If I admitted it to myself I had been feeling tired for along time. In particular these last few months after Elliot left have been particularly hard. I had been questioning my abilities as a cop, not relating to victims as well as I used to, in general I'm just tired and feeling off.
I know Cragen said that I had to let El go and become a team player but I just can't, he even gave me his semper fidelis medallion which I wear everyday as a reminder of our partnership. Amarno is an ok cop but he's not Elliot.
Amarno and Rollins remind me of Elliot and myself particular when Amarno beat up the perp when Rollins used herself as bait. And when I look at them and see that and then glance around the squad room and see all these young kids in uniforms my mind wanders to how much longer I can realistically keep doing this without it consuming me.
After the verdict I decided to go for a walk to try and clear my head, before I knew it I wound up hailing a cab and heading straight to the one place, the one person who would understand how I was feeling. Just as we had years ago we sat outside on the steps drinking tea. Silence was abundant I didn't know where to start; there was so much I needed to say.
"El. I'm sorry for just showing up, I just needed someone to talk to."
"You don't need an invitation, what's up?" he asked genuinely concerned
" It's just…., these last few months have been so hard. I feel like I'm losing my touch and I'm all out of sync, the newbies are doing ok but I just keep second guessing myself and I'm tired I'm really tired. Like we put away the scum of the earth and then five more pop up on our radar, when is it going to stop? I feel like this job is consuming my entire life."
"Liv, I'm so sorry for leaving and I understand feeling out of sync, you're a great cop never doubt that. Always listen to your insincts, maybe it is time you step back and into a new phase of your life. You can only take so much horror before it destroys you."
"Thanks El"
"No problem, so how are the newbies?" he asked
"they remind everyone of a younger version of me and you in the way that Amaro is very protective of Rollins. So what have you been doing lately?"
"No one could ever replicate what we had. He said with a growl "I have just finished decorating my apartment. It's actually not to far away from your apartment, I was gonna call and tell you that Kathy and I are over and that we are living in the same neighbourhood but I wanted to give you time to adjust and I needed to sort some things out. I hope you understand."
" I'm so sorry to here about you and Kathy but I understand why you didn't call. What do you say about grabbing a bite to eat? "
"My shout ?" he asked
"yep" I said with a giggle
Diner was nice, we caught up with what was had been going on in each other lives. Before either one of us realised it was the early hours of the morning , so we decided to head back to Elliot's apartment and I would head home at a more appropriate hour.
"Liv"
"mhmmm"
"Tonight was the most fun I have had in a long long time. I have missed you more then you will ever know and again I'm so sorry for leaving but do you think we could make this a regular occurance and see where it takes us?"
"I have missed you to El and I would love to make this a regular thing and see where it would take us" I told him lacing my fingers through his
"Oh and by the way I have decided that I am going to take my vacation time and decide what I want to do"
"Liv I think that is a great idea and I will here to help you decide whats best for you and I will support you no matter what" he told me placing a kiss on my forehead before opening the his apartment and pulling me in and onto the couch.
