Disclaimer:
We only lay claim to the little Weasleys and Delaney (although we could probably only handle her in small doses). Everyone else belongs to the inimitable JK Rowling. And now on with the show….****************************************
Once There Was A Way
By ScarlettBelladonna and Portia
****************************************
Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
– Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant) in Arsenic and Old Lace
Chapter One: Hiccoughs and Bootprints
"Toad, try holding your breath," suggested Harry.
In the pandemonium that was a Weasley Sunday Dinner small things tended to be overlooked. A case of the hiccoughs was not enough to distract Hermione Granger-Weasley from the in-depth discussion of Mermish civil rights she was having with her brother-in-law Percy. And so it was not surprising that only Harry had noticed his nephew's diaphragmatic distress. However, the use of what Hermione considered a repugnant nickname caused her to stop in mid-sentence and redirect her attention.
"What have I told you about calling him that? His name is Harry," Hermione said in a resigned tone. She had long since given up on the battle to get her best friend to call her son by his proper name.
"Mum *hic* I like *hic* when Uncle *hic* Harry calls *hic* me Toad."
"Not the point, Harry, love. Your father and I named you after our dearest friend. You would think that he would be honored. But no, not the great Harry Potter. He insists on calling his namesake 'Toad.' But do try holding your breath."
There was a long silence as the family watched Harry Weasley slowly turn blue. There was a collective sigh of relief when he finally released his breath.
*hic*
"Katie and I could take him out back and hang him upside down from our broomsticks," suggested Alicia.
"Yeah," Katie enthusiastically agreed, "It always works with Fred and George."
"I hate to have to remind you, but my son is much less resilient than my brothers. Last time you two took him up it took Ginny several hours to put him back together again."
Ron thought he heard Katie mutter "worrywart," but chose to ignore it.
"Quite right," quipped Percy, "The last thing we need is---Ack!" Percy jumped in response to a large explosion under his chair. "Merlin's beard! What was that!"
At the other side of the table Percy's twin brothers were congratulating his twin sons.
"That was great," roared Fred.
"I haven't seen Percy jump that high in years," observed George, "I didn't know he still had it in him."
"William and Andrew Weasley! How many times do I have to tell you? No blowing up Dad's chair at the dinner table," Penny scolded.
"But Mum," began Drew.
"We were just trying to scare away Harry's hiccoughs," finished Will.
"Don't blame them, Penny," interjected George.
"We would have done it ourselves, but they beat us to it," Fred added, winking at his nephews.
*hic*
Suggestions flew fast and furiously around the dinner table from that moment on.
"Try swallowing a spoon full of sugar, sweetpea," suggested Molly Weasley.
*hic*
"Drink from the far side of this glass of water," instructed Arthur.
*hic*
"I've always found a good, stiff shot of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey to be helpful," offered Charlie.
Hermione glared at her brother-in-law. "Charlie! He's six years old!"
*hic*
"Eat this," Bill handed Harry a slice of lemon.
Harry took a bite and promptly spit it out. "Ew! What is that?!"
"Lemon and bitters. It never fails."
*hic*
"Hiccoughs are merely a disturbance of the aura. If we all concentrate on sending young Harry feelings of peace and tranquility we should be able to still the ripples in his karmic force."
Every head in the room turned towards Bill's wife Delaney.
Hermione just rolled her eyes. "Why don't we ask Ginny what she thinks?"
"I was wondering when you would give up on the old witches tales and ask the healer in the family." Ginny pulled her wand out of her robes and pointed it at Harry, "Now then - spasticus nuncus."
*hic*
"That's odd," Ginny said, "I think I'm losing my touch."
*hic*
"Yeah Auntie Ginny, I think you need to go back to Hogwarts," commented Will.
"We still have scales on our backs from yesterday," Drew stated.
"Scales? How did you two manage to get scales on your backs?" asked Charlie.
"We didn't do anything, they just showed up," answered Drew.
Penny rounded on Fred and George. "I've been meaning to ask you two what you did to my sons to cover them in scales."
"We didn't do it," replied Fred. "Although I wish we had," he continued thoughtfully.
"Yeah," agreed George, "We've been trying to manufacture realistic Welsh Green Pasties for years."
"Will you two trouble makers let me take a look at those scales?" asked Charlie.
Will and Drew obligingly pulled down the necks of their robes to show their Uncle.
"I don't see anything."
"Have they finally disappeared, then," questioned Percy, "It's about time."
*hic*
Ginny glared at Ron. "Only your son could come down with magic-proof hiccoughs!"
Hermione laughed at her sister-in-law's frustration. "Don't worry about it, Gin. I'm sure they'll go away on their own. You know better than I that Weasley boys have a knack for getting themselves into trouble."
"Hey," protested Ron, "What have I ever done."
"Need I remind you, darling, of all the nights you spent cleaning the Hogwarts trophies?"
"Need I remind you, dearest, that you had your first detention long before I ever had mine?"
"Speaking of which," Bill interrupted, eager to prevent one of Hermione and Ron's famous squabbles. "Did I tell you all that Phoenix may have set a new Weasley record? It took him almost a year and a half to get his first detention."
"I never…" began Percy.
George cut him off. "You don't count."
Percy sputtered indignantly at his brother's dismissal. But no one was interested in Percy when there was detention to discuss.
"Dare I ask what my oldest grandchild has gotten himself into," inquired Arthur, with a twinkle in his eye. "I want to know if Molly is going to have to start stocking up on Howlers again."
"Honestly, Arthur, you're as bad as the children. Detention is not a laughing matter. The way you all carry on you would think you were competing for the Detention World Cup!"
"Mum," laughed Ginny, "You know an all Weasley Team would have easily won the Detention World Cup. In any given year, Weasleys managed to wrack up more detentions than the rest of Hogwarts combined – and that's before you count our spouses."
"So what did he do?" asked Fred. "Blow up a toilet?"
"Hex Mrs. Norris?" George added hopefully.
"Unfortunately," Bill sighed, "it was nothing as creative as that. Filch got him for dripping mud in the corridor."
"Filch must be getting nastier in his old age," wondered Harry. "I made a mess of the corridors on a regular basis and never got a detention for it."
"Phoenix swears he wasn't muddy when he came in from Herbology, but there were Phoenix-sized bootprints all over the hall. He thought we'd be upset, but really I'm just glad we don't have another Percy on our hands."
"As the only member of this family to NEVER get a detention, I take great offence to that comment, Bill."
"I hoped you would, Perce."
*hic*
In the excitement over the first Weasley detention in almost a decade, the family had entirely forgotten about Harry's hiccoughs. The reminder sent them all into gales of laughter.
"It isn't *hic* funny."
"Of course not, love," cooed Molly. "Why don't you and your cousins go in the other room while I clear the table. I'll call you when dessert is ready."
The promise of dessert combined with the chance to get out of cleaning up caused eight little Weasleys to scamper into the living room of the Burrow.
Ginny handed Harry their baby daughter. "Why don't you and Lily go into the other room and keep an eye on things. Tell them a story. We all know that's about the only thing that can get them all to sit still and stop trying to magic each other. It's seems to me that there have been enough accidental curses in this family in the last few days."
No sooner had the words left her mouth than two little redheaded girls wandered into the dining room.
"Mummy, daddy," Georgia Weasley tugged on Fred and Alicia's robes, "My ears are itchy."
"And Daddy, my nose tickles," Winifred said, climbing into George's lap.
"Ginny, will you come and look at this," Alicia asked. "Georgie's ears are covered in fur."
"And Freddy seems to have sprouted whiskers," observed Katie.
"Even for Weasleys this is excessive," muttered Ginny as she went to attend to her fuzzy nieces.
Authors' Note
: We solemnly swear *hic* that the rest of this story will be hiccough free. Stay tuned for Chapter 2 in which the plot promises to make an appearance. We've actually already outlined the whole story, so don't be afraid of chapter after chapter of Weasley family patter, there will be mystery and the tiniest bit of action. Eventually there will even be a villain in a special guest role.Delaney says
