CH1 The Brownie arrives

As Rin begins her education as a member of the Mage's Association Shirou must face his greatest challenges yet as a janitor of the Clock Tower. The brownie of Homurahara will be faced with the dangers of British cafeteria food, card tricks, and a cult that keeps claiming he destroyed Atlantis. But more importantly, is this finally Wavers chance to rid himself the position of the number one man female students would like to sleep with? Probably not.

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: semi-Crack fic - do not take seriously.

Chapter Posted: 06-17-2017

Chapter Updated: 06-21-2017 (minor changes), 07-08-2017 (removed Shirou's contract and made some heavy changes or additions to Scenes 3 Shirou POV and 4 Waver POV)

AN0: Expecting frequent updates is the path to disappointment. A great deal of disappointment.

CHAPTER START 1

"This assignment is simply cruel and unusual punishment" mused Zelretch as he irritably tapped his fingers on the large oak desk he sat at. Not a single soul living or otherwise heard him in the empty spacious chamber that served as the Clock Towers administrative nerve center.

The room was left mostly unlit for Zelretch as a vampire had little need for light. No need to waste electricity and all that. Apparently environmentalism was some new hip trend for the youngsters these days.

The day was a special day for the Association that happened only twice a year. Thus resulting in the usual members of the administrative faculty being absent from the room. Unfortunately, Zelretch found himself banished to the administrative room by the unanimous vote of every department head in the Clock Tower. Again.

He had a rather high suspicion that the reason his lonesome self was assigned this position was that the odds of someone coming here were nigh zero on this day. How terribly droll and boring.

The only bright side was that this time he was hardly the only one banned from…

Zelretch's reminiscence were abruptly cut short as a door opened with a creak that sounded booming and ominous in the otherwise quite and dark room. The door fully opened to reveal a red haired young man with amber eyes and a body accentuated by a brilliant halo of light from behind.

The boy seemed oddly familiar to the aged vampire…

"I'm sorry but is this the admissions desk?" the young man asked with a slight accent as he walked up to Zelretch with an earnest smile.

"I think it is a bit late to be signing up as a student considering that the commencement ceremony for the new term will be starting at any moment" stated Zelretch with an eyebrow arched in genuine confusion. Throughout his many centuries of un-life Zelretch had received many differing reactions from those who had suddenly found themselves alone in a dark room with him.

Smiling had never been one of them.

"Ah, I'm not asking to enroll as a student. I was hoping that there might be some job postings available here" said the young man as he rubbed the back of his head with that damnable smile still on his face "my girlfried is starting as a student here this semester and brought me along as her apprentice. However, since I'm in some financial trouble I figured that I should try to get a job so that I don't end up as a burden for her."

"Oh, if that is all then allow me to assist you, my name is Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, but most people simply call me Zelretch" stated the vampire before blinking his eyes in confusion after the boy had not so much as twitched upon hearing the name "…are there any jobs in particular that you are looking for?"

Either the boy was completely oblivious to the ongoings of the moon lit world or the young man literally had nerves of steel…

"My name is Shirou Emiya and this might sound silly, but…" the red head replied before giving the sappiest and damnedest most sincere smile Zelretch had ever seen "…I would like to be employed as a Hero of Justice."

Zelretch momentarily spasmed as he felt a strange and unusual flutter in his undead heart at the raw emotion displayed before him. Completely unfamiliar with the sensation, Zelretch immediately assumed that this novel new experience was poisoning and decided keep a better eye on the cooking staff. If Barthomeloi had finally found a poison that could effect him even slightly then he would have to keep his guard up for the obvious next trial run.

Sometimes being the only not dead undead around for Lorelei to test her vampire killing weapons on could be such a drag…

Pulling out a stack of papers from his desks drawer the vampire quickly found what he was looking for. As he had suspected, the break between terms had given the Association's Enforcers enough time to find plenty of research material and sealing designates for the various departments.

The autopsy labs were completely filled to capacity.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that we don't have any available openings for heroes at the moment" Zelretch muttered aloud as he continued to leaf through more papers "let me check to see what openings we do have."

Not that he would ever admit it out loud, but somewhere deep inside Zelretch was honestly a little concerned about the young mans love life. Asking to be dissected for your girlfriends convenience was not normal. Not even for magi.

Ok, so maybe it was a little normal among Magi.

"Surprisingly, it would appear that there aren't any listed positions available right now" mused Zelretch as he skimmed through several documents covering the requests made by the twelve departments "it would appear that a relatively small number of our staff died during the summer break than usual. Only two deaths from interdepartmental assassinations, another four from research experiments that went horrifyingly wrong, and lastly one death from an experiment that went horrifyingly right. They were all easily replaced with our back up roster for the usual summer break losses."

The boys horrified look left Zelretch feeling a little miffed. People were getting far too soft these days. He briefly wondered how the boy would react if told about how bad christmas break losses usually were. The Holy Church always got a little kill happy with the heretics around that time of the year.

"What would you say your best skills are?" asked Zelretch wondering if he could find some alternative position for the clearly hopeless boy.

"I'm decent at cleaning, repair, and cooking" listed Shirou as his face became serious with an inner fire not normally found in the generic run of the mill magi. With a face like that Zelretch started to feel some hope that the boy wasn't a completely lost cause in the cut throat world of magus politics.

Perhaps this boy could be interesting to keep around after all…

"I suppose I could hire you as my personal janitor. Having someone to clean up and fix all of my mistakes would greatly increase my productivity" admitted Zelretch as he scratched his small beard pondering how long it would take for his newest plaything to break.

"I would be greatly honored" replied Shirou as he gave a small bow in thanks to his new employer "I can work afternoons and evenings after my mornings classes."

"Excellent, now lets check out your qualifications then" stated Zelretch as he brought out a pen and paper to take notes "what if any mental disorders or illnesses do you posses?"

"Huh?" asked Shirou tilting his head before hesitantly answering "…I can't say I have anything official but a lot of people seem to believe that I suffer from workaholism, foot in the mouth disease, extreme survivors guilt, idiotically heroic tendencies, and a general lack of common sense."

"Hmm, very impressive. In fact, most of are custodial staff don't start to get survivors guilt until several months into the job" said Zelretch nodding to himself in satisfaction "I'd say that you are definitely overqualified for an entry level position. By starting off at extreme levels while tacking on everything else I think we can have you start off at a senior position."

"Thank you?" asked Shirou more confused than anything else.

"Lets get the paperwork out of the way first and then we can head up to my lab and office" said Zelretch as he looked around the still eerily dark nerve center of the Clock Tower "it's not as if anyone else will need me."

SCENE BREAK 2

For Rin Tohsaka, today was a momentous occasion only surpassed by those days she had spent fighting for her life in the holy grail war. Today she would become an official student of the Mage's Association and begin her studies at the revered facilities of the Clock Tower.

Standing amidst countless other prospective new students in the marbled grand hall of the Clock Tower's main auditorium left her breath taken and nervous about what was to come. That was not to say she was nervous about the ceremony itself but rather the future challenges ahead of her.

As much as Rin thrived on challenges, she knew that her ethnicity would be looked down upon despite her genius and credentials. Not that the Mage's Association was exactly racist, but they certainly didn't look upon those they viewed as coming from back water countries favorably. Worse yet, she had no support from any of the other magus families gathered here to call upon for political support.

Though in all honesty, she had to admit that her pride would have prevented her from asking for help in the first place.

Her status as the winner of the fifth grail war wouldn't do her any good either for the ritual as a whole was largely unknown and irrelevant to the majority of the moon lit world. A rather good thing Rin admitted to herself in retrospect considering what she had learned after the war. Letting the rest of the moon lit world know that the true purpose of the ritual was to punch a hole directly to Akasha would not be good for her health as the overseer of the lands where the ritual took place. Especially if it became public that she planned to disband said ritual.

Hopefully her status as an average one who commanded all five of the main elements would reduce the number of detractors that she might face.

Taking a deep breath Rin used a simple breathing technique from her martial arts training to sooth her nerves. The loud chattering of her future peers gave Rin a reassurance that even magi were still ultimately humans. Rin returned her attention to the ongoings of the gathered assembly vying to gather what information she could.

Within the room there were several grand overarching balconies overlooking the main floor where Rin herself along with the other new initiates stood. Upon all but the main platform at the front where many of the older students, instructors, and even several of the lesser ranking nobility. They stared down at the gathering below them dissecting the new students with their eyes to seek out those with potential and those who were nothing more than prey.

The new students were pieces at an exhibit to be judged and critiqued by those who had already earned their places in the social order. Or those born into the right families, but no one really liked to talk about nepotism all that much. The new students who succeeded and caught the eyes of those in the higher tiers of the food chain would advance through the ranks. Those who failed would be discarded and left to the tender mercies of everyone else.

A small part of her was secretly glad that Shirou as her apprentice was not an official member of the Mage's Association and thus didn't have to attend this ceremony that was more akin to a den of vultures. The boy with his open sincerity and heart of gold was rather hopeless at these types of things.

With a hidden smirk Rin turned away from the balconies. Between her perfect student facade, work ethic, and natural genius Rin would make sure that by the time her education was finished she would be standing at the top as one of the best students ever produced by the Clock Tower.

There was absolutely no way that her master plan could possibly fail!

"Ho ho ho ho" came out a haughty feminine laugh from nearby causing Rin to turn as she instinctively sensed a rival predator in the area. Centuries of social instinct engraved in the genetic code of the female gender took over and all higher thought processes were immediately turned off as the fight of flight compulsion took hold.

Rin found herself staring into the eyes of a frilly dressed blond women with hair curled into several long drills. The young women's red eyes turned to stare back at Rin with a glint as the age old fight for dominance between rival predators began anew.

Only one could remain standing at the apex of the food chain.

It was precisely around this moment that the main balcony that had once been empty was occupied by eleven of the twelve high lords of the clock tower. Taking the lead was, Lorelei Barthomeloi, the queen of the Clock Tower herself.

And it was also precisely around this moment that a series of explosions from elsewhere in the Clock Tower shook the room providing all the excuses anyone could ever need.

From there the first of many spells and curses started flying…

SCENE BREAK 3

The interior of Zelretch office was mind bogglingly massive. There could be little doubt that the interior of the room was orders of magnitude larger than what the outside could possibly allow for. Simply by peering into the room it became apparent that several football stadiums could easily fit inside by the very fact that, for reasons unknown to anyone reasonably sane, there were in fact several football stadiums inside the room. The titanic walls of the room reaching out into a blue sky only made it all the more surreal.

Shirou Emiya who had signed a one year contract that paid a daily commission for having the whole room cleaned by the end of each night quickly realized that he had been duped.

A rather problematic turn of events all things considered after having found out that his inheritance and life savings had all mysteriously disappeared by the end of the fifth grail war. Something that Shirou honestly wouldn't have minded if it weren't for how much traveling around to save people would cost.

The only consolation was that Shirou had been allowed to put in a few amendments of his own into the contract that would let him pursue his path as a hero of justice even while on the job. Even better was that Zelretch's own amendments would also allow Shirou save people in ways not normally possible to the average magus. Shirou had already admitted to the hypocrisy of his ideals so he really didn't see a reason for him to not take advantage of the situation.

"You better get started" the vampire said with a smug smile as he looked at a silver pocket watch fashioned to a chain "you have a little under eight hours to get the room cleaned."

Turning to his amused new employer Shirou gave a quick unenthusiastic salute in response and brought out his cleaning supplies. A splintered wooden broom, a dust pan, a rusty bucket with holes, a bar of soap, and a rotting mop. This might be harder than he thought.

Recent events may have successfully convinced the department heads to have light bulbs installed throughout the Clock Tower, but technologies such as vacuum cleaners were still a full century ahead of anything else that was socially acceptable by the magus nobility that ruled the institution.

Or so Zelretch claimed. Shirou was more inclined to believe that his new employer was just a massive troll and wanted to make this as difficult as possible for all parties involved. After all, Shirou had seen at least one man walking around playing a portable gaming system.

Fortunately, Shirou had become very good at cleaning large areas after having owned what amounted to a small mansion in the years since his adoptive fathers passing. And all of that was before he had started to properly learn magecraft under Rin's tutelage. It still wouldn't be enough, but never let it be said that Shirou was the type to give up just because of silly concepts such as 'common sense' or 'reality.'

"Trace on" stated Shirou using his catch phrase to activate his magic circuits. Using alteration Shirou changed the broom into a slightly more manageable form and then used reinforcement to enhance the concept of moving dust and dirt.

Hopefully he would be able to achieve the output of an industrial grade fan…

"An interesting and practical approach to the basics. I think I feel a little inspired to go for something practical and basic myself today" mused Zelretch before turning away and motioning for Shirou to observe with a smirk "though I think that my bace level might be a little higher."

With a simple wave of his hand a sword shaped mystic code commonly known as an azoth dagger appeared in a kaleidoscope of colors and fell into the waiting vampires hands. With a flourish the elderly man twirled the knife once checking for any imperfections with a practiced eye.

"It always feels nice to immediately have anything I need for my experiments with a simple wave of the hand" mused Zelretch with a gentle fondness in his voice before turning to Shirou with an amused smirk "here, I'll even let you have this one as an early bonus payment considering your little financial situation."

"Was that it?" asked Shirou as he accepted the dagger in confusion "for all that drama I was kind of expecting something a little less lame."

Shirou was willing to admit to himself that having witnessed the varied powers and abilities of servants had possibly skewed his perceptions a bit on the awesomeness scale for magecraft. That didn't mean he was going to lower the standards of his scale just for the new boss. Pulling a random sword out of thin air? That might have qualified for a four out of ten if he had at least managed a noble phantasm.

"Not impressive you say?" questioned Zelretch with a single eye brow raised "I just used a multi-directional refraction phenomenon to shift the history of the entire world and you act as if thats just some common magus parlor trick like projection and reinforcement."

"Multi-directional refraction…" pondered Shirou as his eyes scrunched up in thought "…isn't that a technique learned by trying to kill swallows?"

"…Why yes, yes it is…" admitted Zelretch stiffly before snapping his fingers.

In front of the duo a large mind numbing portal formed in a kaleidoscope of colors that clawed at the soul and would shatter any one of a weak constitution. Naturally, Zelretch who was use to looking at things that mortal minds ought not to was completely unaffected. Shirou who had already had his mind shattered by all of the worlds evils at the tender age of eight and had later laid eyes upon the primordial sword of rapture was himself fairly resistant to the unimaginable horrors that spewed into reality.

"Did you know that one of the greatest dangers of the second magic is drawing the attention of those who lurk between worlds" lectured Zelretch with an outstretched hand dramatically pointed towards the portal that led into the abyss.

Shirou Emiya stared into the abyss… and nothing stared back.

"…Ah, just wait a moment" said Zelretch as he awkwardly pulled out a small plastic toy robot from out of his pocket "sometimes they get a little lazy and you have to bait them out. I still don't understand it myself but they seem to have a taste for Japanese merchandise."

Zelretch tossed the toy up into the air and then proceeded to annihilate the innocent gunpla in a kaleidoscope of colors. With a howl of rage a very angry and very massive tentacled form crawled its way out of the gaping wound in the world with shocking speed and soon towered over even the stadiums.

Shirou Emiya who had read through various manga and comic books to study the types of monsters a hero of justice was expected to face had only one question.

"Is that a Nyarlathotep?"

The Crawling Chaos made a warbling scream of rage at Zelretch as its countless eyes burned in unholy fury. Tentacles with the raw power to crush humans with nothing more than a flick thrashed in the air preparing to strike their target. A mind numbing alien sensation permeated around the creature like an oily cloak awaiting to erode the minds of the weak willed.

And Shirou just so happened to have the misfortune of standing between the demon and its target.

"Well, at least things can't get any worse" muttered Shirou as he stared up at the monstrosity that looked like it could snap Berserker like a twig. Then, as if just to prove him wrong, another primordial horror popped into existence almost as large and at least twice as horrifying as the previous one.

Shirou's fingers started to twitch.

There really had to be some kind of a limit as to how far a low luck ranking could bend reality. The flabbergasted expression on Zelretch's face showed that he at the very least agreed with that sentiment as they both stared blankly at the two colossal demons.

"…At least things can't possibly get any worse now" said Shirou certain that the world could not possibly hate him that much. Yet to his dismay, another titanic soul devouring demon appeared in a miasma of dark colors that ate away at reality.

"…What are you doing" asked Zelretch with a morbid sense of horror creeping into his voice as he stared at the young man who was somehow assembling an army of demons in his office through nothing more than raw determination and a low luck ranking.

"I want to find out just how far this depravity goes" said Shirou with an unamused curiosity. Just how much could the world possibly hate him and what possible applications might that have? Perhaps he could weaponize that hatred… with his current level of luck it would obviously back fire, but MAD was still a perfectly valid tactic, right? And so with that thought in mind he continued to repeat his mantra to his bosses ever growing horror.

"At least things can't get any worse."

This level of bad luck was not natural and Shirou planned to get to the bottom of it even if it killed him.

SCENE BREAK 4

For Waver Velvet, today was starting off on an excellent footing. Getting to sleep in and play video games instead of having to deal with a bunch of fresh snot nosed brats? That was hardly what he would call a punishment. There could be absolutely no doubt that getting banned from the commencement ceremony was practically a dream come true.

Perhaps he should let his merry band of idiots run loose more often?

Wavers shook his head of such vile thoughts as he reached the faculty lounge meant for meetings between the department heads and noticed with some puzzlement that the lights were already on.

"So much for getting time to myself on the couch before the meeting starts" muttered Lord El-Melloi II as he opened the door. What he found was the most peculiar sight of a haggard vampire staring intently at a glass of water as if searching for the answers to all of life's greatest mysteries.

"Tell me Lord El-Melloi, have I truly become so overused that at best I'm nothing more than a convenient plot tool?" asked the mighty lord of the Second True Magic looking up from the glass and hoping for a new and more reliable source of answers "these days it feels as though people merely raise their eyebrows in exasperation when they hear my name. Not like the good old days when people truly respected and feared the power of the second magic."

"You forgot the II in my title again" glowered Waver at the vampire sitting on his couch.

Considering his normal countenance, very few people would have noticed the change in facial expression. Zelretch was obviously not and never would be one of those people.

"A better question is; would you actually take a man giving 'private tutelage' to a sister 'not connected by blood' seriously?" asked Zelretch with his fingers emphasizing all the unnecessary quotation marks.

"…No" responded Lord El-Melloi II with a resigned sigh "so tell me what has managed to make the mighty Zelretch introspective today."

"I hired one of those bright eyed idealistic do gooders as a new janitor so that I could have a little fun" answered Zelretch as a scowl crossed his face "the problems started when I brought him into a pocket universe and the little boy scout didn't even have the good decency to complain about having to clean it all up. I mean, what is the point in having a minion that won't even whine about silly little things like 'human rights' or 'common decency?' I understand that he wants to be helpful, but that boy takes the whole hero of justice and saving people thing far too seriously."

"Hero of justice?" asked Waver as a horrible suspicion formed in the pit of his gut "where dexactly oes this new janitor of yours come from?

"Shirou? He's from Japan" stated Zelretch causing Waver to grimace as his prayers went unanswered once again. Waver had something of a love-hate relationship country. Usually the hate won out.

"…I suppose it is possible that this Shirou wouldn't be impressed with you if he was a chuunibyou" said Waver with an annoyed frown.

"I'm afraid that I'm not familiar with this term" admitted Zelretch with a small tilt of his head.

"A chuunibyou, or 'chuuni' for short, is someone who suffers from eighth graders syndrome" stated Waver as he entered a lecturing pose "or to be more precise a chuuni is a person with a skewed perception of reality based around a concept that they consider core to themselves such as 'love' and 'justice.' These people tend to lack common sense and randomly spout off annoying catch phrases like 'believe it.' It could be said that these people live in their own personal little worlds unwilling to conform to society and grow up. The number of chuuni among young men and women in Japan is growing rapidly as a result of the anime industry."

"So what you're saying is" questioned Zelretch sounding passingly interested in were this conversation was heading "that because of this 'anime' thing my new janitor lacks the necessary common sense to fear me and might have the ability to manifest an inner world because he refuses to give up his childish delusions?"

"Don't be absurd and twist my wording like that" stated Waver while pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation "there is no way that a Reality Marble can be that easy to achieve."

"You can never be too sure. Considering that reality marble research is banned we don't exactly have much of a prior precedent on how they are actually formed in humans. For all we know this could be some secret plan by Alaya to accelerate the evolution of humanity into some form of newtype" pointed out Zelretch with a mild shrug getting an eye roll from Waver.

"Anime as a secret conspiracy to turn humans into higher life forms?" replied Waver with a shake of his head "Now I have heard it all."

"It seems to work for the janitor" said Zelretch as his eyes stared into the wall in front of him with a glazed expression "I had planned to teach the boy some manners after he had the gall to call my sorcery lame by making him fight an outer demon. You know, make him beg for forgiveness and mercy on his hands and knees. But then he retaliated by summoning more and more of the monstrosities himself. It's not often that I meet someone capable of summoning demons using nothing more than a one line aria. For a moment there I was actually worried for my life."

"What?" asked Waver as he looked at the vampire checking to see if the statement was some sort of a joke. No such luck, Zelretch still had the thousand yard stare. This Shirou was suddenly sounding far more dangerous than a mere chuunibyou. Was there a conspiracy after all?

It might just explain the entity known as Flat Escardos.

"Fortunately we decided to team up when the demons started their offensive" said Zelretch as an odd tone entered his voice "together in that room fighting back to back against a horde we forged a bond deeper than blood and against all odds saved our selves from a fate worse than death. I honestly feel ashamed that for all of these years I had thought of projection and reinforcement as nothing more than mere parlor tricks. It was glorious."

Waver slowly blinked once and then twice. The idea that a mere janitor could summon much less challenge a type of demon that even his liege Rider had failed to subdue with the full might of his army was simply ludicrous. Not that Waver would openly contradict Zelretch who had apparently not only witnessed it, but had even taken part in the battle himself.

"Well, at least you managed to win" said Waver feeling a headache starting to form. And none of his students were even around.

"Not at all. We barely managed to survive their terrifying space CQC" said Zelretch with a sad shake of his head "the only reason we are still alive is because there was going to be some marathon involving magical girls or such nonsense and they didn't wan't to miss it."

It was then that the door to the room opened leaving Waver and Zelretch speechless as a very frazzled Vice Director entered the room. Ignoring the duo Lorelei Barthomeloi set about preparing herself some tea while dutifully preventing any of the many tears in her suit from opening further. It was only after her beverage was prepared that she deigned her stupefied audience with her attention.

"Oh, hello there Zelretch, I have been meaning to ask if you have felt anything peculiarly odd today" said the Vice Director with a thin smile at seeing the vampires equally ragged appearance. Waver barely managed to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Well, at least things can't get any worse" mused Waver at the usual antics between the two he now shared the room with. Because, really, what could possibly be any worse than having to share a room alone with these two?

With a panicked crash Zelretch tossed himself under the table shouting obscenities as he tried to hide himself from the horrors only he knew.

SCENE BREAK 5

Rin Tohsaka's plan to become one of the best students had hit a slight snag earlier that day. But that was okay because it was only a very small and minor setback. Really! With torn clothes and darkening bruises others might have disagreed with this sentiment. But Rin was an optimist!

When dealing with an apprentice and boyfriend as delusional and hopeless as her Shirou, she could not afford to have anything but a positive out look on life. On any other path lay madness!

So as she made her way into the cafeteria Rin wore a genuine smile on her face as she optimistically made plans to eviscerate her new found nemesis. As these were plans made by Rin, they were doomed to a catastrophic failure. It was practically a rule of the world. Fortunately, the only one crazy enough to destroy what little was left of her innocence by telling her about this had faded away shortly after kill stealing from him self.

Her life was kind of complicated like that.

Grabbing a tray, Rin managed to acquire some pot roast with a hefty side of vegetables that looked a tad over cooked. Looking around Rin saw several students had already grouped together at tables talking animatedly with each other about various topics ranging from the start of the new term, on going research, and even to the fiasco that the ceremony had become. Odds were high that these groups had formed from preexisting factions of allied magus families.

"Hey, Rin!"

Rin turned towards the source of the voice and saw a hand waving at her from above a head topped with spiky red hair. Making her way there Rin saw Shirou sitting by himself looking to be in as rough of a shape as herself.

"Bad day?" "Rough day?"

"I've had worse" "Could be worse"

Rin failed to hide her mirthful smile at their synchronization. She sat down across from her apprentice and allowed herself a few moments to stretch her back with a small sigh of relief. Looking up Rin saw Shirou staring at her with a level of intensity that always managed to surprise her.

"Rin I have something I need to talk to you about" said Shirou as he gave her a smile of such pure joy and happiness that Rin immediately felt heat rise up to her cheeks at the vibrant emotion directed towards her and her alone.

'Did Shirou somehow convince them to make him an actual member of the Association? Maybe he managed to find a new and cheaper source of jewels for my craft?' wondered Rin as she barely resisted the urge to squirm in her seat at his stare before her face suddenly turned a glowing red as another far more dangerous thought took root in her mind 'or per-perhaps he's actually going to a-ask me to mar-marr…'

"I have accepted a position as a janitor" said Shirou with the same million watt smile still on his face as Rin slumped in her seat with a black cloud of despair hanging over her head.

Only you Shirou, only you

"My first steps on the path to becoming a hero of justice might be more dangerous than we had initially planned for with this position, but I feel that this is definitely the… eh, Rin?" trailed off Shirou in confusion as he stared at the wilting sack of dead flesh seated before him. Rising from the grave Rin simply smiled at him. And Shirou jumped back in sheer unrelenting terror.

Seeing Shirou recoil and fall back from his seat like that always managed to make her feel a little bit better. She had trained him well.

"Shirou, I'm either going to beat some common sense into that thick skull of yours or I'm going to make you wish that your personal hell could be only as bad as Archer's" said Rin still smiling sweetly at him.

"Common sense is for muggles" was the immediate response from her cowering apprentice.

"Shirou, just because the magical members of popular fiction are depicted as lacking good judgement doesn't mean that its true for magi in the real world" said Rin as she released a frustrated groan.

"But Rin, I thought that the purpose of magecraft was to overcome the common sense of the world?" asked Shirou with a furrowed eyebrow rising up.

"Thats not the same thing!" growled Rin with twitching eyes before calming herself down when she noticed several pairs of eyes turn their way. The last thing she needed was more attention after what had happened at the initiation ceremony. Fortunately the massive brawl that had broken out had managed to cover her tracks as one of the instigators.

Either that or random fights were so common that the faculty couldn't be bothered to care anymore…

"So tell me about this janitorial position that you were so happy about" asked Rin as she slowly toyed with her food figuring that it was better to just change topics for now. She still didn't understand how Shirou always managed to pull her out of her idol facade like that.

"The person in charge of administrative duty today decided that I was qualified to jump straight up to a senior janitorial position" replied Shirou with a small smile of relief "the work is hard and surprisingly dangerous, but I think it will give me plenty of experience for when I head off into the world. After having me work for a bit, my boss had to head up to the post ceremony meeting and let me keep an azoth dagger as a small bonus pay. I think that I really impressed him with my abilities. He even said that with a little more experience I have the potential to reach the elite position of plumber within as little as half a year."

"What is so elite about being a plumber?" asked Rin with an arched eyebrow. She understood that the position could be nasty and dangerous if improper sanitary precautions were taken. But other than that?

"Do you remember how in chemistry class people always forgot to use the waste buckets and instead used the drains" questioned Shirou getting a nod of confirmation from Rin "now imagine all of that but with various magical ingredients added."

That thought gave Rin pause. Hundreds if not thousands of different magecraft projects and chemicals mixing together. Rin felt a small shudder travel down her spine as she looked around at the walls feeling as if she were in some kind of a death trap.

"I talked to some of the other custodians and rumor has it that an artificial world formed down in the pipe works. According to several plumbers the magical energies have given form to a mushroom kingdom and a new race of sentient turtles" said Shirou with his face pressed into a contemplative frown "strangely the reports on the turtles vary on them being an evil army ruled by an overlord or a small group of benevolent ninja turtles led by a rat."

"Shirou, you can't believe everything people tell you" said Rin as she brought a hand before her mouth with a slight giggle "odds are that they are just teasing you with tall tales since you're the new guy."

"Eh, I guess your right" replied Shirou with a small smile of his own as he turned to his meal "that would be pretty weird."

"When am I not?" asked Rin as she also reluctantly turned her attention back to her own meal. The meal stared back silently just daring her.

"So this is British cuisine…" said Shirou as he shuffled his food with his silverware "…I think I understand Saber a little bit better right now."

"…"

"Want to head back to the dormitory and fix something up?"

"You took the words right out of my mouth."

CHAPTER END

Next Chapter: Grey meets a new student who believes that turning the pages of his text books into origami is an efficient way to study, Rin gets kidnapped in the middle of class and nobody does anything about it, and finally Shirou… also gets kidnapped? Oh, my!

AN1: I find reading battle scenes (regardless of how well they are written) to be dull and tedious. I'm not inclined to put in the effort to write such scenes myself as I'd rather focus on character interaction. While some 'fights' will be shown, they will be more character (or humor) driven than anything else. If you prefer long epic battles, this might not be the fanfic for you.

AN2: To best explain my vision of this fanfic, imagine the cut throat policies of Totsuki Academy from Shokugeki no Soma with all the business as usual chaos of Nerima from Ranma 12. Then toss in a nice guy like Shirou. Its kind of like fighting fire with oil and then detonating a Nuke just to be sure.