Prologue

If only things were different…

My mind raced, as I laid in the bed, staring at the dark ceiling. For a while now, I've felt like there's been something missing from my life. I just can't seem to put my finger on it though.

I sighed deeply. My boyfriend, William, lay next to me in a peaceful slumber. He loved me, and certainly I loved him. What more could I possibly want? We lived in our own apartment. We both had our own cars. We both had jobs. We had been going out for four years, and were very committed to each other. However, over the last two years, something has changed.

I haven't been in many relationships. The one prior to William only lasted two years. My ex, Brad, was an abusive man. He was much older, 16 years older to be exact. He worked where I worked as an asset protection specialist. He flirted with me first. At the time, I was only 18. I had grown up in a small town, where none of the boys were interested in an overweight girl, like myself. When I got my first job, he was the first of many men to flirt with me, but I was so naïve that I didn't realize what trouble that would bring.

We went on our first date and it was all downhill from there. After I started seeing him, I lost all but one of my friends. He was too old for me, in their eyes. I was too far under the influence of the rose-colored glasses. I took their anger for jealousy, and simply continued with my relationship. He was put together. He had his own house. He had a black Cadillac CTS and boy was that thing sleek. Brad dressed impeccably. He worked out and also had a side to him that spoke to my youth.

He beat me. Emotionally and physically. He broke the resolve I had built over the years. Within the first year not only did he cheat on me with his ex, Lisa, but he also sought the comfort of other women and men. We fought a lot about this. I knew he was in the wrong, but somehow, he always turned the blame on me. Before I knew it, we had temporarily broken up because he couldn't trust me anymore. I managed to drop out of college at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst, where I was studying Law. All for what? For a guy that had broken my heart.

For nearly two years, I remained prisoner in an abusive and trustless relationship. How could I have trusted him? He cheated on me with multiple women and men, and then proclaimed he loved me and only me, whenever I fought to leave him. He really was everything I had wanted at the time. Someone who was charismatic, had money, and could give me everything that I wanted. Or at least that's what I thought.

Perhaps, even to this day, I'm still a prisoner of that relationship. It's not that I don't love William. I do. But I often find myself thinking about how passive aggressive he is. I am guilty of comparing the two of them. I mean, I don't really have anything else to compare them to, other than fictional characters.

But does any of this really matter?

Am I really happy? I think to myself, as I roll over and look at William, sleeping peacefully. He doesn't have the slightest idea of my discontent. If he did, why would we have moved in a year ago when I started having these feelings. I roll back over, after taking a glimpse at the neon blue numbers of the alarm clock. 12:35 am. Only 4 more hours and I'll have to start another day at work.

I sigh heavily, as my thoughts consume me, closing my eyes. Maybe tonight I'll get some sleep.