((Chapter heading is a Lacuna Coil song.

I call whatever you play with Cullen and whatever stands around in the apprentice quarters in the tower in DA:O chess for lack of another term.))


Chapter 1

Against You

'You fail me. Every day, in everything you do, you keep on failing me.'

The words hat gone through Dorian's soul like a sword. He had run through the streets, run away like a child, until he had stopped with wet cheeks at the house of the other man. He had raised his hands to knock, but caught himself. He was acting like a child. Once again, he was twelve years old, and was getting a talking to because he had stepped in between himself and the whipping boy. His mother, the Maker keep her soul, had commended him, but oh, how his father had raged. It didn't befit him to be beaten – to which Dorian had replied, 'So don't.' It hadn't helped. It had ended up with the whipping boy getting a beating and Dorian running away in a fit of mindless rage and fear and … something he couldn't name then. Now he knew what it was. Futility. A deep, profound sense of futility. That, back then, had been the first time he'd felt it. It had returned full force when his mother had passed away only a year later, her life taken by some horrible, violent, fast disease she'd contracted from a small injury. His father hadn't even pretended to mourn.

'Dorian?' He blinked and looked into the concerned face of Felix Alexius. How long he had stood in the doorway Dorian wasn't certain. He wiped over his face – too late. Judging by his friend's expression, it was clear that his composure was non-existence.

'I … should go. It's nothing.' Dorian wanted to turn and leave, but Felix caught him with a hand on his arm.

'It doesn't look like nothing. Come on in. Father's at one of Arion's dratted parties, I told him I'm not feeling up to it.' He tilted his head. 'Shouldn't you be there, too?'

'I … ah, didn't feel up to it, either.' He followed Felix inside, into the familiar manor. It looked very different to the Pavus estate, warmer, less marble, more drapes. Like Gereon Alexius was a much warmer person. No, this wasn't a wise thing to think about. Not right now. 'Considering the company that Arion keeps … and considering that he nearly wet himself with excitement if the official letter inviting us is any indication … I'd be better off hiding in the stables. I know that this twisted creature Danarius is there, and that alone is a reason to stay away.'

'Eurgh. The thought of that one can reduce anyone to tears, and since he came back from the south he's been especially distasteful. But I don't think that's it. Spit letters, Dorian.'

'Excuse me?'

Felix grinned. 'Your guy from the Anderfels keeps saying that. Heriwald?'

'Heribert.'

'Yeah, that's the one.'

Dorian smiled. 'Well, I'll … spit letters, then. I followed your advice. After the … fifteenth bride I rejected. Or so. I stopped counting a while ago. I told him why.'

'Didn't go well.' It wasn't a question. 'I … At least it's out in the open, Dorian, he had to know.'

'I know.' He shrugged. 'I'm not saying you were wrong. But right now … I don't know if I hate him or myself more.'

'Long as you don't hate me.'

'Don't be ridiculous. You're the only thing that stands between me and enough alcohol to be life-threatening.'

Felix's eyes widened. He knew Dorian long and well enough not to brush that statement aside. 'Don't you dare, Pavus.'

The mage raised his hands. 'I'm here, aren't I? So distract me. Do something. Stop me.'

Felix shook his head. 'I'll stop you by asking you not to destroy yourself because I need a friend. And I'll keep needing him for a long time yet.'

Dorian swallowed and nodded. 'All right. Long as you keep listening to my whining.'

'Whine away.' He scowled. 'Dorian, promise me you're not going to do something stupid one day.'

Dorian swallowed. 'I won't. I'm sorry, I …' He glared. 'I'm miserable and tried to make you miserable, too. And I'm sorry that I succeeded. I won't kill myself, if that's your question. Promise.'

'Good. Chess?'

'Yeah. I'm warning you, I'll be a lousy player today.'

'Well, at least I stand a chance. Normally you beat me without batting an eye.'

Ϡ

Dorian made his move without thinking. Judging from Felix's expression it was horrible. He didn't care. 'What did you mean, earlier, about Danarius? He's been south?'

Felix gave him a withering look. 'Yes. And he made so much noise about it even you couldn't have missed it, one should think. He had a slave that ran away and went to hunt him down. And believe it or not, that slave ran afoul of some guy in the free marches, who returned him. Imagine what that did to Danarius's ego.'

'I'd rather not.'

'I saw it first hand,' the solemn voice of Gereon Alexius said. 'Good evening, Dorian. Your father is very concerned.'

Dorian bit back the retort that was on his mind. Instead, he raised both arms and smiled. He believed it was convincing. 'What shall I say? I hate these … occasions. Not all of them, mind you. Yours are brilliant.'

A smile tugged at the older man's face. 'You know you're always welcome here, Dorian, and I won't throw you out. But perhaps you should consider returning home, before Halward thinks he has to send out a search party. A search party, which undoubtedly will show up at my door. Also, I think he has calmed down a little.'

'Did he say … what happened?'

Gereon snorted. 'No. But I can guess. I've known you for a very long time now, and I am not blind. How did he find out about your … ah … inclination?'

'Counter question. Am I that obvious?'

The magister laughed. 'No. At least, not to everyone. It's easy for me, you're not my son and heir. Of course it is nothing that troubles me. If you prefer to stay here tonight, your room is always ready.'

Of course it was. He was, after all, Gereon's apprentice and there were times where they worked late into the night. Dorian didn't ask just what his mentor would do if Felix preferred men. He suspected he'd take it better than his father, however. 'Still. Thank you for not … having me removed for my depravity.' He stood and looked at the mess on the chess board and laid his king down. 'I yield, Felix. I demand a rematch tomorrow. Or whenever I have calmed down enough.'