"Pass me another one!" Kevin Ryman, the exuberant officer yelled out at the bar keep.

"Dammit Kevin! You're gonna die of alochol poisoning if you keep at it!" the man behind the bar told him.

"Right..." Kevin said, rolling his eyes. He looked over at the other guys around the bar. Some of them had broken up with their girlfriend's, wives, whatever. Officer Ryman didn't care; He was just here to have a good time, drink some booze, and laugh with his good chums whom he had just met two minutes ago.

"Hey buddies," Kevin spoke up to the men he hardly even knew. "Have I ever told you about the time I defeated Moby Dick?" He rung up his glass and drank it back, putting it back on the bar. "Pass me another," he told the bar keep.

"No."

"Well fuck you then. Anyway, it all started on a cold, November morning..."

-------------------

I was riding out to sea with my two good friends, Mack and Nathan. We were hunting the great white whale, Moby Dick, with an intent to kill. Mack's son and daughter were killed by the beast, and after he was done eating their bones, it slept with Nathan's wife.

"Son of a bitch whale... how am I going to explain to the kids at the office how my son looks nothing like me and is 300 pounds!" Nathan complained. He's always complaining, the stuck up little tart.

"Shut up Nathan," I said, one knee up on the very front of the boat as it sailed forward at excess of mach speed squared. A normal man would've died this far in front, but not good ol' Kevin, no siree.

--------------------

"You're full of shit Ryman!" one of the drunk bastards at the bar said to him.

"Shut up! Who asked you anyway?" Kevin asked ducking out of the way of a beer bottle flung at him. "Anyway, continuing with the tale..."

-------------------

We were flying down the open sea, going fast enough to whip skin off your bones. And then we saw it!

"Sir! It's the white whale! Moby Dick!" It came crashing out of the water; It's eyes were blood red and it's soul merciless. It knew but one thing: How to kill.

"Oh my God!" Mack yelled, dying of a heart attack when it came into sight.

"Dammit Mack!" I yelled, punching him in the chest and bringing him back to life from the shock.

"Thanks Kevin, I almost died back there."

"You may still die yet. Look!" I pointed grimly as the whale opened it's mouth wide to reveal 500 ravor sharp teeth, built like chainsaws and quivering with the insane might of the monster. It's nostrils spewed out grey smoke, and blood flew out of it's blow hole.

The might beast charged the boat, it's intent to destroy it with enough force to shake the Earth's core, killing all of humanity. But it didn't count on good ol' Kevin Ryman to be there.

"That bastard is gonna kill us all! Nathan! My harpoon gun!" I lept from the front and held my hand out towards Nathan, who at the time was driving the boat and couldn't see the whale, therefore not die of a heart attack.

He threw the gun towards me, and I quickly caught it and aimed it at the white monstrosity.

"Kill it Ryman, for my wife!" Nathan yelled as the monster opened it's mouth even wider. And that's when I saw it.

Deep within it's cavernous mouth lay the very entrance to hell itself. The souls of the damned and demons flew around within it, trying to escape everything outside of the beasts belly. I was too stunned to fire, when suddenly, out of the depths of hell itself came the largest, most destructive nuclear missle ever to be seen by man!

"Dear God, if that thing fires, it'll destroy the whole universe!" I had one chance, and this was it. It was now, or never. Do or die. Large or small. Diet Coke or regular. Pepsi or Coke. Paper or plastic. The purple drapes or the flowery ones.

With all my might I pulled the trigger of the gun, the force of it sending me flying back against a wall. The harpoon flew forward just as the giant whale, Moby Dick, prepared to fire. It inserted through his abdomen and flew forward, striking him right in the heart. The ugly beast's eyes shrunk as it's entire body exploded, sending our ship flying through the air.

When we came to, me, Nathan, and Mack had crash landed in the middle of a miami nude beach party. Oh did I get laid. A lot.

------------------

"And that my friend's is the story of how I defeated Captain Hook," I said proudly, lighting a cigarette. "They even made a novel of it too. They called it, 'Alice in Wonderland.'"

The other bar patrons stared at Kevin for a bit before one of them finally spoke up. "Ryman, you are so full of shit, I am wondering how the hell you aren't labeled 'Manure' and being used as fertilizer."

Kevin leaned back and took a long drag from his cigarette. "Really?" He stuffed it into the ashtray, burning it out. "Well then, maybe you would like my foot a mile into your ass!"

Kevin slammed into a street light when he was flung out of the bar, injuring his back slightly.

"God, DAMMIT!" he yelled out holding onto it. He cracked his jaw and shook himself as he stood. "Well, the night's still young. Maybe I'll find another bar, one with friendlier people. And if I can't, I know J's will welcome me."

With a last look at the slightly bent street lamp, Kevin started off into the night.