At breakfast, Hogwarts was abuzz. The "Defence Against the Dark Arts" professorship was vacant once again.

Hermione sighed. "This is beginning to become tedious."

"Maybe, but what did you suspect?" said Ron. "Have we ever had a Dark Arts professor that lasted long?"

"No, but they usually last most of the school year. This one didn't last one full day until he... how did it all go, Harry?"

Harry recited from a parchment he had been reading. "'Possessed by Voldemort, attacked by dementors, struck on the head by a stray bludger, cursed, jinxed, and leg-humped by Fluffy.'" Harry put the parchment down. "Frankly, I'm surprised he survived to resign."

"So who do you suppose..." Hermione was interrupted by an announcement from the head table.

Professor Dumbledore spoke. "Students of Hogwarts, good morning. I'm sorry to inform you that Professor Totfleisch, our Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor, has elected to return to his former position at Durmstrang. While we hope to quickly find a..." Dumbledore made the quotation marks sign with his fingers. "...'permanent' replacement from our list of qualified suckers--I mean, applicants--we do have a temporary substitute who should be arriving this morning. Thank you, carry on."

The chatter in the hall instantly turned to speculation about the temporary professor's identity. "You don't suppose ti might be Moody... or Lupin?"

Ron grunted. "Forget it, Harry, you know we aren't that lucky. It's gonna be Umbridge again."


Hermione looked at her schedule. "Well, we've got double D.A.D.A. for our first class today, so it looks like we'll find out soon enough."

In the Defence Against the Dark Arts clasroom, the Gryffindor and Slytherin students were waiting on tenterhooks for their new professor's arrival.

Curiousity was so strong that even though the class was ten minutes late in starting, not one student had even suggested the idea of sneaking out.

The door opened and Dumbledore walked in. "Oh, everyone here already? Good, good. Professor, this way, please." He stood at the rear of the classroom and motioned the new teacher forward.

"But I'm not a professor, sir" came a voice that was suspiciously female, high-pitched, cute and sexy.

And as she walked in, her figure fulfilled all the promises her voice had made. Her hair was blonde and short, and just untidy enough to appeal to man's baser instincts. She was not tall, but her figure was far from petite.

Ron was agog. "Take a look at those, er... owls" he said sotto voce to Harry.

"Yes... nicest owls I've ever seen."

Hermione had a blank look on her face for a moment before she worked out the math (Owls hoot... therefore Owls Hooters). After which, she gave both Ron and Harry a good smack on the back of the head.

"Hey, that hurt. Anyway, what's that weird thing she's wearing? It looks muggleish."

"Looks like maybe an Army uniform?"

"No, Harry, they don't have miniskirts in the Army, do they? It looks more like a police uniform to me."

The teacher faced the class. "It's a little of both." Harry and Hermione jumped a bit... they thought they had been speaking inaudibly. "Hello, boys and girls. My name is Seras Victoria. I'm here on loan from the Hellsing Organization to teach you how to defeat certain magical creatures."

Hermione had her hand up. "Yes, you there in the front."

"Professor Victoria... are we going to be using our wands today?"

"Wands? No, sorry, no. I won't be teaching you magic today or at any time."

This statement caused quite a bit of consternation. From the rear of the room, Dumbledore spoke up. "Miss Victoria is not, in point of fact, a witch. She is, however, very qualified in... alternative means of defense. Carry on, Miss Victoria."

"Thank you, Professor. Right, then. Our first topic is ghouls. My preferred means for fighting ghouls is the 30 mm 'Harkonnen' Cannon, but it's a bit tricky to use since it's a single-shot breech loader. Practice makes perfect, though, so we've put together a makeshift firing range. Let's get down there and get started, shall we?"

Class would never be the same again.