Komui's Heart

Summary: In the aftermath of the Noah attack on the tower, and the battle with the Akuma 4, Komui reads the lists of the dead and grieves. But when a stranger known as a Walker arrives and offers him a gift, will he dare to accept. When the Innocence Heart chooses Komui as it's bearer, can his own heart withstand it? And can he use it to protect his own heart, or will the wounds he carries be ripped wider?

Chapter One: Komui's Grief

Don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Komui leaned against his desk, staring blindly at the papers on it, his mind repeating the words like a prayer. Don't think about it. Focus on winning. Tears stung his eyes, falling to the desk before him. His hands clenched in fists.

It had been three days. Three days since the female Noah had infiltrated headquarters, pretending to be a member of the Dark Order. Three days since she and her monstrous band of akuma had attacked the research lab to take back the Egg. Three days since one of the Level Three Akuma had spawned the even more terrible Level Four, which had laid waste to the Central Tower. They were still sorting through the rubble, but the casualties...

Komui bit his lip, tasting blood and hardly caring. There had been two hundred or more casualties from that attack. Researchers, killed or converted by the Earl's skull servants. More researchers and finders killed by the Akuma. Even the exorcists...though their casualties were far less. But Allen, Kanda, and Lavi were still in critical condition, and Crowley still hadn't woken from his battle aboard the Ark several days prior. Everyone else sported bruises, cuts and broken bones. Little Johnny, from his research team, might be paralyzed from the waist down.

Two hundred deaths. The words resonated in his mind. With a groan, Komui collapsed to his knees, still clinging to the desk. The numbers themselves were terrible enough, but...some of them had been his friends. Not simply people he worked with, but close comrades.

Russell. Tapp. Komui groaned again, feeling the tears streaking his face. Tapp had been Johnny's friend more than his, but he'd liked and admired the man. They'd worked together on a number things for the Order. Tapp liked to complain about overtime work, but he'd always done his share. Straightforward almost to the point of simplicity, his methods had provided both answers and amusement. Komui's chest hurt, remembering how the man had been transformed into a Skull. They'd prevented him from walking into the Dark Ark, only to watch helplessly as he died hours later, his body no longer able to withstand the sunlight or atmosphere.

And Russell. He'd been so quiet and stern most of the time, but he worked enough for any three others. He'd also been one of the few to share Komui's passion for creating machines. He was vocal enough about his disapproval at times, but he'd also taken on extra work so that Komui would have time to work on his beloved creations. He had a son, living in the nearby town. Jean. He'd been so proud of his boy. But more than that, he'd been Lenalee's friend, a fatherly adviser when she couldn't turn to her brother. And he'd been taken by the Akuma.

Komui pushed himself to his feet, staggered the two steps to his chair and collapsed, burying his face in his arms and praying no one would enter. Especially not someone who would know he wept. He often slept in this position. He didn't want anyone to see his grief, the tears that streamed down his face. He bit his lip harder, trying to stifle the agonizing sobs that tore through him.

Seeing Johnny grieve over Tapp had been terrible. Komui had gone to the young man's side, offering what support he could, letting the man talk and weep into his uniform. He'd stayed for well over an hour, and left knowing that the comfort he'd offered had been like throwing a drop of water against an inferno.

Russell had been worse. He knew the rules of the Order, that anyone who died in it's service had to disappear, but it hadn't hurt any less. Knowing his dear friends family was residing in the town below, and he dared not tell them. The son might discover his father's fate, if he ever fulfilled his promise to come to the Order, but the wife would be a widow without ever knowing. And he'd seen the look on Lenalee's face when he told her. The sorrow, too deep for words, as she'd turned away to prevent herself from burdening him with her tears.

Lenalee...Komui groaned again, the anguish torn from the bottom of his soul. The memory of what had transpired between them during the attack was agony. He wanted desperately to shut it away, but his mind refused.

She'd wanted to sacrifice herself for him. Had offered to go and face Hevlaksa, and demand to try the Innocence Implantation experiment. He still remembered her words. 'There was an experiment. Those people weren't compatible Innocence users, so...but I'm sure I can do it. And if I can synchronize...if I can protect everyone, and you too...'

The memory of the words burned him, tortured him. But no less than what had occurred only hours later, in Hevlaska's chamber. He'd seen her with Leverrier, known what the man meant to do and been helpless to stop it. Watching her had been one of the most terrible things he'd ever had to endure. He'd been helpless, frozen, watching as she reached for the Innocence he knew she hated. If it hadn't been for Kanda and Lavi, he didn't know if he'd have found the courage to go to her. In a way, that might have been easier. As it was...he'd almost reached her side when she sat up. And her words resonated in his mind like knives. 'Give me the power to protect everyone here, and I will follow wherever you lead me, as long as you need. But...you must allow me to return to my brother's side.' She'd looked up at him. He knew she'd seen him reach for her. He'd wanted to scream across the few feet that separated them, to tell her to stop. But she'd given him no time. Instead she'd smiled at him. 'I'm off. I'll be back, brother.' And then...

She'd drunk the Innocence. Komui felt his fists clench. He knew Lenalee hated being an exorcist. Knew she hated the death, the destruction. He'd hoped, when they'd discovered her synchronization was below 10 percent, that he could finally free her from that terrible destiny. Not that he would have sent her away, but he'd hoped to take the burden of the war from her shoulders. Had hoped to be able to protect her once more. Instead, she'd sacrificed her freedom for his sake. She'd taken on a destiny she hated, for love of him. To protect him. He'd been completely helpless. Helpless to stop her, to aid her as the Innocence went through her. Though he hadn't told her, he had nightmares every time he slept. Nightmares of the blood pouring from her ankles. Nightmares of her bleeding and her pain that he could do nothing to stop. All he'd been able to do was hold her, biting his lip against the screams and wrapping her in his arms in a futile attempt to comfort and protect her. The memory of that helplessness was an agony that rivaled his grief for the dead. Waking and sleeping, that knowledge tormented him like a burning brand laid deep into his soul.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Komui gasped, swallowing back his muffled sobs in a rough gasp that he hoped sounded like a half-snore. "Oi, Supervisor." The voice was that of his second in command, Reever.

Komui flinched, rasping the sleeve of his jacket across his face in a hurried effort to wipe away his tears, then jerked his head up, slamming a mask of guilty foolishness across his features, as if he'd been caught napping. It wouldn't be the first time. He hoped the traces of his grief would be mistaken for sleep, and the raw place where he'd bitten his lip bloody would be mistaken for an accidentally reopened injury. Then he forced up a weak, guilty smile. "Ah, Captain Reever...sorry. I suppose I dozed or something. So then, did you need something?" He forced the grin a little wider. "I'm out of coffee, but..."

"Nah. I'll pass, Supervisor. Anyway, I just brought this up for you." For once, the only paperwork in his hands was a single slim folder. He held it out. "We've finished digging through the rubble in Lab Five. This is the list you wanted me to get you." His face was stern and tired, but under it was compassion and sorrow.

The list. The list of all those who were verified deceased, or missing and presumed dead, consumed by the Akuma or touched and crumbled to unrecognizable dust. Komui's smile, forced as it was, fell away instantly. He stood a long moment, then reached out and took the folder from his subordinate with hands that he had to fight to keep from shaking. "I see. Thank you." He started to turn away.

"Hey, I've got some good news, too." The words startled him, and he turned. Reever gave him a tight grin, with no joy or humor in it, but a definite sense of relief. "I stopped by the medical wing on my way up to see Johnny, and while I was there...Crowley's regained consciousness at last. Woke up while I was there, in fact."

"Crowley's awake?" A small, but much more genuine smile touched Komui's face. "That's good. I'm sure everyone is very excited." A thought darkened his mind, and the smile disappeared. "Does he...?"

Reever shook his head. "No. He hasn't been told yet, as far as I know." The section leader winced, and pain crossed the stern visage. "You know how he takes everything so personally. The others...they were all trying to act like nothing had happened, so they wouldn't upset him his first time awake. Even Johnny..." Reever choked for a moment. "Johnny was just sitting there, trying to pretend he'd only had a bit of an accident, for Crowley's sake. And we could all see how much it hurt him, but he tried so damn hard."

Komui winced, feeling the pain that knifed through him again. Reever didn't seem to notice though, his eyes looking into the distance. Then his gaze came back to Komui, and he saw in the depths of his second's eyes a pain similar to his own. "It's just...so damn terrible, isn't it Supervisor?" His jaw clenched. "We only just started recovering from that attack on the Marshalls. All our exorcists are wounded from the fight in Edo and on the Ark. And now...something like this...damn it all."

"Yes. But...we cannot give up even so." Komui sighed. "We'll have to find someone to break the news to Crowley, as gently as we can. If we don't...he'll realize, the first time he gets out of his sickbed, if not before then." Despite his naivete and uncertain self confidence, the vampire exorcist was rather sensitive to the emotions of others. "I'll tell him, in a little while." He dreaded the thought of reliving the whole thing, but it was one of his duties as the Supervisor.

"Hmmm...might be easier to get Miranda or Lenalee to tell him." Reever spoke softly. "They've got a lighter touch then you have, Supervisor." He gave Komui another tight, humorless smile. "I'll talk to them later, and see how we can best tell him. Or even Allen-kun. He and Crowley are pretty close friends. Allen's probably the first person he'll ask, if no one tells him."

Komui nodded. "It's all right. I'll speak to him. It is..."

"Nah. You stay here. I'll get one of the others." Reever shook his head.

A grateful smile touched Komui's lips briefly. "Thank you, Captain Reever. But this is...this is my duty as their Supervisor. I can..."

"You can rest. You haven't in the last three days, and you were pretty beat up, weren't you? That akuma attacked you head on, and you were on the elevator when it fell. Besides...you still have to deal with that." Reever's eyes fell on the slim folder bearing the names of the deceased. He met Komui's eyes. "You should take a break, Supervisor, and take care of that first. I'll even let you out of the rest of your paperwork, just for today."

"Reever..." Komui stared at him, then looked away. "I..." The words reminded him that his section chief was still wounded himself. He flinched inside, wondering how he could have forgotten, even for a moment, the bandages worn underneath the lab coat. His eyes flicked to the barely healed cut on one side of the man's face. "I'm...sorry..."

"You're grieving. Like you do every time." Komui looked up in shock, and met Reever's grim smile. "I remember the attack on the Marshalls. You looked so stone faced, but when you bowed to the dead, when you went to the cremation and burial...I heard your voice break. And I saw your face, when you had to refuse those finders. It hurt you. And the other day...Johnny probably didn't see it, but I saw you bow to Tapp." There was compassion in his eyes. "I saw your tears too."

Shock and an odd sort of shame filled him, that his anguish could have been so apparent. "I see. I was so obvious..." Just as well he and Lenalee had both been so busy.

"Not really. I don't think anyone else noticed. Lenalee might, but I figured there was a reason the two of you were dancing around each other." Reever shook his head, then looked away, suddenly uncomfortable. "You know...I tried cleaning here once, while you were out tending to something. And I found...a black notebook. More than one, actually. I read the first few pages." He turned to look Komui in the eyes. "That notebook, that's what you do with these kind of lists, isn't it?"

Komui stiffened. "I..."

Reever's tight grin reappeared and he shook his head gruffly. "Never mind. That's your business." He shrugged. "You take care of what you need to take care of today, Supervisor. I'll tell Jerry and Lenalee you'll eat here. Tomorrow, you can go back to talking to people, and working on repairs, and trying to dodge the paperwork I'll give you. All the stuff you normally do." he turned.

"Reever, I..." He wanted to brush it off, but he couldn't. "I...I do have my responsibilities."

"I know. But you've been doing them, the past few days. And before that, you were taking care of everything, and defending Allen-kun too." Reever looked back with a sardonic grin. "I'm only going to give you this one day, Supervisor. Don't waste it." The smile fell away. "Despite my complaints, we can't do without you, either. And it'll tear Lenalee apart if you break now." He didn't give Komui time to respond, just turned and left, shutting the door behind him.

Komui stood, staring at the closed door. Then a sad smile touched his lips. "Thank you, Reever-san." The kind words soothed his aching heart, and the truth of his statement about Lenalee was enough to ease the guilt he felt at letting another take his duty to Crowley. He stood a moment more, then turned.

The folder lay on his desk. Komui moved toward it, then stopped, his hands trembling. He wanted desperately not to touch that folder. Despite his tendency to behave in an absent-minded fashion, he had a good memory. He knew that once he took it, the faces and names inside that folder would be branded into his mind, just like the names and faces of all the others who had died before. The thought of that knowledge was almost more than he could bear.

After a moment, he turned. His leg ached as he bent to rummage in a specific pile, and his shoulder twinged, reminding him of the wounds he'd suffered. But as his hand closed around the hard spine of the notebook he'd buried there, the pain of his injuries was eclipsed by the anguish in his heart. He clenched his hand around the notebook and pulled, sending the papers toppling to the floor. He sighed, but he was used to the clutter, and his subordinates were used to seeing it increase. He rose and moved to the desk to collapse into his seat. He sat a moment, regaining his breath and steeling himself, then flicked the volume open.

Inside, the names of the dead stared back at him, each entry followed by something personal about the fallen. It was his own testament to those who died to serve the Order. Every name was written in his journals, everything he could remember about them. If the war was ever won, the Earl finally defeated, he hoped he or his successor would take these notebooks, and find the family of the fallen. He would, if he survived, take the news of those who had so bravely died himself, to return to their families with his heartfelt apologies.

Komui closed his eyes at the pain of knowing this was all he could do for the men and women who so bravely sacrificed themselves. Then he opened his eyes and began to flip through, looking for his last stopping point. His hand slowed as he touched various entries, remembering. Marshall Yeagar. Daisya Barry. Suman Dark. Treasured members of the Order. And the names of Finders who died as well. He cared for them as much as he did his exorcists, and lost them far more frequently. A cold blow wracked his heart as he realized the two hundred page volume was already half full.

Finally, he found a blank page. He stared at it a moment, then reached for a pen. He took a deep breath, then reached out and took the folder in his other hand. He flipped it open, to the first name on the first sheet, and began to write.

The transcription took him hours. Sometimes he stood, moving to his cabinets to get information. He hated resorting to files to have something to write, but even that was better than nothing, or a simple cold inscription of 'he gave his life bravely in an assault on our Order'. Other times he faltered, names and faces searing his mind as a familiar face or name hit him like a blow. John Shiver and Aaron Rishe. The two Finders who had shielded him in the elevator's fall, and died by Akuma poison, yielding even their last breaths to encourage him to fight on. Jack Loen. The Finder leading the team that had imprisoned the akuma long enough for him to try and reach Hevlaska. The man had shielded him as well, and shouted over his shoulder 'Do your best! We'll stop him here!' Even knowing then that they hadn't a hope of stopping the demon with those shields. Twenty other names and faces he saw, of men who had died protecting him, placing their bodies between him and danger.

The entries for Russell and Tapp took him over an hour to write. Despite his best efforts, he was forced to stop more than once as his control broke, shaking his hand and dripping fresh tears onto the pages. Several times, he was forced to lay aside his pen and cover his face as the sorrow tore through him anew, memories of his comrades side by side with memories of their last moments. He filled over a page for each of them, and it was nowhere near enough.

Finally, the terrible task was done. Komui finished the last entry then laid his pen aside. He shut the notebook and the folder, then stood, stretching cramped muscles as he massaged the ache out of his fingers. A glance at the clock told him it was already well into night. He was almost surprised Lenalee hadn't come up to check on him, but he was grateful for once that she hadn't. He didn't want her to see him like this, with the tracks of tears drying on his face, and the grief he knew still marked him. He suspected Reever had managed to waylay her for something, and felt a surge of gratitude toward his second in command.

Komui moved again, picking up the notebook and walking across his office to lay it unobtrusively in a bookshelf. He stopped there, finding the coffee mug he'd abandoned hours ago. The liquid within was cold and bitter, but he didn't care. He supposed he should be hungry, but he never was after sessions like this. He lifted the coffee and drank, wincing at the taste. But it would get him by until the next day. Hopefully then he'd be able to face his subordinates again with his mask back in place.

Unable to stand still, unable to endure the closed room or the thought of facing those who depended on him, Komui strode to the window of his office and threw it open. Cool night air brushed over his face. He leaned against the windowsill, breathing in the air for a moment, then tilted his gaze upward, looking toward the stars above. They glittered, bright as they always were in this tower above the cliffs. The sight of the unchanging tranquility both soothed him and broke his heart anew. It seemed somehow unfair that the stars should still shine so brightly, after all the lives that had been lost.

Komui leaned against the window, hands clenched into fists as the tears once more began to flow down his cheeks. He felt like his heart was shattering, like he was going to break, and sought an anchor in the stone. Within the torment of his raging emotions he felt the words form, desperate and anguished. He closed his eyes, putting the words together into a desperate prayer to heaven.

'Oh God...why? Why must these people, these children, suffer and die? How can I continue to send them to their fates like this? If there is...is some way to lift this dreadful burden from them...please God. Please. I will pay whatever price I must. If it would buy them an hour more peace, a day more rest, I would gladly take their burden. If it will save them, even just one, I will give myself to the Earl in their place. To save even one exorcist, even one finder...I would willingly be tormented by the Noah for eternity. He'd seen the injuries the Noah had inflicted on Allen and Lenalee, and what they had done to Marshall Yeagar before he died. He didn't care. Please God, spare them. Do not...I do not wish to send anyone else to pain and suffering and death while I stand here. Please, if there is a way for me to protect them, if there is a path where I don't have to send them out to face death...dear God, show me. I beg you...' He laid his head against the stone, tears dampening his fingers as his plea turned incoherent, carrying only the anguish of his soul. 'Oh God...'

Author's Note: I always wondered what would happen if Komui took a greater hand. This is set at the end of the anime, and so may diverge somewhat (or a lot) from any other forms of media. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy!

Fair warning, there are one or two OC's in upcoming chapters. I will try to keep them within the framework of the story, and not too many of them.