Title: Fixing the Damage

Author: Shadowkat83

Rating: R (some strong violence)

Summery: Harper looses control over an old friend.

Fixing damage. That's all I'm good for here. They are so quick to tell me to shut up, or to neglect my needs. So quick to overlook me or disregard my suggestions until something needs to be fixed. I throw my tools down in frustration and the loud echoing sound they make seems to make me feel a little better. The frustration I feel right now is something that I have had to deal with more and more lately. I feel like I'm falling apart. Fixing the same conduits and circuits for a ship full of people who would toss me to the waste side if given the chance. It doesn't matter how many times Dylan says good job. I know I'm just a little mudfoot to him. I'm just a temporary fix-it man for his ship. I know he can't wait to get rid of me and get a "real" engineer from his precious Common Wealth. And Tyr...I don't even have to explain that. He's a Niet and I'm a kludge...end of story. Trance, Rev, Beka...they all have their own goal and reason for moving forward. They all have reasons for living. Unfortunately I don't. I've been struggling so hard to survive and for what? So I can be the dumb little kludge everywhere I go? So I can be treated like a pet instead of a person? I slam my fists against the conduit and it fizzles out adding to my growing rage. Running my hands through my hair I curse the day I arrived on this god-forsaken ship.

"Your suppose to fix the ship boy. Not break it." Came a voice from behind me. I knew exactly who it was. My shoulders tightened and my fists balled up and it felt like something in my head detached and entered my blood stream. It felt like something hot and caustic was flowing through my veins. I hadn't felt this in years.

"Tyr I don't wanna talk to you right now" I said through clinched teeth. I knew he hadn't done anything to me but all I could see was red. He stood there oozing his testosterone and sporting his usual cocky smile. I couldn't stand it...He seemed so stable and sure of himself, everything I was lacking. He didn't deserve to have purpose. I've been struggling all my life and I can't find a reason to take my next breath, while he stands there with confidence. I could hear him stepping closer. The sound of his leather pants crackling and his boots hitting the ground was amazingly loud. It felt like he was mocking me. Strolling along filling the room with his superiority.

"Tyr! just leave. I'm warning you!" I said almost yelling it. I could hear him snicker behind me. He didn't understand that I was trying not to hurt him...Trying not to let all this go.

"What are you gonna do?" He said in his usually stoic yet amused tone. It was the last straw. What ever was holding me together snapped and I felt a sharp surge in my neck. I had to take him down. Remove the sly smile from his face. I had to make sure he would take me seriously next time I opened my mouth. I turned around and he flinched. The look he gave me was so familiar. I had seen it so many times on earth. His eyes searched mine and then he opened his mouth with hesitation.

"Har..harper..?" I didn't let him finish, with all my might I punched him. I gritted my teeth and sent blow after blow hitting the dazed and surprised neit in his face. I begun to zone out. The red turning into a long tunnel. The light at the end getting smaller and smaller. I could hear myself talking but knew that I had never thought or intended to say those things. It all felt surreal, like I was watching this all happen from afar.

"Are you smiling now!" I screamed. Was it me? Did I say that? He regained his composure and struck out but missed me.

"Everyone thinks I can't fight! They think I'm weak, but I'll show you!!" All I could think about is the story of David and Goliath. My mom use to read it to me when I was younger. I was David taking this giant down.

"What's going on in here!" Dylan said walking in the room angry as ever. Tyr diverted his attention and I took advantage. I wasn't ready for this fight to end, Something in me wouldn't let this fight end. I kicked him in his stomach and when he doubled over I hit him in the base of his neck. He fell to the ground and with all my strength I stomped down on his dreaded bone spurs snapping two of them in half. My breathing was ragged as I stood over the huge giant, Tyr anasazi. The big bad niet with all the charisma, all the overbearing conceit. He was finally taken down by me! A stupid kludge! Who's equal now! Someone grabbed me from behind and I didn't even attempt to struggle. I had done what I had needed to do, What...he had wanted to do. I had finished what I had started. Tyr would never second- guess me again.

"Trance...Report to the engine room." Dylan said eyeing me angrily.

"What the hell was that about Harper!" He yelled.

"I'm just tired Dylan! I'm tired of playing the happy little push over! I'm not the mat for you guys to walk all over...I refuse to be taken advantage of! I said poking Dylan in the chest. But it wasn't me. I watched as Trance scurried in the room and over to the unconscious Kodiak.

"Tyr just learned that lesson." I said before storming off to my room. I could hear Dylan yelling after me. Something about being confined to quarters but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn.

3 Hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard a knock on my door and I quickly wiped my face. I knew exactly what was wrong with me and I knew that Beka would know too. I had hoped this day would never come but hear it is.

"Harper...please let me in." Beka said through the door. Her voice was pleasant and even though I had a feeling of dread tugging at my mind and heart I let her in anyway. She stepped in and let the door close behind her. She stood silently in my dark room just staring at me. I felt like I fool. I didn't know whether she looked disappointed in me or if it was my mind playing tricks on me.

"I'm sorry beka." I said. The tears started to stream down my face. Tears of frustration and fear. Under normal circumstances I would have never hit Tyr. I would never hit any member of this crew. Beka stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me.

"Is it what you told me might happen if your data port started to malfunction?" She whispered. I shook my head and she breathed in deeply. I felt like a 3-year-old. I sunk into her and found it ironic how I had lumped her with the rest when I was mentally badmouthing the crew when she is the only person with me right now when I'm at my lowest. She is the only person I could trust with my secret. She has always cared for me.

"I just lost control. I couldn't stop it." I said frantically. She rubbed my back, which soothed me.

"I know Harper. We have to get you to a doc." She said hesitantly. She was afraid to upset me. Afraid of what I might do.

"I know but the Maru is down. we'll go after I fix it." I said quietly. I lightly touched my data port. I had almost forgotten about the real reason I had gotten this cold metal attached to my brain and neck.

"Do you really wanna wait? You really scared Tyr and Dylan back there. Even Trance is scared." Beka said wrenching me away from reminiscing. I frowned and looked down. I was shirtless, wearing only my pajama bottom. I looked across the room at my reflection in the mirror. That was me standing there...Seamus Z Harper but I knew without help it wouldn't stay that way.

"I know but we don't have any choice. The slipfighters are down and so is the Maru. The only other option is to take the Andromeda...Oh no Beka!" I said realizing what she was getting at. It took me years to tell Beka. It took years and a lot of trust. I just can't tell anyone else and Beka knew that I would have to tell Dylan why we were gonna throw all caution to the wind so I can see a doc. I could feel a little pinch at the back of my neck and compounding rage. Beka's face shifted to this awful face that was filled with worry...the same face Tyr had given me in the engine room. Just before I had lost all control.

"Harper! Harper! Calm down!" Beka shouted...But I couldn't control myself. I was running on autopilot. I picked up the closest thing to me and threw it. She ducked just in time and watched it shatter against the far wall.

"Noooo! Noooo! Just...just leave me alone!" I said. My voice wavered with fear and mental exhaustion.

"You know I can't do that. I care to much." She said stepping forward. The rage continued to grow and everything was starting to go black. I had tunnel vision and I knew that if I completely blacked out I couldn't be held accountable for my actions. I flashed back to earth. I saw all those times when people were ready to kill me for things I didn't even remember doing. Mobs and hordes of people being held back by my parents pleads.

"No! no you don't! you don't care at all!" I shouted. Deep in my heart I knew that wasn't the truth but I couldn't speak. It felt like I was looking through eyeholes in a sheet. Beka kept getting closer. I wanted her to run but I couldn't tell her. I could feel myself pacing, and ranting.

"Harper you know I care. I've never let you down and I don't plan on letting you down anytime in the future." She said laying a hand on my shoulder. I screamed out but she couldn't hear me. It never escaped the lips of...him. I remember him so well. My imaginary friend gone bad...my life gone bad. He started out so innocent, popping up when I needed him, like when I was afraid of the dark or afraid of the slumgangs. I thought it was normal, a boy and his imaginary friend, until I couldn't get rid of him...Until he started taking over.

"We have to get you to a doc...look at yourself! You don't wanna be like this do you?" Beka continued. She pointed to the mirror. I gasped internally, staring at the rage creased face that stared back at me.

"Come on Harper...you trusted me enough to tell me...trust me enough to have your best interest at heart." She wrapped her arms around me and slowly guided me to the floor. Hesitantly my body followed. My breathing calmed and the tunnel became wider and wider until I had full control over my own body.

"Will you please let me tell Dylan so we can go see the doc right away?" She said rocking me back and forth. She was so loving.

"Ok" I whispered back.