Title: Going for Gold
Author: Mathra
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: M
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling
Taryn Wanderer owns the Tea monologue
As you may have noticed English isn't my first language. So feel free to correct me!
Soundtrack: Maximo Park - Acrobat
Going for Gold
Comfortable, this was so comfortable, Sirius thought and sank deeper and deeper into Lily's
bottomless couch. Behind his back he could hear her in the kitchen. Rattling and clattering, the rushing water in the sink and the distant voice from the radio. He let his head drift back and closed his eyes.
Not until somebody sank next to him into the couch Sirius snapped his eyes open again. He looked at Lily who sat next to him with a satisfied sigh.
'Hngh,' he groaned.
'Whatever you say, master of the spoken word.' Lily looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and ran her hand over them.
'Where is Remus?', she asked after a short time when her eyes were shut again.
'No idea. Maybe he's helping James with this thing you aren't telling us about.' Sirius yawned until he was afraid his jaw was going to break and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
'Don't be so curious. When it's ready you will be the first to know.' She yawned showing all her teeth. 'No, seriously, he said he would come to dinner und now it's already ten and still no sign…'
'You just wish he was here so you can make him your willing kitchen slave. I'm just not as helpful as he is.'
'Helpful. I don't want helpful. I would have been satisfied if you hadn't committed horrible acts against my defenceless potatoes.'
'The asked for it, these mean little…'
Lily smacked him with her hand on his head. 'Let me see, not only is my food extraordinary good but it also has hallucinate side effects. Interesting!', she sighed, 'Aren't you concerned at all about Remus? If James didn't… I don't know, I would have gone crazy by now.'
Sirius closed his eyes again. 'Yeah, but you and James… you are a couple, see?' Even in his own ears he sounded like ten year old.
Her next words chased away every childish thought he had as well as his sleepiness.
'Sirius, you don't have to act, ok?', she said, 'I know.'
He turned around so fast he could hear his spine cracking and looked at her with wide eyes. 'You now what?'
'I…,' she hesitated, 'I know that you are together.' She looked directly into his eyes. 'Don't worry, I won't tell James, but…'
Sirius gasped for air, swallowed and began to cough.
'Together?', he panted, 'together… What gave that idea?' He sat up and starred at her.
'Well, you live together….'
He cut her off. 'Yes, but only cause he can't afford a flat by himself!'
'…and none of you had a girlfriend in ages…'
'I enjoy my single life!'
'…and I've seen the way he looks at you.'
'He only has big… What do you mean, the way he looks at me?', he stammered and fixed the movement of her lips. It didn't make any sense.
Lily looked at him with big eyes. 'I am sorry,' she avoided his eyes, 'I made a mistake. Just forget about…'
'No, say what you wanted to say. How does he look at me?'
'Sirius, I don't think…'
'Lily,' he grabbed her and made her look at him, 'Tell me what you meant!'
She saw straight into his eyes. 'Like my parents look at each other. Like James looks at me sometimes. Like…'
Sirius released her and rubbed his forehead with his hand. 'No…, you got it all wrong. We are not… I mean, I'm not… and Remus neither!' he added fast.
'No…, no, of course not. Just forget I said anything. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interfered.' Again she avoided his eyes.
'Lily, I…'
There was a knock at the door, it was opened and Remus came inside his jacket already half removed and with his other hand trying to take off his scarf. He smiled at Lily and then at Sirius, who ran a hand nervously through his hair.
Suddenly Sirius thought of something. Remus eyes were shining with something Sirius had recognized before, but hadn't been able to name it, although he had seen it in Remus eyes often enough to know that it was there because of him
'Hey, you two! I'm late, I know, but I have brought chocolate for dessert…', he stopped talking, 'Is something wrong?'
Sirius looked at Lily and both of them remained silent.
'Where is James? Did something happen?'
Finally Lily spoke. 'No… Everything is fine, we were just…'
'…talking about Communism, which obviously works better in theory than in application.', Sirius finished while ignoring Lily's disappointed glance.
Outside the rain was pouring against the windows while Sirius and Remus stumbled through the front door into their flat. Sirius took off his jacket and threw it in a corner. Remus picked it up and hung it next to his own jacket and scarf carefully on the coat hook. If Remus did ever cut someone's throat and drink their blood he would pull out a napkin to clean everything up afterwards. Always prepared!
Sirius went into the kitchen and put on a cattle with water. That' s what you do as a proper member of the British society, drink your tea. So he made his tea.
He had read somewhere that the typical British man drank an average of seven cups of tea a day. Sirius drank his tea and figured that he must have made up a lot of the average. He and the Minister of Magic. Sitting around and drinking tea.
He was more confused by Lily's words than he was ready to admit. Nobody could make something like this out of air, especially not Lily. But could it be possible that Remus… wanted him?
They were friends since Hogwarts, as they were with Peter and James. James, his best friend, his second brain, his brother, and Remus and Peter, his friends.
Peter, who finally managed to somehow step out of James shadow, who had become more independent but also more reserved than ever. And Remus…
Remus, who was to proud to accept his offer for a free living, who he first had to curse before he could bring him and his two shabby bags in his new flat. Who he had to close into the bathroom for a full day before he accepted.
Who was now standing in the doorframe and was looking at him. In the pale light his face looked unusual harsh.
'Hey,' he said, but it sounded muffled, as through an invisible wall. Remus cleared his throat.
'Hey', he answered. Should he… He was Sirius Black, the boy who was sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin and survived, he could do everything. He took a deep breath.
'Remus, do you like men?'
No reaction. Remus was silently starring at him. Ok, new strategy.
'Do you love me?', while he said it he already wanted to take it back.
Something flickered over Remus face but was gone as fast as it came.
'Of course I love you! You, your unbelievable attractive body and James sweat drenched Quidditch uniform, it's a dream come true." Anybody, who hadn't spend seven years with Remus in the same dorm, had thought of it as pure sarcasm. But Sirius had spend seven years with him in the same dorm: He could tell from a ten metre distance that Remus was lying. He lied. Remus lied!
'No, are you in love with me?'
Remus was standing so still that Sirius could see how his balled hands were shaking and his knuckles were becoming whiter and whiter. His face had an waxen look. Finally he bowed his head like a dead man waiting for the executioner.
'I…', he hesitated, 'I…'
'Just say it! Yes or no. Are you in love with me?'
'Yes.'
No, no, wrong answer!
'Fuck!', he began to pace up and down, 'You and Lily, you are messing with me, aren't you?'
'No', Remus sounded miserable.
'No? So you want to screw me? To fuck me?' Sirius thoughts were racing like Muggle electronics. Up and down. Scenes from the past, the present.
'I…'
'Every time after you transformed, when you were lying and shaking next to me, you just wanted to screw me? Screw you!' He was feeling sick.
'It's not like that!' Remus stammered, 'I love…'
'Don't say it!' Sirius was shaking with anger. 'Stop it!'
'I can't just stop it!', Remus voice became louder, but then it broke. Flat and expressionless, without any emotions. 'I'm sorry.'
'You're sorry?' Sirius couldn't believe it, 'Great, then everything is fine! Excellent! Teriffic! Fanfuckingtastic!' Up and down, to the left and to the right. 'You can't just apologize for something like this!'
Remus swallowed and refused to look at him.
'I thought we were friends!'
For the first time Remus glanced at him. 'We are…'
'No! Not, when I have to be scared every time I shower to find you standing behind me.'
Remus almost closed his eyes and the corners of his mouth rose up, and finally, finally he was reacting. His face was changing into a mask of anger.
'This isn't fair!', was all he managed.
'Surprise! That's life. You should know better with being a werewolf and all…'
Remus eyes widened. The moment Sirius recognized what he just said Remus had already fled from the kitchen. He heard loud noises from the hall and then the unmistaken loud bang of a door.
Shit, shit, shit. He didn't mean it like that, at least not the werewolf thing. Damn, why had he mentioned the wolf at all?
Sirius hurried after him until he reached the closed door to Remus room and placed his forehead against it. 'Remus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…'
'Yes, you did,' Remus voice came muffled through the door interrupted by a noise that sounded like an earthquake. 'You always do.'
Suddenly the door was pushed open and Sirius almost had his nose broken. Remus came out, hauling his bags behind him while at the same time trying to get past Sirius without looking at him or touching him.
He put on his shoes and jacket, grabbed the scarf and opened the front door. With his back to Sirius he stood in the doorway.
'Until a short while ago I was proud to be your friend…'
He grabbed his luggage and stamped up and away into the darkness and the pouring rain.
Tbc…
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