Vampire Half
Notes - Not sure what to do with this so I'm dropping it here in case someone thinks it's amusing. It's kinda just a gag fic about Ranma dying over and over, not even sure if it's worth continuing. Might end up sticking it in my Dead Files.
I've cleaned this up a little, changing Death's speech to have quotes around it, but leaving it caps as that appears to be the most common form used in other fics featuring Terry Pratchett's Death.
Death is Only the Beginning...
"It burns! It burns! Waaaah!" The pained cry from one Ranma Saotome broke the silence that had fell over the training grounds of Jusenkyo. Actually, it was more like it shattered it with a heavy blunt object and kept battering at the tiny pieces of it's corpse until it was a broken, bruised and a bloody unidentifiable jelly like lump.
Ranma wasn't one to usually panic and run around in circles with arms flapping uselessly like some kind of demented ostrich that thought it could really fly, well, unless he had run into a cat, but that was neither here nor now. You see, Ranma had just pulled himself, or now herself, out of the cursed pool of drowned vampire girl, who according to what she had heard seconds before hitting it from the Jusenkyo Guide had drowned tragically there over three hundred years ago. The newest member of the undead had no idea why she had suddenly felt very, very hot. Neither did she know why the end of her ponytail burst into flame, but even if she did, the results would be the same anyway. Screaming like a little girl on fire.
Above the cursed pools, an athletic giant panda, balanced on one of the bamboo poles sticking out of the pools and watched on in horror. The panda bear isn't known for being especially active or as skilled as this one was. That was because it was actually Ranma's father, Genma Saotome, recently cursed to be the black and white bear.
'I'm a panda and the boy is a girl! Nodoka is going to kill us,' Genma thought to himself.
"Stop whinging like a little girl, boy!" Genma called out in disgust as Ranma continued to scream at the top of her lungs and wave her arms about as her skin became to smoke. Even if Ranma could have collected herself enough to ignore the burning pain and listen, she would only have heard "Growlf! Growl! Rawr!"
Ranma's cries increased in pitch as with a whumph of igniting fire, her entire body went up in flames. The inhuman screech of pain and terror that chilled right to the bone was enough to make even Genma realise that something was *really* wrong with Ranma. The literally fiery redhead fell to her knees and held her hands up as if begging for release, even as the flames consumed her flesh in mere moments, far too quick to be natural. Her screams faded as any soft tissue fell off her skeleton as dust, before even the remaining bones collapsed in on themselves and joined the rest of Ranma's remains. All that was left of the cursed martial artist was a small, grey pile of dust and ash.
THe Jusenkyo Guide stood numbly and wondered what had just happened. In all his years as the caretaker of Jusenkyo, he had never seen one of its victims spontaneously combust after exiting a pool. Not knowing what else to do he removed his hat and held it close to his chest in a show of respecting the dead. "Poor Mr. Customer, no?"
Genma jumped down to where Ranma had burned to death before his eyes and fell to his knees. He placed his paws either side of the pile of ash before crying his sorrow to the heavens. "Goooorrrrwwwwwlf!" which translated from panda meant "Nodoka will definitely kill me now!"
x-x-x
"Huh? It...it don't hurt anymore," Ranma Saotome stated in surprise as he could no longer feel the intense burning pain. He took a moment to examine his arms and pat his chest to confirm what he was feeling. He was not a girl anymore and he was most definitely was not on fire.
"I'm a guy...Hahahaha! It was all just a freaky dream! You see this Pops? I'm not a girl at all!" Ranma laughed as he watched his father land next to him.
"Goooorrrrwwwwwlf!"
"Um, Pops? I'm okay," Ranma blinked in surprise at the display of emotion by his pandafied father. When his father continued to cry and ignored him, Ranma grew slightly worried. "Pops? I'm okay. Really, look."
"THAT'S DEBATABLE I'M AFRAID."
Ranma stiffened at hearing, or more exactly feeling the deep voice rumbling inside his head like the heavy wheels of a tank passing by. The Saotome heir swivelled around on the spot to face the direction of the hollow voice. Some instinct made him suspect what he would find even before his eyes even laid upon the nearly seven foot tall, black robed figure. Ranma swallowed the tight lump he felt form in his throat at the sight as two tiny blue glowing pinpricks of light observed him from the empty eye sockets of a skull.
"Ah," Ranma glanced down at the ground at his feet and saw the pile of ash. He put two and two together. "I'm dead right?" he asked, hoping he was wrong. Of course it wasn't every day you saw what had become the most common depiction of death, complete with scythe before you.
"WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT," Death stated with a shrug.
Ranma glanced down at the pile at his feet. "That's all that left of me?"
"AT LEAST UNTIL THE WIND CHANGES, THAT IS," Death paused as Ranma sent him a withering look.
"Gee, thanks," Ranma muttered as he hung his head. Sixteen years training to be the best and he was killed by being turned into a girl and set on fire. How was that fair? Now he'd never get chance to do...well, it didn't really knew what he wanted to do, but whatever it would have been it would have been awesome.
"SORRY, GALLOWS HUMOUR. LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE," Ranma glanced up as Death spoke again in an attempt to cheer up the deceased martial artist. "YOUR FUNERAL WONT BE EXPENSIVE, SEEING AS YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN CREMATED AND YOUR REMAINS COULD ALWAYS BE RECYCLED."
"Recycled? As what? Plant food?"
"I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST KITTY LITTER ACTUALLY."
"No way am I going to be...k-k-k-feline litter! I hate those evil things!" Ranma shuddered at the horrible thought.
"WELL I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE CATS."
Ranma flinched as he got the distinct impression that Death was now frowning disapprovingly at him, even though his face was just a featureless skull. Ranma grimaced and stepped back holding up his hands to ward off the apparition. There was only one thing to do in such a hopeless situation. "So, er...Look!" Ranma pointed just behind Death, "A ten yen coin!"
"A WHAT?" Death turned to look at the spot Ranma pointed at, humouring the boy. There wasn't anything there, and when he turned back neither was Ranma. "WELL, THAT WASN'T ORIGINAL AT ALL."
"Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!" Ranma chanted as he ran blindly in any direction. "I can't be dead! I - Ooof!" Ranma bounced off something solid and boney and fell back on his behind onto the ground. He stared up in horror as Death stood before him once more. The boy flipped back to his feet in an instant and assumed a ready stance. "I ain't going without a fight!" the martial artist declared as Death reached into his robes. Ranma tensed as the Grim Reaper pulled out an hourglass. It had Ranma Saotome stamped around the base.
"HMMM, THIS IS ODD," Death muttered as he examined the hourglass.
"What? Me wanting to fight you for my life?" Ranma queried.
"OH NO, THAT HAPPENS A LOT ACTUALLY. WHY YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE TYPES OF CHALLENGES I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, ESPECIALLY FROM YOU JAPANESE. WHY YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH JUST A GAME OF CARDS OR CHESS, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF MARTIAL ARTS TEA MAKING? NO? MARTIAL ARTS FIGURE SKATING? OR MARTIAL ARTS GYMNASTICS? I TELL YOU, I DON'T SUIT A LEOTARD AT ALL."
"Ah...um...that sounds...really..." Ranma grimaced at the thought of Death in a leotard and decided he didn't want to know. "So, what's odd?" he asked and added under his breath, "Apart from Death admitting to wearing a leotard."
"YOU SEE THIS?" Death pointed a boney digit at the neck of the hourglass that separated the two halves. Ranma nodded. "I WAS CERTAIN YOUR TIME HAD RUN OUT, YET THERE IS A GRAIN STUCK IN THERE. GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE STILL HOLDING ONTO LIFE SOMEHOW."
Death shook the hourglass to see whether the grain would shake free and fall. It didn't.
"INTERESTING."
"Hey! don't do that!" Ranma snatched the hourglass out of Death's hands and cuddled it closely to his chest to protect it from the reaper. Then he checked the hourglass and was relieved to see that the grain of sand was still there, stuck in between the two halves. Unmoving. "This means I'm not dead then?" Ranma looked up hopefully at Death who shrugged his shoulders.
"NO, I'M PRETTY CERTAIN YOU'RE NOT ALIVE."
"But this stuck grain means I've still got time right?" Ranma pointed at the hourglass.
"ACTUALLY THAT MEANS YOU'RE UNDEAD."
"Un...dead?"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID. DID YOU PERCHANCE HAVE ANYTHING YOU NEEDED TO DO BEFORE PASSING ON?" Death asked. Ranma had the strange impression the reaper was trying to be helpful.
"Um," Ranma rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I've never given it much thought."
"DID YOU NEED REVENGE FOR SOMETHING?"
"Don't think so..."
"NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHO MURDERED YOU?" Death suggested.
"I'm pretty sure that was Pops, throwing me into that pool of drowned vampire girl."
"AH, NOW IT MAKES SENSE," Death raised a finger as everything fell into place. In one inhumanly quick movement he smoothly took back the hourglass before Ranma had time to blink and held it up to his face so he could closely examine the timekeeping device.
"It...does?" Ranma paused in the middle of tensing his legs ready in an attempt to grab the hourglass back from Death.
"COME RANMA SAOTOME, I'LL EXPLAIN ON THE WAY BACK TO YOUR BODY," Death indicated for Ranma to follow as he began to walk back the way Ranma had came. Ranma was undecided for a moment, unsure whether to follow Death, but curiosity and not knowing what else to do won out.
"Hey wait up!" Ranma bounded after the reaper. He fell into step besides the personification of death and was forced to take two steps for every one the tall hooded figure took. "So am I dead, undead, alive or what?"
"NEITHER AND ALL."
"Well that makes a lot of sense," Ranma grumbled. He wanted a nice clear answer and received instead a riddle of some sort.
"AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME YOUR HOURGLASS IS ACTING LIKE THAT OF AN UNDEAD, FROZEN IN TIME UNTIL THE MOMENT OF YOUR TRUE DEATH HAPPENS, THEN THIS LAST GRAIN WILL FALL."
"So am I or not dead then?"
"YOU'RE NOT MUCH OF ANYTHING AT THIS MOMENT, ACTUALLY," Death stated and Ranma looked at him with confusion written on his face. "YOU SEE THIS HOURGLASS OF YOURS IS A HUMAN ONE, THAT SHOULD MEAN YOU AREN'T UNDEAD, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WHICH I KEEP NEATLY SEPARATED ON DIFFERENT SHELVES. BUT THEN, HOW DO WE EXPLAIN WHY YOUR HOURGLASS IS BEHAVING LIKE THAT OF AN UNDEAD?"
"Because I'm just that awesome?" Ranma tried.
"NO," the word was delivered with the finality of the grave, making Ranma wince. "YOUR JUSENKYO CURSE IS INTERFERING," Death stated as he came to a halt beside the Jusenkyo guide and Ranma's father, both of whom neither noticed the robed reaper or Ranma. Death pointed his scythe at the pools. Ranma glanced out over the training grounds and then back to Death.
"Jusenkyo?" Ranma frowned as he parroted.
"SPECIFICALLY THE SPRING YOU FELL IN. YOUR CURSED FORM IS UNDEAD YOU SEE, BUT YOUR TRUE FORM IS ALIVE AND HUMAN. YOU JUST NEED TO WAIT TO COME BACK TO LIFE."
"You mean...I'm not dead? Woohoo! I'm not dead! I'm not dead!" Ranma cheered and almost burst into a happy dance at the news.
"TECHNICALLY, YOU ARE DEAD," Death's comment brought Ranma back down to Earth with a bump. "BUT YOU STILL CAN LIVE AGAIN, BEING AS YOU'RE CURRENTLY SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN. NEITHER HERE NOR THERE."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"ACTUALLY THAT'S A TERRIBLY BAD THING."
"Why?"
"IT PREVENTS ME FROM DOING MY JOB."
"Well excuse me for not letting you kill me," Ranma dead-panned.
"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DON'T KILL ANYONE," Death glowered as he leaned over the sort of dead martial artist, cowering him. "AS THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH, MY JOB. NO, MY DUTY, IS TO ASSIST THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO'VE DIED MOVE ON, NOT KILL. I DO A VALUABLE PUBLIC SERVICE. WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IF NOBODY HELPED THE DEAD MOVE ON, HMMM? A WORLD FULL OF GHOSTS AND TOO MUCH LIFE-FORCE TO SUSTAIN CAUSING A DEVASTATING COLLAPSE OF THE RULES OF THE MULTIVERSE LEADING TO A FINAL SOLUTION OF NO MORE LIFE. WOULD YOU WANT THAT?"
"Okay, okay! I get it!" Ranma leaned away from the towering skeleton.
"GOOD," Death stepped back giving Ranma space to breath again, metaphorically speaking. "NOW, LETS SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT YOUR LITTLE...PROBLEM."
"Huh? You're going to help me?"
"OF COURSE."
"But why?" Ranma scratched the top of his head.
"WHY NOT?"
"But, but, you're Death," Ranma pointed out.
"ACTUALLY MY HEARING IS QUITE FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH," Death grinned, which was actually his permanent expression really. Ranma blinked and then stared at the grim reaper as if he had two heads.
"THAT WAS A JOKE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO, HA. HA."
"Right," Ranma drawled. "You know, for the shinigami you're not exactly how I pictured you."
"REALLY? WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING? A GINGER, SPIKY HAIRED GUY WITH AN EVIL LOOKING MASK AND A MASSIVE SWORD?"
"You're really...odd," Ranma gave a small chuckle. Death cocked his head to the side as he wondered whether to mention that wasn't actually a joke. He decided not to and instead stepped up to the Jusenkyo guide.
"They can't see or hear us right?" Ranma asked as he watched Death.
"TECHNICALLY THEY CAN IF THEY WISH TO, BUT MOST MORTALS WILL REFUSE ON THE BASIS THAT THEY DON'T LIKE BEING REMINDED ABOUT THEIR MORTALITY."
"So how are you going to help me?"
"THEY MAY NOT WANT TO SEE ME, BUT THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY STOP ME FROM MAKING SUGGESTIONS," Death explained and then leaned in close to the Jusenkyo Guide. "NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO BOIL SOME WATER."
"Ah! Mr Customer!" the Jusenkyo Guide suddenly blurted out as he remembered he should be explaining to the remaining customer about the way the curses worked. "I be right back. You no run off, yes?"
Genma ignored the guide, his only concern was how he was going to explain how he had gotten their son killed to his wife in such a way he'd keep his own life.
"That's...really useful," Ranma stated as he watched the portly Chinese man rush back to is hut. "Are you allowed to do that?"
"IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT...DISALLOWED," Death turned back to Ranma. "PEOPLE ARE QUITE FREE TO IGNORE SUGGESTIONS LIKE THAT, BUT SOMETIMES THAT IS HOW IDEAS HAPPEN."
"Like with that eureka guy?"
"NO. HIS BATH WATER WAS JUST TOO HOT ACTUALLY."
"Oh."
"AH HA, HERE HE IS WITH THE HOT WATER," Death pointed behind Ranma at the Jusenkyo Guide. Ranma looked over his shoulder and watched the guide run back over.
"Here Mr. Customer, I fix your curse, yes?" the Jusenkyo Guide poured some of the water from the kettle over Genma's head, instantly reverting him back to normal.
"Huh? What the?" Genma stepped back in surprise at having not quite hot enough to burn water poured over his head. He quickly inspected himself. "I'm cured...but the boy, damn it! Nodoka'll still kill me!"
"Huh? Who's Nodoka?" Ranma looked to Death, to which Death shrugged his ignorance. The reaper then leaned in close to the guide once again and made another suggestion.
"POUR THE HOT WATER ON RANMA'S REMAINS PLEASE."
"Aiyah, I have sudden urge to pour water on remains. Strange yes?" the Jusenkyo Guide said all of a sudden, startling Genma out of his thoughts. The Jusenkyo Guide poured the remaining hot water onto the ashes.
Ranma felt the strangest of sensations as one moment he was next to Death watching the proceedings, then he felt a strange tugging and everything blurred. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the ground with hot water dripping off his head.
"What?" Ranma blinked in surprise even as the Jusenkyo Guide and Genma both jumped away in surprise as Ranma suddenly reappeared. The young Saotome quickly checked himself over, pulling open his gi to double check his gender. "I...I live! Again! Woohoo!" Ranma bounded to his feet and really did do a happy jig this time.
"Boy?" Genma grabbed Ranma's shoulders to make sure he was really real.
"Pops! I'm back!"
"I'm so happy!" Genma surprised Ranma as he was engulfed in a big hug. For a moment Ranma went ridged in surprise before relaxing a little. "Nodoka won't make me commit seppuku now!"
"Huh?" Ranma blinked as Genma pushed him away to arms length. The elder Saotome calmly pushed his glasses back into place on his nose. "Boy..." Genma began slowly before throwing a powerful right-hook that sent Ranma flying across the area. "Don't scare me like that ever again! I thought I was going to die!" the elder Saotome bellowed.
"You what?" Ranma pushed himself back into a sitting position while rubbing his sore jaw. "Hey! I was the one that nearly died!"
"Foolish boy! Don't you ever think about me? How was I supposed to explain you getting killed?"
"You old fart! I'm gonna kick your ass!" Ranma declared flipping off the ground and back to his feet.
"AHEM."
Ranma froze as Death cleared his throat which was quite a feat in of itself. Ranma turned to look to his left and realised the grim reaper was still there.
"I'M PLEASED YOU'RE ALIVE, BUT WE STILL MUST DISCUSS THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR HOURGLASS," Death held Ranma's hourglass out so Ranma could see it. The sands had reappeared in the top half of the hourglass and were quickly trickling away.
"Um, should it be moving that fast?" Ranma asked the reaper and pointed at the fast flowing sand.
"YES. ACCORDING TO THIS YOU'LL DIE IN A FEW MINUTES AGAIN."
Ranma went pale as a sheet at Death's proclamation.
"Who are you talking to boy?" Genma asked as Ranma started acting as if he was talking to someone next to him. Even pointing at something no one else could see. Genma began to worry about his son's sanity as Ranma started yelling.
"What the hell? What do you mean I'm going to die in a few minutes?"
"YOUR SANDS WILL ALL BE GONE SHORTLY."
"I get that! How am I going to killed?" Ranma asked looking around the area in terror, searching for a sign of anything that could suddenly kill him.
"He is strange one no?" the Jusenkyo Guide asked from beside Genma.
"I DON'T KNOW. BUT IN ABOUT A MINUTE NOW WE'LL FIND OUT, WON'T WE," Death declared in a cheery tone.
"You're not helping at all!" Ranma declared seconds before the sky decided to open in flash downpour. Moments later the rain ceased as suddenly as it had began and the sun came back out. Ranma found himself suddenly nearly a foot shorter and female even as Genma turned into a panda again. Ranma glanced down at the feeling of weight on his chest. A quick peek revealed what he, now she feared.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" Ranma managed to state seconds before her eyes burst like egg yokes in a microwave, quickly followed by the rest of her face melting off, followed by her body bursting into flames as she was dusted for the second time that day.
"THAT LOOKED UNPLEASANT," Death remarked as the once more incorporeal Ranma palmed his face in frustration. "ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE DO KNOW WHAT KILLED YOU."
