**********Hi everyone! :) If you're reading this, thanks so much for taking the first step into reading my little 'ol story about Edward and Bella. This is my first attempt at fan fiction and I know that are plenty of mistakes but I really worked hard to convey the overall concept and personality of the characters so far. Yes Edward is a Vampire in this story along with the rest of the Cullen Clan with the exception of Alice who is currently human along with Bella. While the majority of the story is my deviation I feel that it still retains the 'feeling' of the characters that I love from Stephanie Meyer. So please please leave some comments and enjoy :) ********** UPDATED 7 July 2013

I can't quite put into words how much I hate you...well maybe I can...I despise you with everything in my earthly being. Simply seeing your face is enough to make me caw out my eyes one at a time. Hearing your voice instantly causes an intense desire to shove a freshly-heated fireplace poker in my right ear and push it rapidly through to the left. Dammit! Maybe I should have chosen the ear-thing first to end it all at the beginning, but then I couldn't see your beautiful face before my life was cut short. "AHHHHHH", I groaned with frustration. Although I invoke pure delight at being branded with the loner 'who doesn't care about anyone else or their feelings' stamp (a very unique special order design), I hoped that no one in the classroom had heard my latest outburst.

It infuriated me that I could never get completely through the intensity of my deranged emotions for Edward without my brain scrambling up all my hatred and mixing in that 'stupid-love-shit' as I'd grown to affectionately refer to it as. "Class please turn to page 245 as we begin a two week long research study on World War II and its economic effects on the United States, Edward you may begin reading the first paragraph" Professor Huntington droned on in a voice as soothing as hearing a neighbors lawnmower outside your window at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning after crawling into bed mere hours before.

I foolishly glanced over to my far left to watch Edward as he begin to read. His golden-hued eyes fixed attentively on the task at hand while slowly running his long fingers through the disarrayed windstorm aftermath that was his beautiful coppery-red locks. As my breathing rate begin to increase to dangerously embarrassing levels, I glanced back down and begin to ponder over the reaction I would receive from him and our fellow classmates if I were to pick up my hefty size history book at this exact moment and chuck it straight towards his heavenly face.

Sure there would be some bloodshed and enough witnesses to put me away in a small cozy prison cell for life, but I would no longer be subjected to listening to his exquisitely alluring voice, even if it was merely to recite a mind-numbing chapter in history. Maybe then I wouldn't have to deal with my heart beating out of my chest every time he was around, calming down only slightly in order to push the blood-flow back towards my brain, beginning the familiar session of increasingly intimate thoughts of us being together. Then the realization that none of it would ever come true immediately and crudely crept back in replacing my imaginary bliss with pure self-loathing.

That was the worst part, that I could never fantasize about us together without my brain eventually strangling my heart into submission punishing me with the harsh reality of my loneliness. I wanted nothing more then to be a stereotypical teenager and doodle our names together in hearts on my notebook or spending hours dreaming of our perfect first date, but no matter how hard I try I know the truth- he doesn't even know that I exist.

Somewhere in my mental haze I heard the faint sound of the class bell and saw a shadowy outline of fingers moving back and forth in front of my eyes. Slowly the image of the classroom reappeared and with it the realization that my best friend Alice was currently telling me that I was number one in sign language; however, her specific finger usage was a few digits off. "Was Edward naked in this daydream or were you two leading up to it?" Alice so eloquently stated while snickering. "I love you too bitch" my typical response to her whenever I wanted to buy a little more time processing my thoughts after an Edward filled zone-out session. I always felt weaker after I came back down from the clouds, like my mind sucked up all my bodies energy working though my little world of Edward.

Maybe if I could just open up more to Alice I'd have a little bit more peace but I knew I never could. Getting past how embarrassing the whole situation is to me proved so difficult that I even had trouble talking to Alice about it and she's become closer then anyone I've ever known to discovering the 'real' me. Call it a family trait or a personal character flaw but the minute I'm close to sharing my truest, most intimate thoughts and feelings was when I shut down completely. I clam up as if someone had just tripped a security alarm hardwired directly into my heart.

Everything then goes into lockdown mode causing me to reverse any personal questions in the direction of the other person or cowardly running away. My only justification based on my previous failed attempts at getting close to people in the past, hell even my own mother knew what I was and wisely choose to run as soon as I was born. I'd learned that feeling lonely and being alone was significantly better than carelessly giving another the power to break my heart later on, I knew that I'd never be able to recover.

I'm quite good at being emotionally disconnected to people, so good that I feel naturally conditioned to see exactly when people want to get closer to me and quickly I begin the process of either removing them completely from my life or alienating them to the point where they can easily sense my aversion - thereby slowly forcing them to break up with me. I suppose that I somehow feel less guilty when they leave me, almost a relief that there was no longer a risk that I could damage them with all of my inner demons. I tell myself that I'm doing a self-less thing; however, I'm fully aware of the painful truth of just how immensely selfish and scared I really am. I've just chosen to bury the facts very deeply from myself.

"Most people would be happy that the last class bell has rung, and that they are free to leave this hell hole. Especially, considering its our senior year but you Bella are the exception to the norm and you are bringing me down with you. So, I fully expect you to make up these precious moments of my life either by buying me a new outfit or... ARE YOU LISTENING?!". I should have fully expected Alice's ranting, she's never been known for her patience especially when it's clear that I barely heard anything that she'd said.

"Alice I heard you, a new outfit, something-something, you love me so much that it hurts sometimes, blah blah and that you cherish the very ground I walk upon", I said sarcastically with a followup grin. "Come on lets go, I just need to stop by my locket first", I said while gathering up my previously planned murder-weapon-history book and book-bag. As we walked, I looked at her large bright ocean blue eyes, eyes that sometimes felt like that looked into my broken soul and saw all of my lies but still chose to be my friend anyway.

Turning the dial and opening my locker, I looked up at my mirror and quickly glimpsed the small crescent shaped scar centered over the tip of my nose. Seeing the scar took me back to the day Alice and I met a year ago, yet it felt like a century. I'd worked hard all 11th grade, along with the school years before, trying to remain invisible to everyone. My mission in life was to simply go to class with my head down, never speaking to anyone unless they expressly asked me a direct question but even then I was so cripplingly self-conscience that I figured they were either talking to me out of pity or for some upcoming embarrassing practical joke.

I ghosted though these hours until finally I was free to go. I always headed straight home to do any homework, fix dinner for Charlie, sleep, and then go back to my own personal silent suffering the next day. It was a routine that felt so engrained within my bones and so soothing to me that I wasn't able to tell the difference between the days anymore. Everything changed that day while stuffing books into my locker after 4th period English. While deep in thought about a upcoming essay, a thick blanket of long glossy raven black hair strands blew into my face. It was so unexpected that I was semi-disorientated, backing away quickly on instinct from my locker into stream of people rushing to lunch. Instantly I was forcefully shoved back towards my locker most likely on purpose from one of my extremely considerate classmates.

Balance off and trying to brace myself with the locker door, my nose paid the price from its rough metal edges. Glancing down I saw the blood trail starting its decent rapidly down my face. I've never had a strong tolerance for blood, in fact even the smell of it will cause me to hug the floor within seconds. That knowledge coupled with the realization that I was in the middle of a crowded hallway with nothing to hide the blood, my embarrassment, or my oncoming panic attack - I was frozen on the spot.

It felt like someone had injected some type of paralysis drug into my bloodstream, leaving my limbs immobile and all of my other senses slowly deteriorating as well. My vision had changed to nothing but a shadowy blur while I continued to feel the sensation of my heartbeat in my ears. The sound so loud that I was positive everyone could also hear it and that they would slowly begin directing their attention towards me.

"The hallway is clear and the bleeding has pretty much stopped, now lets get you to the nurse", though my haze I could barely make out the girls words and the sensation of something soft pressing against my nose. Oddly, I felt safe and somehow knew that this was sincere gesture to help me. Again I felt the tell-tell signs of another fainting spell, I tried to warn her but my vocal cords had already deserted me. The darkness overtook me but not before I heard "At least now I know why there was a second empty spot in my vision" followed by a soft twinkling laugh.