Author's Note: This is something I thought up when I was
bored.
Bella knows what's coming, that there's no guarantee
she'll make it through the pregnancy, so she writes this letter to
make Edward understand some of her thoughts, to try and make him
understand how much she needs him. She gave this to Rose to give to
Edward as soon as she started the change, or died, whichever outcome
occurred, it was written a few days before she went into labour.
So
please Enjoy.
Dear Edward,
Today is the day I have been waiting for since you walked into my life, since I found out what you are. I wanted to write you this letter to let you know what's going through my mind, since I know you hate that you can't hear my thoughts. So here you are; no censoring, no white lies to try and protect you. I want to go into this new life with you honestly, no secrets.
So, where to begin? How about the first time I met you? I knew you were special even then, that there was something about you that kept pulling me in. Not like the other girls who looked at you and saw your handsome face or smooth skin, or toned muscles, no, it was your eyes that gripped me, the emotions in them were at the time unidentifiable to me, but now I know what they were, hatred, desire, anger, confusion, annoyance... things so easy to read in your eyes now. I just wanted you to know you had me from that first moment, even after the Biology lesson which followed. As much as I was angry at you I waited for you to come back, I desperately needed you to come back, and I never understood why before now. Want to know why I needed you so badly, even then? Alright, I'll tell you. Because I knew that you were my destiny, that I was meant to stand by your side forever. Nothing's managed to convince me otherwise.
Then there came James, I won't deny that I was terrified, but not because I thought I could die, or that he'd hurt me physically. I was terrified for you, that you'd get hurt trying to save me, that thought hurt me more than anything, still hurts me more than anything, that you might be hurt, physically or emotionally scares me to my core, so I don't want you to feel pain at the events of today, they've always been coming for me, remember, never bet against Alice. So James was no big deal to me, once I knew you were ok. Oh, and did I ever thank you for saving my life? No? Well, thank you.
The next issue we faced was your fault. Your stubbornness and.... I don't know what other words to use, I'm not as eloquent as you, but you know that. You left, really left. As in nothing was left to remind me except those things you couldn't remove, my memories, triggered by everything, music, school, my truck....everything. For those eight months I was broken, Edward. I was a shell, and I know you know this, but I need to tell you, so you can understand how I could forgive you so easily. I walked through those months without noticing, the only time the darkness faded slightly was when I went to La Push and did stuff with Jake, like riding our bikes, walking on the beach or just watching TV. But he was a sun fighting an eclipse, there was no way he could win. Even then, you were the only person I could even conceive of loving, of trusting with everything, all I wanted was for you to come back, to tell me that you'd changed your mind, that you wanted me, that you loved me. So remember, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I never want you to feel bad, I just need you to understand.
The end of those months were surreal at the time, I remember jumping. I remember hitting the water. I remember seeing you. I remember I was ready. Then Jake saved me. Brought me back to the shore and I realised you weren't here, you were still gone. Then Alice turns up, telling me you'd gone to Italy, to the Volturi! Edward that was the stupidest, most reckless thing you could ever have done! I told you, so many times, that no matter what happened to me you were to go on, you were meant to exist, because I don't believe the world could exist without you. So we go to Volterra, desperate to make sure you were ok, not caring if we were gonna come out alive. And then I saw you, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, you were there, about to step into the sun and bring death down upon yourself. I still can't imagine what I'd of done if your plan had succeeded. I just don't know. Anyway, you know what happened after that, but when we got back to Forks, I thought you were going to disappear again, I thought you were another dream, that I'd wake up to the same darkness I'd lived through before. But I didn't, you were there, holding me, loving me, telling me it was all a lie, that you always wanted me. And it took me a while to truly believe you, but my epiphany was the best thing I've ever experienced, I KNEW you loved, KNEW you'd lied, KNEW I still needed you more than ever, that I loved you, and would until the world came to an end, and even then, I'll still love you. So I forgave you, needing us to be like we were, wanting you to trust me like trusted you, to trust my love for you, that even this mere human could love you as deeply as you claimed to love her. So that's why I forgave you.
Now we come to the whole Victoria mess. I need to apologise once more for making you choose, for asking you to stay with me instead of standing beside your family, even if it did turn out for the better in the end. What happens today will make sure that you never have to make that choice again. But that's all over now, and everything that happened with Jake doesn't matter, I'm yours completely, you're never getting rid of me Mr Cullen, that I can promise you.
The night you asked me to marry you was wonderful, and I'm not talking about the one when we got back from Italy, no, the one where I actually said yes. You looked so happy when your mothers ring was on my finger, I had never seen you so happy, and I swore to myself then that I'd do anything in my power to see that look on your face again. I'm happy to report that I have seen that look again, and again, in fact since I agreed that look has become more and more frequent until nearly constant on our honeymoon. But since we came back I've barely seen you smile, well, really smile. You try, but it never reaches your eyes, and it's killing me. So please, before we do this, smile a real smile, it'll tell me everything I need to know, more than you could ever say, because I know then that you'll really me, forever. That you want to be one of you, a Cullen through and through.
The day I married you was like a dream, followed by the most amazing honeymoon ever. And thank you, for trying, for succeeding, and for just being you. You don't understand just how great it was to see you so relaxed, so carefree, not burdened with the thoughts of others, or a sense of responsibility, you were just Edward. The man I fell in love with, and pledged my heart, body and soul to. The man who I want stand beside for the rest of eternity, knowing that no one else will ever truly understand why he's so perfect, so amazing, and that I'll never understand why he chose me. But I don't need to understand to know just how grateful I am that he did.
My final confession is that I'm petrified. I scared that you won't save me. That I'll never meet our child. That I'll have to be somewhere you're not. So please know that no matter what I'll always be with you, you have my heart. I know you don't wanna hear this but I need to say it, don't leave them, our child, you can't. If I don't make, I need you to stay alive, to tell how much I love them, how much I wish I could be there in person, how I will always be there in their hearts, and in yours. So even though I'm scared, I trust you. I know I'll wake up. I know I'll stand beside you. I know I'll always love you. But above all I know you'll worry, so don't. Please. Don't worry about me.
I have a few requests to make of you before I close this letter. Before I start the change, smile and mean it, kiss me as if it were the last time, as if everything depended on that kiss, because it does, I'll fight for the memory of that kiss. Tell me you love me, and let me tell you I love you more. Because I do. And finally...finally, hold me close while we watch the stars, the stars which light my way back to. The ones you can't see until you close your eyes. The ones that hid until you need them. Watch the stars with me Edward.
So, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you've seen into brain. I hope it helped you understand how I know this is the right thing to do. That there is no other choice for me. You're it for me. You are everything I will ever want, need, crave or desire, that will never change. So please, don't see it as an end, but the beginning of our new life, with our new family.
I love you more than you will ever know, or could ever comprehend. I know you won't believe me, but you don't have to, because I know it's true.
I love you, my silly dazzling vampire husband. Remember that. Or I'll
make you.
All my love
Isabella Marie Cullen
-x-
