Disclaimers
- All characters are over 18.
Transformers aren't mine.
Thanks
- to my wonderful beta that helped me EnglishEnigma.
Sam is staring at the chocolate cake in front of him ... really staring at it but not in a hungry way ... just ... just a bit disappointed.
"What?" his mom asks.
"Did you really buy me a cake?" he exclaims staring at the candles ... not really wanting to count them.
"It's your birthday!" Mikaela quickly explains like Sam would forget ... no way he would forget but ... but he thinks he's much too old for cakes and parties.
"I'm twenty five, Mom!" he reminds her shifting his eyes from the cake to his mom.
"We know that, darling," she replies not really knowing what's going on with her son.
"We thought that you would be happy," Mikaela says crossing her arms on her chest. Sam sighs and turns toward her.
"If I'm not forgetting you bought me a cake last year and the result was the same. I totally hated it!" Sam snaps.
"I don't know what your problem is, Sam" his mom groans. "Blow out the damn candles so we can get this over with." Sam sighs, leaning forward to blow them out but Mikaela rushes to stop him putting a hand on his chest.
"What?!" he asks stressed.
"Don't forget to make a wish," she smiles slapping his head softly.
"Oh, yes, don't worry about that," he fakes a wide smile. "It's my birthday after all."
"Stupid!" Mikaela hisses slapping him again, this time with more force ... almost smashing his face into the cake.
"But Mikaela!" he complains.
"You deserve it!"
Around eleven pm Sam leaves to return to his home and Mikaela insists on accompanying him ... outside it is dark and a bit windy as the two walk slowly with Mikaela hooked on Sam's arm.
"Every year ... Sam, it's always the same story," she sighs while they are walking slowly.
"I know," Sam replies zipping up his jacket ... the chilly night air makes him shiver.
"Next Saturday I will have a party, do you want to come?" she asks.
"No thanks."
"Eh, I knew it!" she exclaims annoyed. "You really like to be left alone, eh?" Sam shrugs not really caring. "You are still wearing his jacket," she points out while looking at the worn out yellow and black striped leather jacket. Sam sniffs trying to hold back his emotions.
"I like it."
"He left you, Sam ... he left you seven years ago," she reminds him ... like he couldn't remember ... like he wasn't counting each fucking day ... hour ... minute that he lived without him by his side.
"I know," he sniffs again stopping. "You don't need to remind me of it."
She sighs. "I know that you loved him but-"
"Yes, I fucking loved him ... I still love him but I can't seem to get over it!" he snaps glaring at her. "Every time you and my mom ... you keep fucking repeating the same damn thing, that I should get over it but I can't. Or maybe I won't!"
"But look at you, Sam!" she starts to yell. "You ... you don't have a life ... work and home ... home and work."
"I know!"
"You don't go out ... you don't date anybody and believe me you are a handsome man," she points out. "You live with your memories of him but he's not coming back. He left you, Sam ... have the courage to face it. He left you alone!"
"It's not true. He needed ... he needed to-" and then he seems to not be able to end that phrase because he starts to cry. Mikaela sighs rolling her eyes.
"Damn you, Bumblebee!" she yells up at the starry sky ... and she really hates him for how he reduced her friend ... her ex - lover ... because, yes ... they tried to get together but Sam was living with the memory of Bee and so the relationship lasted only a brief month.
"Ok ... ok, let's not talk about him, please," Sam breathes out while hastily wiping away his tears and Mikaela nods going to hug him.
"Oh, Sammy!" she sighs against his neck.
"Hey, you know right now I wouldn't mind a beer," he chuckles softly while sniffing.
"Oh, me too," Mikaela smiles as they start to walk toward Sam's house again.
Seven years ago ... yeah ... he left him and for Sam it's like it happened yesterday ... but at the same time it's like he's been waiting an eternity for his return. He was eighteen years old... so young and he didn't want to leave him ... Bumblebee didn't really want to follow his leader ... he can still remember those sparkling blue eyes as he looked at him telling that he had to ... he had to ...
"Maybe ... maybe we are not alone," he said as Sam felt his heartbeat skip. "Optimus Prime received this signal ... he thinks that it's another Autobot sending it." And Sam cried and yelled because he didn't want him to leave ... he loved him.
"Don't do this to me," he begged ... cold hands in his ... darkening eyes trying to avoid his. "No, Bee." And the next morning he was only a memory ... gone with the others ... far away and leaving Sam alone ... with a sensation of loneliness that wouldn't leave him anymore.
Sam has learned to live with it ... like something is missing and he can't replace it ... him ... his Bee.
Sometimes he stares at the night sky and wonders where his Bee is now ... and he pulls his hand up like trying to reach for a star ... for him ... like wanting to establish contact with him. Other nights he goes to sleep with a feeling of emptiness that he tries to fill with masturbation ... coming with Bee's name on his lips and imagining something that didn't happen and, maybe, never will happen for Sam.
He loves his guardian ... he needs him ... and really Sam would like to hate Bumblebee for what he did to him but he can't bring himself to do that. He's lost and it's like he's walking in a no mans land ... a little voice inside Sam's mind is screaming that he will not see him again ... that the short time they shared together is gone ... now becoming a dusty memory ... that Sam makes shine sometimes when he thinks that he won't make it ... that he won't have the strength to go on without Bee ... but sometimes it's like Sam is still waiting for him to come back ... to find a way to come back to him.
He just doesn't want to get lost in knowing the truth that he's not coming back anymore.
Around dawn Sam wakes up with a strange sensation tickling the back of his mind ... sheets are wrapped around his legs and an empty bottle of beer sleeps beside his pillow.
"Shouldn't have drunk all that beer," he mutters to himself getting up and staggering downstairs because now he's starving for some junk food. "Five o'clock and wide awake. What should I do if not eat," he says to himself while going toward the kitchen wearing only a worn out and much too big hoodie ... Bee's hoodie, now all ruined and stained but Sam can't let it go ... can't throw it ... it's a little piece that Bee left. He sits at the table with a tub of ice cream and quietly starts to eat moaning in pleasure as he licks the spoon. "Fucking good." He just sits there with a leg bent under his thigh as he keeps eating. "More caramel syrup." He smiles watching the sticky liquid drip over the creamy ice cream.
"What?" he suddenly jumps as he hears a rumble outside ... breaking the silence that's enveloping the entire neighborhood. He sighs getting up and opening the back door as the chill night air makes him shiver ... he stares around the dark garden ... a distant dog is barking but he doesn't see anything strange ... after all it's still early he thinks as he shrugs, ready to go back inside, when something catches his eyes.
"What the-" He walks toward the white fence that separates his garden from the little street lined with trees ... wet grass tickles his bare feet as he keeps slowly walking. "I never saw it," he whispers in wonder while staring at a shiny black striped yellow racing car parked in front of his home.
"I bet Flores' son bought another sporty car," he says walking around it, "but hey you can't deny that that boy has good taste." He yawns caressing the black shiny hood feeling it warm under his hand. "Ah, another crazy disco night," he chuckles knowing what kind of boy Sonny Flores is. Then, as another blow of chilly wind hits his face, he decides to go back ... he's walking toward the house when a rumble makes him turn again.
"Hey," he says turning toward the car where there's a man standing now. "Hey, Sonny, you can't keep your car parked in front of my house." The man remains in silence and Sam can't see him properly because it's still dark but he's more than sure that Sonny is drunk again. "Sonny, really, you can't park it here ... ok, maybe only for tonight then tomorrow morning I want it gone."
"Sonny?" he calls him again this time with an hint of fear in his voice because now the man is coming toward him ... and no ... no, he definitely isn't Sonny.
"Sam?"
Sam freezes as his heart skips a beat ... as his mouth becomes suddenly dry ... as he can't seem to feel anything, only a hiss inside his head.
"No!" he yells stepping back ... staggering on his bare feet. "Oh my god, no ... go away," he finds himself yelling while starting to run away as the man is chasing him ... harsh wind against his wet cheeks as he runs toward his home ... toward a safe place ... far away from him.
"Sam!" he calls him ... haunts him.
Sam rushes toward his still open back door. "Go away," he screams while crying but the man is after him ... heavy footsteps on his stairs and then a large hand slams open the door that Sam was trying to close.
And Sam ... Sam just takes a step back with his sweaty hands against his mouth like he wants to shush himself ... not believing in what he's seeing ... and he closes his eyes because maybe, again ... again, he's still dreaming ... but then reopening them he finds him still there ... still in front of him.
"Sam," he calls him again ... rough, deep voice that sends shivers along Sam's body.
"No ... no, you are not him," he finds himself whispering. "He left me."
"I know," he replies trying to take a step toward Sam. "It's me, Sam ... Bumblebee."
"No ... no, you are not him!" Sam yells stepping back. "Don't come closer to me ... don't you ever dare!"
Bee nods. "Look at me, Sam ... I'm him ... I'm Bee," he says stilling.
"He left me seven years ago," Sam hisses then yells, "He left me!"
"I had to," he simply says and for Sam it's enough ... that, "I had to" ... he can still remember that phrase.
"Look at me, Sam," he says while slowly walking toward the shivering guy. "Sam."
Sam whimpers in pain as he comes closer ... so close to him ... almost there and he's waited for so long ... too long ... for this moment. He's there, Sam thinks, but at the same time he's not like he remembers; his dirty blond hair is now stained deep black and his eyes sparkle less... like something black ... like black oil languidly mixing with his arctic color ... he's more mature and older ... more consumed.
"Sam," he calls him while one of his hands tries to reach for his.
"Oh my!" Sam exclaims as he sees that Bumblebee's cold hand is entirely covered with tiny black symbols ... words and numbers. Bee sighs.
"Let me explain, Sam," he says, "then you can kick me out of your life."
"I don't want to hear," Sam replies not daring to move ... trying to breathe normally.
"Sam," Bee calls him. "Sam, I came here to give you an explanation for what happened."
"I don't want your fucking excuses," he hisses pushing him away. "You left me, Bee."
And touching him ... touching him again is like touching fire ... having him back ... and Sam suddenly craves his touches ... to hold him ... to put his arms around that body that he missed so much ... to kiss him again and beg him to not let him go because it's like Sam slept during all these years ... years waiting for his return. But Sam remains there ... unmoving ... not daring to reach for him ... although he's craving for an embrace ... for a kiss ... for something more ... but he can't ... there's so much that Sam wants to know ... there's still so much that he has to say.
"Go away!" Sam yells but he really doesn't believe in his own words because he wants him ... he craves for him again and again ... he dreamed too many nights about his Bee finally returning home.
"Yes ... no ... oh, Sam, please listen to me!" he yells punching a wall. "Fuck you. I came here to give you a reason." Sam stills ... wide eyes looking at the crack that Bee's fist left.
"Talk," he says.
Bee sits at the kitchen table.
"What I'm going to tell you is not so simple, Sam," he says as Sam sits in front of him.
"Try," Sam sighs while staring at the tattooed hands.
"Well ... Prime ... he wasn't wrong about that signal ... it was really an Autobot signal but ... but at the same time it was a trap ... Decepticons were waiting for us," he explains licking his dry and cracked lips, "and ... and to make a long story short I was captured."
"What about the others?" Sam asks covering Bee's shaking hands with his ... he needs to touch him ... he's so thirsty and needing.
"They cut my signal ... so they couldn't find me anymore," he says entwining his fingers with Sam's.
"All these years-"
"Yes, all these years I was enslaved by them," he nods. "Then, one day, I was able to restore my signal and Prime found and freed me."
"What ... what are those symbols?" he asks while tracing one with the tip of his finger. He sighs, standing up ... then he takes off his leather jacket and worn out t - shirt ... and Sam closes his eyes in pain because all his upper body is tattooed with those symbols.
"Decepticons made this ... and they made sure that my holo - form also has it," he explains while his fingers dances lightly upon his black inked skin.
"You ... you still left me," Sam says.
"Sam, you know that I didn't want to," he replies cupping his face, and Sam ... Sam just let his eyes close for a brief moment enjoying this closeness ... to have him again ... near him ... touching him.
"There wasn't a day that went by without me thinking about you," Sam whispers kissing Bee's hands.
"Me too," Bee replies.
"But Sam-" and suddenly he stops, eyes widening as his hands slam flat on the table surface trying to support his weight ... mouth wide open in a silent scream as black sticky liquid slides down from the corner of his mouth slowly dripping on the table ... a little black puddle forming and Bee's nails dig into the wood as he raises his eyes now totally black toward Sam.
"Bee," Sam rushes to support his lover. "Oh my ... Bee, look at me!" he cries cupping his face as dark rivulets of that liquid slide from Bee's eyes.
"It's ... it's nothing," Bee smiles standing up while shaking his head and antennae as well. "I'm all right, Sam." Sam stares at him.
"No you are not ... what was that?"
"Oh, the Decepticons loved me so much they played with me a bit," he chuckles wiping away the black liquid from his eyes. "I never totally submitted to them ... always giving them a hard time ... heh, heh ... eventually they got tired of my stubborn character and taught me a few lessons."
"What happened?" Sam asks.
"I ... I don't want to talk about this ... please, Sam," he breaths out. But before Sam has time to reply Bee shushes him with a finger on his lips. "Sam, I came here to be your guardian again."
"What?"
"Yes, you heard right ... they are coming, Sam ... I can't explain more ... but they are coming," Bee whispers catching Sam's hand in his. "I'll be your guardian again, like before."
"No ... no, wait!" Sam yells pushing him away. "You will not throw me in the middle of your crazy war games."
"But, Sam, you're already in this," Bee replies.
"What ... what do they want from me this time?!" Sam yells stressed. "I ... I ... oh, please, no. Not again." Bee sighs.
"I know, Sam ... I know but you have to trust me ... again, please, Sam."
"You were away for seven long years and then suddenly you decide to jump back into my life again ... telling me that Decepticons are coming back for me ... no, Bee, I'm tired of your games," Sam hisses walking past him and toward his room. "Go away!"
"You don't really want to see me go away," Bee yells after him. "Fuck you, Sam. It wasn't my fault!"
"Yes, it was, Bumblebee!" Sam yells back glaring at him. "You could choose ... you could have given up Prime and the rest of the Autobots."
"But ... but Optimus Prime is my leader, and I'm an Autobot. I can't turn my back on them," he explains.
"Oh, so it was easier to sacrifice me," he points out.
"No, Sam, it wasn't ... I thought that I would come back as soon as we found the source of that fucking signal," Bee insists. "But it wasn't my fault that it was a trap and the Decepticons wanted to keep me with them for all those years!" Sam shakes his head. "You can't blame me, Sam!" Bee barks slapping his chest. "I love you, Sam, and I didn't want to hurt you."
"I almost don't recognize you, Bee," Sam whimpers leaning against the wall.
"I know ... it's a price that I paid for not submitting to their wants ... for not becoming a Decepticon," he whispers while staring at him.
"Why is your car - form black and not yellow?" Sam asks almost fearing Bee's answer.
"Experiments, Sam ... but I told you that I don't want to talk about that, Sam ... not now," he replies.
"What do you want, Bee?" Sam asks while wiping away his tears, "because I don't know what to do."
"Trust in me again, Sam," Bee smiles softly. "This time I'm not walking away."
"You ... you promise?" Sam stutters. Bee nods.
"Yes, I promise, Sam," and for a moment he can see again the sparkling sky - blue eyes looking directly at him ... his old Bee is gone like those days when he was only a teenager in love with his yellow Camaro.
