Brian: This story was inspired by an episode of some cartoon I can't remember the name of. I just wrote this story to clear my bored mind in this godforsaken house that has absolutely no goddamn internet connection! This story was actually written well before it was published, but right now I'm in the Topika Airport, which, thankfully, has Wi-fi. But, you don't care. NOTE: THIS STORY IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

Mukuro: Yup! That's right!

The Escape-of-the-psycho-killer-with-a-chainsaw-and-a-hook of Haruhi Suzumiya

AKA

Haunted Forrest Syndrome


"Alright, SOS brigade, let's move out!" Our brigade leader was now currently leading us up a humungous mountain, doing what she does best: being annoying.

Now, why are we climbing up a mountain, you might ask? The answer is quite simple. Haruhi, being the bipolar person that she is, went into a state of melancholia, due to the recent lack of mysterious things happening in her life. And that is what prompted her to find a newspaper article about a legendary lake in the forest, which holds inside it a ferocious sea monster. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Koizumi just happened to leave the article on her desk? I'll get him for that later. The day started out as any normal (?) day in the club would have.


Flashback

"Check" Koizumi said, grinning as he moved his knight onto my unprotected queen.

Bastard! If you win, you'll ruin my record, dammit!

"I'm very sorry, Kyon." He said, smiling in a way that told me he wasn't sorry in the least "but I have to at least try to beat you."

"Alright, it's decided!" Haruhi shouted from her newspaper so loud it almost caused me to fall out of my chair.

What's decided?

"The SOS brigade has been idle for too long!" Haruhi shouted, shoving some old newspaper into my face. "While we've been away relaxing, the mysterious phenomena have been lazy, and are beginning to be discovered! I won't stand for it, though! If there is anything mysterious going on, the SOS brigade will be the first to discover it! And so, Kyon, we have to go sea monster hunting! We'll need harpoon guns, and a speed boat, oh and the top quality radio equipment…"

I knew it was suicide, but I had to interrupt her.

Isn't this kind of dangerous?

"…and some food, some sea monster bait, hey, wait… I wonder what they eat, anyway? Well, they can just have some old sardines… and some camping gear, we might be up there for a while…"

Am I the only one in this place who has any common sense?

"Kyon, I need you to find some people we can mooc-borrow money from?" Haruhi said, apparently finished with her drabble.

Well…

"Oh, how about those two friends of yours… um… what were their names?"

If you're going to memorize my friends, you can at least remember their names.

"There's no time for that!" Haruhi shouted, about to go into some long speech when the door busted open.

"Hey, Haru-chan! I heard all abouts it!" Tsuruya-sans annotiing voice rang out from somewhere in the vicinity of the doorway.

"Oh, Tsuruya-san!" Haruhi said, momentarily distracted. "How's it going?"

"Oh it's going greats, nyoro! Now, about the trip, I can provide you with provisions, a high class boat, some radio equipment, and camping gear! Now about delivery…"

"Oh, that's fine, I'll just have Kyon do it!"

Whoa, wait a minute! Are you seriously going to make me carry a speedboat, several thousand dollars worth of radio equipment, and camping gear in a knapsack? What do I look like, Doraemon?

"Good point, you'll probably drop everything…"

"Okays, it's decided, megas! My personal van will drop everything off at the campsite."

Wait, do we get a ride?

"Of course not, Kyon! We need to keep everyone in tip top physical shape!" Haruhi then turned to the rest of the brigade. "Now, SOS brigade, we depart tomorrow!"

Flashback End


Tip top physical shape is one thing, but I did NOT sign up for this! I then pointed to my sister, who I was forced to carry on my shoulders.

"Kyon, what are you going to do about it?' Haruhi shouted, turning to look down on me. "You can't think of letting an eleven year old girl do something like this!"

I can't even imagine making a seventeen year old girl do something like this.

I then glanced down at Asahina-san, who was currently struggling to crawl up the mountain, having lost the energy to walk long before.

I will spare the details of our mountain climb, all I wanted to do was collapse inside my tent when we finally arrived, but I was in for another surprise.

"Two tents?" Taniguchi said, pointing at the two tents set up around the campsite. "So I have to sleep with these guys? He said pointing to the three other guys besides him.

What's wrong with us?

"What, you expected individual tents?" Haruhi said, giving Taniguchi her death glare.

"No, but I didn't want to be in the same tent with these idiots!" He said, starting to cry. "I should at least be paired up with Tsuruya or Asahina-sempai!"

"What exactly did you plan on doing to my brigadiers? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell?" Haruhi said, grinning her grin that meant someone was going to die.

"You know, sometimes I wish that some psycho killer would come and kill you guys!" Haruhi shouted, shaking Taniguchi back and forth.

Please don't say that…


That night…

"We interrupt whatever dull, boring radio program you may have been listening to too give you this news bulletin." The radio interrupted, sounding almost as if the announcer was laughing. "There has been a serial killer who has recently escaped prison on the loose, near the sea monster lake. If you see anyone wearing a hocky mask and carrying a chainsaw with a hook for a hand, please contact local authorities. That is all. Ahahaha! Now, to 'happy tunes' the tunes that will make you smile.

Haruhi switched off the radio. We all looked at each other for about a minute.

"Well, it's time to go to bed!" Haruhi said, walking to her tent.

"WHAT!" Taniguchi shouted, totally freaking out. But there's an escaped convict out here! With a chainsaw and a HOOK!"

"You heard the announcer laughing. It was probably just a joke." Haruhi said, zipping up her tent, with the girls inside it. Then, she stuck her head outside. "Oh, and if it isn't, we can just contact the police when we wake up."

"Actually, the radio we brought was a one way deal. We get transmissions, but we can't contact people." Tsuruya said from somewhere in her tent.

Oh, that's just great.


It is now currently 2:00 o'clock in the morning. And I cannot fall asleep. One reason was that Taniguchi made me leave the tent to be sentry duty for the killer. It is freezing cold out here, and everyone else is asleep. The other reason would be that Koizumi is keeping me company and talking to me philosophically.

"Well, Kyon, think about it this way. Even if there is a psycho on the loose, we have Nagato with us."

Good point.

"And, you've got me."

Not so good point.

"And look, you said it yourself. Haruhi would never wish for anyone to die, right?"

Yeah, I guess.

"See, look at that bird." He said, pointing to the owl on the branch several feet away from us. "If there was a killer here, that owl would know, right? So there's nothing to be afraid of, right?"

Right.


"Wrong." The man sitting at the computer console said, grinning. He was currently staring at Kyon through the tiny owl spy cam he had placed there.

He then brushed a lock of green hair out of his eyes and said, grinning, "my dear Kyon, you will find that there are many, many things to be afraid of. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


Brian: So, how was it?

Mukuro: I bet it's so good, you want to review just to say how good it is, right? Right?

Brian: Shut it. Review if you feel like it…