Louise, and explain to her how I was running late. I was going to be late to my interview. I silently cursed him, the weather too. This job meant everything. We could move to a better house; it'd be like starting over. Maybe we could finally have a baby, a little girl that looks just like Louise, or a son who looks just like me. I smiled out the window of the cab, thinking about how nice it would be to have a child. The weather was slowly getting worse.
Louise 11:30am.
I listened to the radio. They played more Norah Jones, and other slow and soft jazz that went with the gray weather. It was only making me more depressed. It had started to rain around 10:00, so I left the jazz on, lit a few candles and watched the weather from the window. Brently's interview started in an hour, and I prayed to God that he wouldn't get the job. I made another cup of tea and watched the passers by, still envious of their freedom despite the weather. I wanted to go out in the rain. I wanted to leave the flat and never come back. I wanted to disappear with the wind, meet another man...fall in love.
I didn't do anything. I just sat watching the gray outside my window.
Brently. 12:45pm.
"Have a seat, Mr. Mallard." Jonathan Lee shook my hand and showed me the seat across from his desk.
"Sorry I'm late. The train schedule got mixed up because of the weather, and finding a cab was hell." I smile.
"I see. Take a seat." He was a young man in his mid thirties. He had a very serious demeanor about him, but I could tell that he wasn't too disappointed that I was late. "Where are you from again?" He said staring at me a little harshly through his glasses.
"Windsor."
"Ah, Windsor." He smiles. "Finding a cab is hell around there." I could tell this was going to be a pleasant meeting.
Louise 1:30pm.
Brently should be in his interview by now, in fact it should be close to finishing. I was washing the dishes, lost in my own thoughts about how things could be. I had started writing stories, passing them off as a journal, so that Brently wouldn't get curious and try to read it. They were about women who made it, who made a better life. One was about a woman who killed her husband and ran off with his brother because she had really been in love with him all along. Another was set in the 1700's. She was a whore who fell in love with a pirate, they sailed and pillaged, until they were caught by the British royal navy. He was on the gallows, she hadn't been convicted because she was early on in her pregnancy, and she saved him. They ran away, changed their names and lived happily ever after. Too bad life doesn't have any happily ever afters. I was snapped out of my trance by the telephone ring. I dropped a dish, it fell to the floor in a loud crash. The sky had gotten grayer, I swear I could even hear thunder. "Hello?" I said quietly, my heart pounding wildly in my chest.
"Louise! Louise! You'll never guess what Becky did, she's just the cutest little thing...!"
"Josephine, you scared me half to death to talk to me about Becky?" I ask.
"Yes! I'm sorry. How's your heart?" She didn't let me answer. "Well anyways she..." I went back to washing dishes. "...so cute! And her little fingers..." I started banging on pots and pans.
"Josephine! Jo! I'm sorry! There's some static on the line! I'll have to call you back..." I hung up the phone. I didn't want to hear about her baby right now, so I left the phone off the hook.
Brently 3:00pm.
"I see no reason to continue this interview." Jonathan said, a little angrily standing up from his desk.
"...Mr. Lee, I thought it was...I thought..."
"You're hired." He smiled and extended his hand. I grabbed it and shook it.
"Oh thank you! Thank you!" I couldn't stop smiling. I shook his hand so hard I thought his arm would fall off. He gave me the details about when I would start, and I left the office. I went to the train station, but all the trains were still off schedule, something had happened, but no one would give me the details. It took another forty-five minutes to find a cab, and it would take another hour and a half to get back to Windsor. I hope Louise won't get too worried. I tried to call her, but the phone was busy.
Louise 4:15pm.
The weather, as I predicted, had turned from bad to worse. It was still only 4:00, but the sky was getting dark. It was odd, because at one point the gray turned to black, but the sky was not black. I stared out the kitchen window, and there was a knock on the door. I wanted to ignore it, but the banging continued, faster. "Coming!" I shouted. "Goodness." I muttered under my breath. I went to the door, and opened it. I almost screamed. Victor stood there looking like a ghost; he was pale and soaking wet. "Victor...?"
"I tried calling...the phone..." He said breathing heavily. Something was wrong. He could have passed for the grim reaper, or some other personification of death.
"Victor, Victor. Calm. Come sit down on the couch where it's..." I tried to lead him inside, but he wouldn't move.
"He's dead." He said in a low voice,
"What? Who?" I ask. "Victor say something!" He didn't, instead he just handed me a hat: Brently's hat. I took the hat, but I didn't make it to the couch. I fell back on the coffee table. "What? What happened?" I ask, trying to swallow, trying to catch my breath.
"His train...the weather, there was an accident..." He couldn't gather his thoughts, he looked as if, he himself, would start crying. "...Louise, I'm sorry..."
"I can't..." I said gasping. I was having an asthma attack. "...I...," I sat up, gulping down what little air I could. Victor ran into the bathroom and grabbed my inhaler out of the medicine cabinet. I took two puffs, I was trying to stop shaking and breathe again. Victor came behind me and supported my back, after a few minutes, I was fine again. "I'm going to go lie down..." I said. He nodded.
"I called Josephine, she's going to leave Becky with the nanny." I nodded and went into the bedroom. I locked the door behind me. I lied back on the bed and wiped my tears. I stared up at the ceiling. He's gone. I can't believe he's gone.
Brently 4:45pm.
Driving home, there was a big crowd on the road. "Slow down." The driver listened, and I rolled down the window. "Hey! You!" I pointed to some man in the crowd he turned around and looked at me, then went back to trying to push through the crowd. "Hey!"
"What?" He shouted back.
"What's all this?" I asked.
"The 9:00 train from Windsor crashed. You haven't heard about it?" Shouted back at me as if I was stupid.
"Oh god." I breathed. "Drive!" I shouted to the cab driver. If Louise knew, she'd have a heart attack. "Drive as fast as you can!" I didn't want to loose her.
Louise 4:45pm.
Josephine had come to the flat, just like Victor had said. I heard them talking for a while, but I couldn't pick out any words. "Free." I whispered. "I'm finally free." I almost smiled. "No more...I'm free." I heard them talking for a while, and finally there was pounding on the bedroom door.
"Louise, open the door! Please! I don't want you to...don't get too hysterical, I don't want to loose you too!" she shouted, pounding on the door.
"I'm fine." I sobbed, out of sheer happiness. "Really, go away."
"Louise!" she shouted, banging on the door.
"Josephine, leave her alone!" Victor shouted, but I couldn't hear their argument.
"Free...I'm finally free..." I smiled.
Brently 5:10pm.
I gave the cab driver all the money I had. He had sped his way through the rest of the crowds, through the traffic, and onto Windsor. I had him stop the car. I couldn't wait for him to drive the rest of the way to the flat, about a block away I paid him, and ran in the rain to get home to Louise, my love, and tell her that I was okay.
Louise 5:13pm.
There was a huge commotion in the living room, I didn't know what it was because I still had the door closed.
Brently 5:15pm.
I used the keys to open the door to the flat. Victor and Josephine were there crying. "Oh god..." I said. Louise is gone. They looked up, Josephine screamed.
"But you're...!" She screamed, and came towards me. "...you're dead!" She grabbed onto me, sobs wracking her body.
"Shh...no. I was late and missed the train. I took a cab. Shh...where's Louise?" I asked. Please let her still be alive.
"She's in the bedroom." Victor said, and took Josephine in his arms. I jiggled the handle to the door a few times, and it opened. Louise had always complained that we needed to get it fixed. She was standing near the window, looking out at the sky. "Louise..." She turned around, saw me and screamed. "Louise!" I couldn't catch her. She fainted and hit the floor.
Louise 5:30pm.
I woke up in bed, in the arms of a ghost. I tried to scream again, but he kissed my forehead. "Shh, love. It's okay." He whispered. "I'm here. Shh..."
"But you..." This isn't happening. This isn't happening to me.
"No." He shook his head. "I was in a cab. Shh..." I started to cry. "...love, it's okay." he tried to comfort me, but he would never understand. He could never understand what I had been through, what I thought I had, and what I would never be.
Brently 9:00pm.
Victor and Josephine had left soon after they knew that Louise would be okay after having fainted. Louise couldn't stop crying. She had a few asthma attacks, I calmed her down. She was okay. She was going to be okay. With this new job we could start over, and we could pretend that this day never happened.
Louise 1:00am.
Brently fell asleep beside me early, but I couldn't. I couldn't live my life like this anymore. I slowly got out of bed so I wouldn't wake him. "Love, where are you going?" He moaned in his sleep.
"Shh. I need my inhaler again." I lied.
"Okay." He said, and was quickly snoring again. I went into the bathroom, took a deep breath and opened the medicine cabinet. I had taken a piece of paper and written a note earlier while Brently was taking a shower. I took a deep breath and filled a glass with water. I reached for the bottle, and closed the cabinet.
Warning: Take as directed by your doctor or physician. Do not exceed more than four pills in twenty four hours.
I pushed down, completely breaking the child safety seal. I poured the little green and white heart pills into my hand, and reached for the note in my pocket. I held it up to the light and kissed it. I reached for the glass of water, and sighed. I pretended that they were M&M's I couldn't chew, and I swallowed them all. I put the note back in my pocket, turned out the light and went to bed for the last time.
Epilogue.
Louise Mallard's body was discovered the next morning by her husband. The coroner performed the autopsy, thoroughly examined the body for any signs of foul play: there were none. He found a note in the pocket of her nightgown.
I thought I was free. I only wanted to be free. Don't break his heart. Please tell him that I died of joy, and my last thoughts were of his homecoming. Don't break his heart.
After performing the autopsy, he had discovered the twenty seven heart pills in her stomach. That is what killed her, not a broken heart, not poisoned food, not exceeding joy. Louise Mallard had killed herself.
"Mr. Mallard." The coroner came into the waiting room, the solemn faces of Brently, Victor, Josephine and the sleeping Becky were the only ones to greet him. "She didn't go through any pain." He told them. "She died quietly in her sleep. I'm so sorry for your loss." Brently nodded, and tried to keep from crying. "Her heart gave out...she was so happy to see you." The coroner had no idea why he was lying for a dead woman, but he knew freedom. He knew that Louise Mallard would never be free, in this life or the next, if he did not tell her husband that she died of joy. He lied to give a dying woman her peace. He lied in order to let Louise Mallard finally fly away free.
