God save the queen
Chapter 1
"What do you think would happen if we ever met our Somebodies?" Roxas said to his boyfriend, Axel.
"Can I set mine on fire?" the redheaded pyromaniac asked with a hopeful expression.
"NO!" Roxas said angrily. "How many times do I have to tell you? The only things you can set on fire are candles, logs and Marluxia's flowers."
"But Roxas," Axel complained. "That is so boring. I…"
"QUIET EVERYONE!"
Everyone's heads turned to towards the end of the room, where the queen, Luxord, was seated on his throne. It was quite funny how most of the world thought Elizabeth II was the queen of Britain, and that Buckingham Palace was the royal palace, when the queen was in fact Luxord, and the royal residence was Castle Oblivion.
"Good morning, servants," the queen said.
"Good morning, queen Luxord," the servants replied in unison and curtsied.
"How are you all feeling today?" every morning the queen would ask that question, before pointing at every servant, one by one, and the person pointed at would tell him how he felt.
This is what the servants told him:
Zexion: "You ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed."
Demyx: "A bit ditzy, your highness."
Mansex: "Like a woman." The silver-haired transsexual adjusted his ornate pink dress.
Larxene: "Angry, you highness. Marluxia tried to give me flowers again."
Marluxia: "Dejected because my girlfriend doesn't want my flowers." Flowers were one of the many recurring themes of Larxene and Marluxia's arguments.
Sïax: "Fine."
Vexen: "Fine."
Larxaeus: "Fine."
Xaldin: "Confused. What day is it?"
Xigbar: "Horny."
Axel: "I want to set something on fire."
Roxas: "A bit nauseous, you highness, but otherwise fine." Unconsciously he put a hand on his stomach. He smiled to himself when he thought about his little secret.
Tidus: "I feel like I'd rather be playing blitzball than standing here." The blonde had a tendency to speak without thinking, and he should be very grateful that queen Luxord was not easily offended.
Fuu and Pence: "In love."
Selphie: "Happy."
Rikku: "Currently quite happy, but my need for sugar is growing rapidly."
Yuffie: "Like I want to kick someone's butt." Yuffie was even worse than Tidus when it came to watching her mouth.
Seifer: "I'm good."
Hayner: "In bed?" he raised an eyebrow at Seifer. "Anyway, I'm happy. A bit sore though. What can I say? Seifer and I didn't get much sleep last night."
The rest of the servants laughed at Hayner's remark. Even the queen snickered a bit before pointing at the next person.
Riku: "You're pointing at me. Huh? Oh, right. That means I have to answer something. You've asked a question, haven't you?" The boy giggled a bit. He was obviously about as high as the top floor of the Empire State Building. Queen Luxord told him what the question was. "Oh," Riku said. "In that case, I feel… I feel… Um, what was the question again?"
Sora: "Don't care about Riku, he's been smoking. You should, however, care about me, because I am very, very, very, very, very hungry."
Reno: "I feel very eager to see what this new day will bring." A few people snickered.
Cloud: "Not much. A bit worried."
Leon: "Don't want to talk about it."
Vincent Valentine: "To be honest, your majesty, I feel quite amused."
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I can't believe I've actually started writing a crack fic. It's fun, though. This story will have no plot whatsoever, but lots of insanely silly and pointless situations. Next chapter will be a lot longer, I think.
To clear up a few things: Mansex is Xemnas if there was anyone who didn't understand that (I love anagrams. I'm going to write a Tidus/Selphie story called "stupid headlines" because that is an anagram for "Tidus and Selphie"). Luxord is not a woman, even though he is the queen. The only people who will show up in this story apart from the queen and his servants are Kairi and Rinoa (OMG, I can't wait to start bashing them. I might even let them die a slow and painful death. Or maybe they should just fall of a cliff). I will insist on writing "Vincent Valentine" instead of just "Vincent", I don't know why. I realize that it is strange that Roxas talks about what if they met their somebodies when he and Sora live in the same castle, but he doesn't know that Sora is his somebody. Reno is Axel's somebody, by the way. Yep, I snuck in a little quote from Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. I thought that since Zexion is everyone's favorite little emo-kid, he has to act depressed, and who better to imitate than Marvin? Marluxia is a girl. She's not a transsexual like Mansex, she's a girl. Her and Larxy are lesbians, and Larxy's the butch. Fuu and Pence are a couple. WTF? I know, it's so weird it's almost a bit scary, but I wanted one really, really absurd pairing, as this story contains many of my favorite couples, couples that aren't really unusual at all. Sora is always hungry. He, Selphie, Yuffie, Rikku, Hayner and Tidus are the most sugar-high group of best friends EVER. Leon and Cloud are ANGsty with a capital "ANG". Riku smokes a lot. Crack, pot, opium, socks, Marluxia's flowers, whatever.
Cookies for anyone who can guess what Roxas' secret is!!!
