Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N – a little one shot, AU Names. It's best if you read Names first, although it can make sense on its own. Anyways, this comes just after Chapter 9 of Names, when Draco has agreed to join Harry in his 'quest'. It was going to be the start of Chapter 10, but in Names Draco is far too miserable to achieve this level of sarcasm. I've read Hamlet recently, so I think a touch of Polonius has crept into him. Oh well. This fic is irrelevant to Names – if you don't read it your understanding of Names will not be changed.
Driving Harry mad
"Potter," I said. "Potter."
"Yes?" he said.
"Potter," I repeated.
"Say my name one more time, Draco, and I'll thump you," he said.
"Po-yes," I said. "I wish to talk to you," I said.
"I guessed that," he said.
"Then without further ado, we shall talk," I said.
"Do go on," he said, grinding his teeth.
"Potter," I said, and he reached for his wand. "Potter, over the past few days I have been assimilated into your Order of the Phoenix. I have slept in your house, I have worn your clothes (with varying degrees of shame) and I have even joined you at mealtimes; a most harrowing experience, I might add, since the Weasley juniors attack food with the indiscrimination characteristic of the swine family."
"Assimilated, you say?" he said.
"I did indeed," I said.
"And yet I am the only you talk to," he said.
"Hardly surprising," I said. "Perpend. I only bother talking to you, Potter, because the rest of your rabble are entirely unworthy of my attention." I was getting into full Malfoy mode by now. "Consider. Out of a choice of Wonder Boy, Chosen One, Boy-(Man now?)-Who-Lived and nerdy sidekick, who is also a mudblood…"
"Watch it," he snapped.
"As I said," I said. "Out of a choice of you-of-many-titles, nerdy sidekick, annoying sidekick, twins far too pleased with their own twindom, grizzled auror, colour blind auror who thinks pinks is a valid hair colour, daddy and mummy Weasley and a mouldy werewolf, who would you talk to? I have little choice. Oh, I forget your Possible Girlfriend (I'll call her Poss. Gif. for short). Not that I care whether you two are having it off or not. I am A. Depressed and miserable and B. More likely to develop an interest in the Dark Lord than in either of you two. Ah," I sighed. "I have yet to find a person who would make a suitable lover for the Malfoy family's heir…"
"Do you have a point?" Potter interrupted.
"I am getting there," I said. Icily. I paused and gathered my thoughts. "As I believe I was saying, before I was so very rudely interrupted, I have now fully assimilated myself into your Order of the Phoenix, god help me. I might mention that I do this at great personal risk to myself. It is always possible that the Dark Lord will come storming after me and tear me apart, and even if he doesn't, living with you people is seriously damaging my sanity."
"I don't know about my sanity," Potter warned, "but I can vouch that my patience is limited."
"I see," I said, hurt. "Then I will be brief, for to discuss what is day, what is night and what is the time I have spent here would be to waste day, night and time. Thus, since brevity is what is called for in a delicate matter like this, I shall get to the point." Potter looked ready to cry, so I decided to put him out of his misery.
"Potter?"
"Yes?"
"Potter?"
"What?
"Potter?"
"I warned you Draco," he growled. I dodged his hands and went for it.
"When do I get an Order of the Phoenix badge?"
Strange, ne? I don't know where these ideas come from… Poor Draco, forced to live with all those terrible people.
