Just a little bit of heads up, its a nonsense poem. Don't get all bitchy because I slammed your favorite pairing.
Enjoy!
The Secret Affairs of Harry Potter Fandom
There is a ship that we must, at one point, climb upon,
If we are to survive the seas of the fanfiction chameleon.
Really, don't you think that Harry would get the gist,
If Remus and his godfather ever really kissed?
I'm sure you think I'm whining,
But, in Mrs. Rowling's name, I must persist to discredit,
Any affairs of Miss Granger and Snape if you never truly read about it.
Just thinking of Harry and Draco sharing a bed,
Is enough to ask the guillotine to permanently take my head!
And really, Hermy and Ronald are not snogging,
Until you read the final book, of which I'm clearly spoiling.
Potty and the Weasel are really no better,
I'm sure hearing of that would turn them both back into bed-wetters.
Seriously people, we know that Draco isn't gay,
I'm sure his faux-abusive, Death Eater father would get in his masculinity-loving way.
Harry and Ginny, really, please?
And I'm quite sure that Lily didn't automatically give Harry's father a strip-tease.
Despite being the holiest woman in the fanfiction kingdom,
According to the authors, Harry's mum really got around.
No one's doing it with Peter; he's kind of ugly and fat they say,
And I assure you that no one likes those extra pounds in any form or way.
Dumbledore, it's been said, prefers men in the sheets of his bed.
I know it's gross to say it,
But he obviously has no thoughts of naked McGonagall running though his head.
Speaking of which, I must admit,
Cedric and Harry have never found themselves in a sexual twist.
It's disappointing for some, I know,
But you've really got to get with the "They're Straight" flow.
Beneath the sheets of Ced's bed, I assure you is where Harry has never laid his head.
If you didn't get the double entendre, you're just not getting the kinkiness of what I said.
Really now, Hagrid and Moody are not getting it on,
I'm quite sure that there will be no more half-giant spawn.
Thinking of Crabbe and Goyle really gives me the shivers,
I believe, over reading that, I'd eat a bucket of chicken gizzards.
I'm not exaggerating, truly I'm not,
When I said that none of the Marauders were never tying each others bedsheets in knots.
They really didn't roll that way,
They stayed out of each other's pants,
I know some readers are leaving at the moment they realize that there will be no sex.
Speaking of which, the canon pairs,
Each and every one can go fall down some stairs.
Contradictory to everything I just said,
It's called fanfiction for a reason, canon characters will not be wed.
I'm sorry, seriously I am,
For saying that we all know that Bellatrix definitely ditched her first man.
Voldemort is her one and only, to him she is drawn,
I keep wondering when they'll turn up with their pale, half-snake spawn.
You really want to know what pairing I hate most?
Crookshanks in Pigwideon's roost.
The cross-species thing, it just won't do,
Though I'm sure that Hagrid once dreamed it would though.
He'd like a new pet, a kitty that flies,
Instead of a drooling hound, the only one who seems to watch with whom he lies.
You know, I've jumped ship on some pairings,
Indeed, quite a few,
Put it this way, the rest of them can boil in a stew!
I'm just speaking my mind, there's no need to sue,
There are many other people that think the same way, too.
Oh, and I forgot to mention the shananigans of Mary Sue
Every character of which she will do, with her male counterpart, Mr. Gary Stu.
Let's give them a hand, a healthy hoorah!
But let's still pray that Mary will keep her boobs in her bra.
And you can rest assured that there really are others that like to make fun of pairings.
