Title: Repent for Believing
Author: Ainahim
Rating: PG
Summary: Drabble, spoilers if you haven't read up to 58. Mello left the orphanage for many reasons. One was to escape L's so-called promises.
AN: I like it when people write about L and Mello and Near at the orphanage or wherever. I think it's kind of cool because there's a lot that hasn't been explained and can be explored. I tried to get into a possibility of almost-15-year-old-Mello's head. Yikes.
Disclaimer: Death Note. Not mine. Yeah. I do own a mass-produced Death Note though. But it didn't work. Believe me. I've tried it.
LLL
Replaying everything that had just happened I realize how stupid I must have sounded back there. The early November air is surprisingly chilly this year, but that could be me. I hope it's me, because I can't seem to think of anywhere to stay tonight but outside. I think it over once again.
"He promised he would see Kira dead! L was killed…? Are you sure!"
That's where it was. The moment where I dropped a part of me that I wasn't even sure was there. That part doesn't really care about being number one.
"He promised he would see Kira dead!"
There's a part of me that just believed L no matter what, that only thought of him. But it was natural for us to think about L. We were being raised to succeed him. It just…didn't always feel like a successor and a predecessor…
Damn chilly Novembers. Making me think that I actually looked up to L. There's a laugh riot.
Can't find an inn. Getting cold. Stupid Europe.
I finally find myself in a corner on one of the dark streets with no one there. No one even lurking in the shadows. I sink down, trying to think of what they wanted me to do. Work with Near? As a direct result of one of L's broken promises? Never. They should know that would be the worst possible thing they could ask me.
Biting into a piece of chocolate, I feel very unsatisfied. How can a dead man make me not want to eat chocolate? This is humiliating. Nevertheless, I reluctantly set the bar down on top of my few other things in the small pack, and I sit. And I think, as I always do.
It sounds like he didn't even give any thought to us at all. L didn't choose either of us. You'd think that he'd set aside some time to think about all of us at the orphanage.
No. Why would he do that? He was busy. Too busy to visit over the summer like he said he would, too. Which was a promise he made on top of another promise he broke.
L was busy, damn it. He couldn't spare two or three days with a mass murderer on the loose.
But, as long as I don't ever have to admit it to anyone else, I can admit it to myself. It mattered to me. I wanted him to be able to see us. I wanted him to fulfill our duty to us instead of just his jobs.
He was always saying he'd make it up to me. That he had to see Kira dead first.
Well, guess what, L? Kira's still out there and that's just another promise shattered, thus the other ones under it can't be covered up by that excuse any more.
Do you know how much you owe me? There are so many things you said you'd make up to me one day.
And like a total idiot, I believed you. Just that makes me completely unworthy of being your successor. Being that stupid to trust you so much.
My eyes drift to the chocolate bar with one bite once again. I pick it up and steadily take another. Screw those promises. I'll catch Kira. I hope L's watching; I'll prove to him that I don't need his steady words of assurance to function.
I didn't look up to him. There's no way I will ever again allow myself to admit I looked up to him.
One more time, I repeat the line in my head.
"He promised!"
I have to repent for the stupidity of believing in L's promises.
