The Paradoxical Encounter Between the Shield and the Spear
Lady Eldaelen
. O .
"And here's all the phone numbers you could possibly need, though if something comes up that you and Vegeta can't handle, we'll all probably be dead anyway."
"Bulma!"
"What? Sweet Kami, you know it's true, Chi Chi."
"The last thing I want to leave Gohan thinking about is the end of the world!"
"Not like it wouldn't be the first time."
Chi Chi gave a strangled grunt of exasperation that Bulma waved off with a chuckle.
"Come on now, we're going to be late," Bulma's mother interjected. "Gohan will do just fine."
Bulma planted another kiss on the boy in her arms before handing him over to the lanky teen blushing deeper with every remark. He gently unfurled the grip baby Trunks immediately seized on his hair, while his mother settled his brother in the playpen they'd set up in the Briefs' den. Chi Chi then enveloped her oldest in a hug before gathering her suitcase and coat.
"We'll be back at the end of the week."
"Bye, dears," Dr. Briefs replied absently from his spot on the couch, not quite looking up from the paper he was reading. "Enjoy yourselves."
"Do try to remember to eat," his wife called back.
. O .
"In a car this high-tech, you'd think they'd packed snacks somewhere," Archer groused from the driver's seat as he sped across the open rocky desert.
"It's a rental, Archer," Lana pointed out from the passenger's seat.
"A rental air car! We're flying in a freaking air car a hundred feet off the ground! Why doesn't everyone everywhere have these yet?"
"Isn't that the whole reason for this mission?" Ray asked from the back seat.
A gently patterned ping sounded. As unassuming as the noise was, by the sixth repeat, everyone was frowning.
"Archer-"
"What, Lana?! I'm driving-"
"Are you going to answer the damn phone?"
Ping ping ping!
Ping ping ping!
Ping-
"Is that what-"
"YES!"
Archer started fiddling with the knobs and buttons on the unfamiliar dash.
Ping ping ping!
"Oh, for the love of-" Ray exclaimed, reaching through the gap in the first row to flip a switch and press a few buttons. "This thing is more like a plane. I told you I should have been the one to drive."
A head's-up video display popped on and with it the ceasing of the alarm. Malory Archer's face filled up the dash, larger than life-sized, every worry line and crease in her frown rendered in high-def detail.
. O .
"God dammit, Cyril, how did you get to drive?!" Pam groaned from her spot in the passenger's seat.
"Because I've got the highest aggregate scores in the simulators- AND the least number of points on my license," Cyril shot back.
"But this thing drives like a damn dualie," Pam argued. "And in my life before drift racing for the Yakuza, I went from crawling to racing one of those in the pastures before I learned how to ride a bike!"
"Why are we even here instead of at the spa with Lana anyway?!" Cheryl yelled from the back seat.
"Because I'm here as an actual field agent," Pam explained, not for the first time that day, "and since this plan will most likely go tits up, you're here as the wild card."
"But why do we have to be all undercover to Mr. Archer and Ray and Lana, too?"
"So when they get cockblocked by the⦠whatever crazy-ass security they run into, we can jump in as the sneak attack second wave."
"Oh, God, I'm going to die at the hands of some foreign nightmare and Lana's not even going to know I was attempting to be brave!" Cyril moaned.
"Look on the bright side. If it goes to plan, at least you'll last longer than Archer."
. O .
"Mother, we haven't been gone a full day yet."
"With the time change you have."
"God, Mother, haven't you heard of relativity? We can't be held accountable for your perceived reference frame of time."
"Which is endless and predates the dinosaurs-" Ray muttered under his breath.
"What was that, Ms. Gillette?"
"Nothing, honey, your hair looks great!"
"Oh, stuff it. Lana, darling, are you sure it's wise to have Abbiejean with you?"
"Malory, we've been over this. AJ is, if anything, safer with me than anyone else, barring having Woodhouse watch her."
Archer, Ray, and Malory all looked at her doubtfully. From behind Archer, Abbiejean giggled in her carseat.
"Fine!" Lana relented. "Honestly, I actually just prefer her with me."
"Besides, Mother," Sterling emphasized, "you said Lana's targets are holing up at that fancy hotel spa. She deserves some relaxation time. I mean, of course, after everything goes off without a hitch."
"Good god, man, did you even open the intel file?"
"No! Ray! You know dossiers get in the way of my process-"
"Sterling, dear, you might want to read this one."
"Please, Mother."
"All right," Malory conceded, perhaps realizing the futility of her request. She took a sip of her scotch instead. "But I wish you'd at least let Ray drive."
"See?!"
"Oh, sorry- there's some- interference with the connection-" Archer lied, cutting off the feed.
AJ gave another gurgle of delight and waved at the space where Malory's head had been.
Another moment of silence passed as the three adults exchanged looks. Then Archer narrowed his eyes and,
"Shut up! Both of you!"
. O .
Notes: I shotgunned the entirety of Archer on Netflix a couple of months ago. This nonsense came out three days before I started a writing class last month. It could probably be a long one-shot, but fiddling with the missing bits of this story is hindering my focus to write for the class. These chapters are going to be short and ridiculous.
