Yi of Evil Will :[
Chapter One: No Mountain High Enough
The giant flaming eyeball pivotted slowly atop the black tower, atop the dark mountain circled by vultures, at the edge of a great cliff, flanked on the west, south and north sides by blackened fields. It saw everything for kilometres in every direction, missing not a detail as it swept watchfully over the landscape.
Well, there's not much else to do when you don't have an eyelid. The master hadn't considered this when conjuring the fiery iris. Nor had he considered that vultures would regularly smack into and impale it.
Nor had he considered the biggest design flaw; fire was not waterproof, and it was raining. The eye flickered momentarily and went out. Just when there was something on the horizon worth noting, too.
Four men sat astride weary horses, making their way slowly across the poorly-designed level towards the sinister looking tower. The horsemen eventually came to a halt around a hundred metres from the mountain that played host to the structure. It was kind of impressive, as far as Koei buildings went. Red Hare would take pehaps thirty seconds to gallop around it, and a full minute to reach the top running vertically, if horses did shit like that.
The outer walls appeared to be made of darkened steel, and rose in ridges like the flangs of a mace. At the top, apparently, was a huge, fiery Xiahou Dun joke waiting to happen.
"It appears we have arrived," Cao Ren observed. He nodded to Zhang He. "Arouse Lord Cao Cao."
Unaware of possible double meanings, Cao Ren watched curiously as He turned gleefully in his saddle, rounding on the king who slept soundly on horseback. To the wo/man's great disappointment, Cao Cao's eyes fluttered open before his belt could be removed. He smiled sleepily as he noticed his general.
"Not tonight Lady Zhen . . . mmh, your husband is getting suspicious . . . " He began to drift back to sleep.
Cao Ren produced a piece of paper, loyally adding this to the 'List of Things Cao Cao Said that Should not be Repeated.' It was a harrowing read.
"Cousin, wake!," Xiahou Dun snapped. "We must be on guard, should they be in this area."
Cao Cao opened one eye again. "Ugh . . . Let me sleep, fool. If 'they' aren't sexy women I don't want to hear about it."
"They are sexy," Zhang He sighed dreamily. "Who did not grow up without a Yuan Shao poster on their bedroom wall?"
Ren and Dun exchanged glaces, before shrugging and nodding. Cao Cao sat bolt upright in his saddle.
"What? Oh yes, that blasted Yuan! And Sun Jian, curse his pirate gills." The King of Wei turned to scan the landscape, seeing no sign of his rivals. He sighed with satisfaction. "Cao Cao 1, ingrates 0. We must be playing my Musou Mode today."
It had been almost a year since warriors from Wei, Wu and Shu had descended upon Zhuge Liang's mountain hideaway, hoping to secure the mystic's strategic abilities after a series of bizarre 'accidents' had killed off their respective military advisors. Liu Bei had, of course, walked away with the major prize, leaving Cao Cao, Sun Jian and Yuan Shao empty-handed. The name of another strategist looking for employment had luckily been dropped, and the three heroes were just desperate enough to seek him out.
However, there was a bloody big war on, with events following the typical Dynasty Warriors Timeline:
Yellow Turban Rebellion (184) ---- Fall of the Han (220) ---- Shitload of Fighting (220-280ish) ---- End Credits (Date unknown) ---- Pointless Sequel (Usually 1-2 months after End Credits)
There was work to be done, and for a while time could not be spared to go chasing after another mysterious hermit. Even if he was something cool, like a giant crab.
Needless to say Liu Bei had been flaunting his trophy strategist every opportunity, and eventually Cao Cao couldn't take it anymore. He needed something to wipe the smirk of his nemesis' face, and since he couldn't get close enough for the acid, it seemed that he had only one choice. A perilous journey had to be undertaken by the most important man in Wei, requiring he travel far from his seat of power, through harsh and dangerous wilderness to the secluded lair of a man with an evil laugh.
"We could make do with a shovel as a strategist, you know," Cao Ren said. "Or a pie of some description."
"Sima Yi is smarter than a pie," Cao Cao snapped. "One would hope."
"Or," Ren continued. "I could always become your new military advisor."
XIahou Dun barked a laugh. "Please note that idea ranked lower than both pie and shovel."
"The same could be said of your intelligence," Ren returned.
"Perhaps we need to find a strategist who is both pie and shovel?," Zhang He suggested innocently. "How unstoppable such a man would be!"
"Zhang He?," Cao Cao began.
"Yes?"
"Make like a mayfly and die."
Dun, however, wasn't so quick to dismiss the idea. "What if . . . what if we kill Sima Yi, cut his head off and bake it into a pie, then bury his body with a shovel?"
"It would seem highly contradictory to tell you that you think too much." With that Cao Cao rode out ahead of his followers, towards Sima Yi's feng shui-challenged abode.
Cao Ren, Xiahou Dun and Zhang He pouted in unison before riding to catch up. The four of them rode the rest of the way across the dark plains to the foot of, yes, another mountain. They dismounted.
"Why is it always a freakin' mountain?," Xiahou Dun whined. "I still have blisters from the last one!"
Cao Cao snorted, waving up at the smaller peak. "Does this one look as though it will take four chapters to climb? You're more than welcome to go home if it's too hard."
"That's very understanding, Lord Cao Cao. If you really don't mind- "
"Cousin Dun, when was the last time I gave someone the day off? Think, shut up, and follow."
Dun sighed. "We need a union . . ."
The mountain towered above, a single crooked peak reaching for the cloudy afternoon sky. The screeches of vultures pealed down upon the foursome. Either that, or Xing Cai was up there somewhere.
"What a gloomy place," Zhang He commented disdainfully. "I don't even see a gift shop."
"If you find one, buy me some earplugs."
"Who are you?," a deep voice grated. A tremor snaked through the ground beneath their feet at the sound. The men from Wei spun, weapons ready to face whatever spoke.
Standing on two legs, the hulking creature loomed over them. It was easily eight feet tall, with shaggy hair covering its entire body. Huge teeth glinted ominously, despite the lack of any light to reflect.
Cao Cao, Ren and Zhang He gulped.
Xiahou Dun whistled. "Dead. Sexy."
