"It is hot and it hurts so much."

.

.

"Captain Crawley? Can you hear me?"

He tries to nod und rasps an almost silent "Yes."

"We are sending you home Captain. You've been lucky. You could have been killed."

"Bates?" he asks. Bates is his batman. He saved his life.

"Has already been sent home. He only sustained an injury in the knee. It may or may not heal. Your shoulder will heal. But it will be very painful. The infection has gone away, your fever has been reduced. You are not fit for active duty so you have to return home."

"Thank you doctor," he says, feeling his strength leaving him again.

"Clarkson. Richard Clarkson." He must remember those names. John Bates and Dr. Richard Clarkson. He'd be dead without them.

The next time he wakes, he is already on a ship and the first thing he does is vomit onto the floor next to the bed.

"Do you need any help?" a nurse asks him but he shakes his head. "Seasick. My wife thinks it is funny."

"Your wife can't be very nice then."

"She is very nice. I miss her. And our daughters. We have three little girls. Wonderful girls."

"How old are they?" The nurse has now sat down next to him.

"Mary is 10, Edith is 9 and Sybil is 6."

"And you don't have a son."

"No."

"I am sorry."

"Why?" he asks in utter bewilderment. This woman does not know him after all and he isn't sorry Cora and he don't have a son. He would have liked to have one and the same is true for Cora but some things just aren't to be.

"Aren't you a future earl? That's what it says on here," the nurse says, waving a paper, probably his file.

"There is an heir. A cousin of mine. Lovely young boy about Mary's age. He will be a good earl some day."

"And your wife?" He has no idea why the nurse asks him all these questions but maybe she just wants to see whether he can hold a normal conversation.

"Wonderful woman. God I miss her."

"So it was a love match?"

"It certainly is now," he says and can't help smiling.

"Wonders never cease," the nurse says and then gets up to take care of another patient. Robert wonders for a moment what the nurse meant but she was probably referring to the fact that aristocratic marriage are not very often based on love. But his certainly is. Love wasn't the reason he pursued Cora, he is now very ashamed of having pursued her for her money, but it came along quickly.

The journey back to England takes an unbearably long time and he wonders whether he will be home before Christmas. He doubts it very much. The pain in his shoulders eases a little but his longing for his family becomes ever greater.

When they arrive in England he doesn't even know where they are and before he can ask any questions he is put into military coach. Apparently he is to be taken to London. In London he is picked up by someone from the War Office where he has to go answer questions concerning how he sustained his injury. He is then examined by another military doctor and told that in all likelihood he wouldn't have to return to South Africa. Only when he is outside again, left alone on the streets of London with a hurting shoulder, freezing because it has begun the snow does he realize what he has just been told. He survived the war. He looks up and feels the snow falling on his face and feels as if he was stung by a thousand bees. He is not used to this kind of cold. It had always been so warm in South Africa. He misses the warmth.

He boards a train towards York and realizes only when he is on the train that he should have visited Rosamund but somehow he isn't sad that he momentarily forgot about his sister. He isn't ready to talk to anyone yet, least of all her who lost her husband in the war six months ago. The news of Maramduke's death had shocked him. Just as the whole war shocked him. He imagined it to be a camping trip in a warm country with shooting exercises. What it was was a bloody nightmare that you had to survive, no matter how. He has always been a good shot, even at 12 when his father took him along for the hunt for the first time. And because he is a good shot, he shot at people during the war and killed them. The first few had hurt and he had prayed for their souls but eventually that feeling had subsided to be replaced by coldness towards most other people around him. Except for his batman. John Bates had become his friend, they were more than just an officer and his servant. John Bates saved his life. He hasn't seen him since that faithful day and realizes that he misses him.

There is no one he can talk to, all he hears is the rhythmic rumbling of the train wheels. He falls into a doze that has him half asleep and half awake and he imagines seeing his family again. But ironically, the closer he gets to York, the closer he gets to Downton after changing trains in York, the less excited he becomes. He longed for his wife and children, in a manner even his parents and sister, so much when he was on the ship but all that is fading against the fear of them not wanting him anymore. He doesn't know why they wouldn't want him anymore but he feels as if the country did not want him anymore. All this bloody snow that is completely white.

When he gets of the train in Downton village there is no one to pick him up which emphasizes his feeling of not being welcome. He decides to walk to the Abbey despite the pain in his shoulders and to avoid the main roads. He would have to talk to people if he was seen and he is not in the mood to talk. On his way through the woods he slips on snow and leaves that have fallen of the trees and he thinks that it is all wrong, that it should be warm and that that bloody white snow should go away. But instead it intensifies. He has to remind himself that he is in North Yorkshire now. When the Abbey looms in front of him he considers turning around and going to London to visit Rosamund after all but he knows that his duty lies at Downton and doing his duty is what his life is about after all.

Of course there is no one there to greet him and he knows deep down that he should be happy about this because he can now surprise his family and see the joy on their faces. He isn't sure whether they will experience any joy in seeing him. They obviously don't know that he is coming home, otherwise they'd have sent a carriage. Or stand waiting for him in front of the Abbey where there is no one. So he rings the doorbell like some common visitor and it is Carson, newly appointed head butler who opens to door for him. The man is his true stuck up self and only whispers 'my lord', when he sees him.

"Don't tell them," he says and the young butler nods. He walks into the entrance hall and finds his family and almost all of the indoor staff there decorating the tree. No one notices him and he thinks that rather fitting his mood. Until Mary turns around and looks him squarely in the eyes, understanding and wonder dawning on her face.

She is now 10 years old, almost eleven and on her way to becoming a young lady. But her face changes from composed mild interest to childish utter joy when she realizes that her Papa has really come home and he feels the ice around his heart he hadn't even known was there melt. She wants to shout and run but he puts a finger to his lips, shakes his head and winks at her. She nods, smiles, winks back and returns to decorating the tree. He feels that he has to watch this scene in silence, to let it all sink in. He wants to watch it for hours and hours to get used to being home but quite contrary to his wishes, Sybil then turns around and sees him too and although he shakes his head at her, she comes to him but at least she doesn't run. She stands in front of him and despite himself he leans down and picks her up, something he regrets immediately. Sybil has become quite a lot heavier than he remembers and his shoulder feels as if it was torn apart.

"Papa," his little girl whispers and kisses his cheek. It makes him feel a lot warmer but it doesn't make his shoulder hurt any less. "I missed you Papa," Sybil whispers into his shoulder and it almost makes him cry. "I missed you too," he says to her.

"Will you stay?" his little girl asks with such a tremor in her voice that he wishes he had never left.

"Probably yes."

"So that Queen of Country doesn't need you anymore?"

"Who is the Queen of Country?" he asks. He has no idea what his youngest daughter is talking about.

"Mama says you have to fight for the Queen of Country." It makes him laugh, he can't help it.

"For Queen and Country," he says. "And I was injured a little so I probably can't go back and fight."

"Injured Papa? Are you sick?"

"No Sybil. My shoulder hurts a little."

"Then you should put her down," Mary says and he sees both Mary and Edith standing right in front of him. Apparently Mary turned around again and when she saw that Sybil was already with him, she wanted to come to him too, Edith in tow. He really puts Sybil down then and gives both Mary and Edith a hug. Both of his older girls begin to cry and it breaks his heart. He had no idea how much it would affect his daughters that he wasn't there.

He watches Cora and quite despite the fact that both his parents are there, she seems to be the one the servants turn to with their questions. He supposes that is because she is so much nicer than his mother. Eventually she seems to notice that her daughters aren't around her anymore and she looks around searching for them. When she turns towards him and sees him standing in front of one of the pillars in his uniform, surrounded by their daughters she halts in her movements, stares, drops the ornaments she is holding and then begins walking towards him. He sees that it is hard for her not to run but she doesn't and he thinks it is a bit ridiculous. When she reaches him their daughters move of their own accord to let their mother pass and Cora wraps her arms around him, he pulls her close, she whispers "Robert, thank god," and he feels nothing besides emptiness.


AN: I am so sorry this is late but life just got in the way as it sometimes does. That is also the reason why I haven't reviewed (or in fact read) any of the other stories of this exchange. But I will get to that, I promise.

I know I also still owe a Violet/Patrick story, I hope to be able to put it up either Christmas Day or Boxing Day but I can't make any promises on that.

Anyway, I hope you like this and let me know what you think of it!

In case we don't 'see' each other before the big day, merry Christmas to you all!

Kat