Kenny's Girlfriend

By E.L.F

A/N: I'd like to thank my sister AthEnA1999 for helping me to write this!

This is a story about a little 8-year old boy named Kenny McCormick. Kenny lives in South Park, Colorado, is poor, always makes wise-cracks, gets killed almost all the time, and he always wears a hood on his head and never, NEVER takes it off. This is all you need to know about this peculiar kid for now. Now, to the story. This isn't any normal story. Nuh-uh. This is—er, was a story about true love. To understand what is going on, we'll need to go back about two weeks…


Chapter 1

"…and that children is why the 5th season of Night Court was lame," said Mr. Garrison, the third grade teacher at South Park Elementary. "Now, are they any questions?"

All the kids were dumbstruck. None of them knew what was going on. Then, Stan, the only normal kid in all of South Park, raised his hand.

"Yes, Stan?" asked Mr. Garrison.

"Dude, what does this have to do with President Lincoln's asassination?" asked Stan.

"If you shut the HELL up, I'll tell you!" shouted Mr. Hat, Mr. Garrison's puppet.

"Now, Mr. Hat, that is not how I treat my students. Okay, children. Open your history books to page 128--"

"Excuse me, sir," said Pip, the little English boy who always gets made fun of (and is mistaken for being French.) "Aren't we supposed to do our book reports?" Everyone else groaned.

"Thank you, Pip. I almost forgot. Let's see…who should go first, Mr. Hat?"

"How about that little fat kid over there," said Mr. Hat.

"HEY!" said the little fat kid known as Eric Cartman.

"Come on, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "Or did you not do your book report…again?"

"I did it," said Cartman. He pulled a random book and "report" out of his desk and got out. On his way up to the front, he mumbled, "stupid frenchie" and kicked Pip's legs.

"Okay," he started. "The name of the book I read is called…uh…" He glanced down at his book. " 'The Tell-Tall Heart' by Thomas Ediso—uh, I mean Edgar Allen Poe. glances at book It's about these guys who…look at the floor, and this one guy says 'Hey! What're ya doing?' and the other guy goes 'I'm lookin' at a floor because I feel like it.' And the other guys are like 'Dude, this is weak.' Suuuh, on the Cartman Scale of Books, I give this book an eight an' a half on a scale of one to… ten. Any questions?"

Everyone raised their hands.

"No? Okay," said Cartman. Just as he was about to leave…

"Not so fast, Eric," said Mr. Garrison. "Did you actually read the book?"

"Mr. Garrison, I am shocked! Why would you accuse me of not readin' a book?" lied Cartman.

"Well," started Mr. Garrison, "do you know why the guy was looking at the floor?"

"Uh…uh…because there was punch and pie underneath it?"

"HE DIDN'T READ THE FING BOOK!" shouted Mr. Hat.

"I agree, Mr. Hat," said Mr. Garrison. "Eric, I'll see you after class."


"Dude, what happened?" asked Kyle, the only Jewish boy in town (excluding his little brother Ike)

" None of your business, Jewhead," said Cartman. "But if you must know, Mr. Garrison said that I have to actually read a book for a book report. How the hell did he know?"

"Dude, you've had a really long history of not doing any report," said Kenny, the little poor boy in South Park who always gets killed.

"No, I don't! But Mr. Garrison said if I don't read another book by next Friday, I'll have to work in…the LIBRARY!"

The others just stared at the fat kid. "That doesn't sound so bad," said Stan.

"Oh, that's what they want you ta think, but the librarian's really a…cannonball!" said Cartman.

"Cannibal," corrected Kyle.

"Nuh-uh, I mean 'cannonball.' When you get really loud, she stuffs herself into a cannon and fires herself at you!"

" Mmmmph…mmh mhrr mph!" joked Kenny. Nothing was understood from above the hood.

"I don't think a cat can do that," said Stan

"Anyway, I'd better be getting' home, and you'll wish me luck." cartman started walking towards home to get a big bag of Cheesy Poofs until he looks back at the three boys. They didn't say a word.

"Well?" whined the fat boy.

Sielnce.

"So, you don't give a rat's ass about me an' if the librarian shoots herself out of a cannon and kills me? Well, screw you guys…I'm going home."

When Cartman got home, his mom greeted him with a hug and a kiss.

"Hello, sweetie," she said in her always sweet voice. "I brought my little man some Cheesy Poofs."

"GIMME!" shouted Cartman as he snatched the bag out of her hands, opened it, and chowed down on the snack inside.

After watching another episode of "Terrance and Phillip," Cartman went into the other room and asked his mom, "Meeeeeehm?"

"Yes, Eric?" she asked.

"Meeeehm, can I go to the library?"

"Why, sweetie? You're already smart."

"No. I need anothah book for my book report."

"I thought you already did a book report."

"I did, but Mr. Garrison said I have to read another book because mine wasn't good enough."

"What? Well, I'll have a little talk with Mr. Garrison." When Cartman went back into the other room, his cat Mr. Kitty rubbed up against his legs.

"Meow meow," purred Mr. Kitty.

"DAMMIT, MR. KITTY! GET OFF MY LEG!" screamed Cartman. He kicked Mr. Kitty across the room.

"Eric, sweetie, could you please use your inside voice?" asked his mom. "Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison. This is Liane Cartman. I wanted to talk to you abou—(pause) Yes, I want to kn—(pause) That's not possible because I saw him do it. (long pause) Now you listen the f up! My fing son did the fing report, so you just stay the f out of this! (very long pause) Oh, really? (pause) Oh, I'm sorry, Herb. Yes, I'll tell him. Bu-bye." She hung up the phone and called her son into the other room. "Eric?"

"Yes, meeeeeehm?"

"I've worked out a compromise with Mr. Garrison. If you read a book fully through, you won't have to work in the library."

"Whew," sighed Cartman.

"But, if you don't complete it, something worse will happen."

"But, MEEEEEEEEEHM!" whined the little fat kid.

"Sorry, hon," said his mom. " but this is the only way I can get you to become successful. You want to be successful, right?"

"I guess so," sighed Cartman.


"Okay, Kenny," said Cartman the next day at the bus stop. "I'll trade you my 'Terrance farting in Potato Chips' card for your '1986 Special Edition Philip's Farting Chrysler."

"No way, fatass. This card belongs to my brother. He'd kill me if something happened to it," said Kenny.

"Hey! Don't you call me fatass!" screamed Cartman. "Now gim-may that card!" They both fought over the card until… RRRRRRRRRIP!

"Oh my God! You killed my brother's card, you bastard!" muffled Kenny.

"You're the bastard!" screamed Cartman. Kenny jumped onto the fatty's stomach, but he bounced off. They both got back into a huge fight until someone new came up to them.

"Um, excuse me," asked a sweet girl's voice.

Kenny stopped. Cartman kicked him in the legs. He screamed under his hood. He looked up at the girl. She was wearing a turqouise jacket, pink gloves, boots, and a bow in her long, blonde hair. "Is this the bus to South Park Elementary?"

"…ubba…mubba-bubba…ergunga…" stuttered Kenny.

"Hey, guys," said Kyle as he and Stan came up to the bus stop. "What are you looking at Kenny?"

"Huh?" muffled Kenny. He looked back, but the mystery girl was gone. Who was she? Was she real, or just a figment of his imagination?

"C'mon, dude," said Stan. "Here comes the bus." The bus pulled into the bus stop, and the four boys went on and rode to school.

To Be Continued…