Slowly and unworthily I make my way up the long rows towards Him. Beautiful and untouchable He stands there, waiting, hoping, longing for me. I tremble slightly, at the cold and the fear I feel. It has been so long. Too long. At night I cry, always at night. Trying to find something I can't remember, something that I can't even name. For me it is like standing in Lake Michigan at dusk. Just enough light to illuminate and shadow the water, the dunes. Trying to reach out, trying to remember something that was lost so long ago.

Will you always be there? Yes. Memories of those who have passed through my life swirl through my head, each one painful to face, but necessary as a part of who I am. Brokenhearted and disillusioned He still loves me.

As I walk closer I think of Harm. I think of him the night I told him I was sick. Disbeliveing, unaccepting of the truth, hurting when he realized what needed to be accepted. I watched him as I woke, barely dusk, a little light seeping through my bedroom window. I watch him and wonder if he always prays at this time. Watch him on his knees, silently whispering the beautiful and soothing prayers. As I watch, I think of men like Harm. Men who are good and passionate. Those who love truth, who live their lives a little more fully than the rest.

I am drawn to him all over again in a way I hadn't expected. I slowly walk forward, unnoticed by him. I kneel next to him and place my hands in his. He accepts my hand in his without question or hesitation. Mine fits perfectly between his, which makes me so terribly sad that I begin to cry silently. I cry for the feeling of loneliness inside me that may never leave; that may have been gone if Harm and I hadn't pushed each other away for years too long and too lost to count.

Return to me with your whole heart, He says. Harm and I kneel together, prayers on our lips for an eternity. Close in a way that I have never been with anyone before. Intimate in a sense that I never expected to experience with Harm. He kissed me then. Almost a child-like kiss, honest and open; as if we had done this a thousand times in our lifetime. Peacefully, truthfully, and in that moment at least, we understand each other.

As I continue to walk up the aisle I push any hesitation and fear away. I am surrounded by love, by quiet strength, and presence. I return to Him then, fully and completely, with my whole heart. I silently say yet another prayer in thanks that He led me back home. To life without constant struggle. To second chances and healing, both spiritually and physically…and to Harm. After a few moments I walk out of the church, down the steps and into the sun. He is waiting there, and I take his hand and smile. I am ready.