Warning: book contains Boyxboy, mentions of abuse, and lots of angst. Extremely AU.
Behind my empty smile
James' POV
My life before CHERUB is a mystery to everyone other than the staff. They would never give this kind of special treatment to anyone else, but with how dark my life was before I arrived at CHERUB when I was 10, they made an exception.
I never had a normal family. My father was a rich man, but not famous. My mother was an ex-circus prodigy, and taught me all of her tricks and gymnastics and knife throwing and martial arts. I had three older brothers.
But when I was 8 my mother died. We were both in a plane crash. My already distant father left, and my oldest brother looked after us. My other siblings both blamed me and abused me, but Adam, my oldest brother, stood up for me.
A month or two before I turned 9 Adam and I were playing in the woods behind our manor. It was snowing the last week, and the pond was completely frozen over. Adam started running and sliding over the ice whilst I threw snowballs at him, and he was walking over to me to pull me on the ice. Half way there, the ice started to crack and I had to watch my brother, my best friend, hell, my dad - drown.
Because my protecter was gone; my brothers' abuse got worse dramatically. It had literally turned into torture. They kept telling me I killed Adam, and that it's my fault.
But, Timmy's (second oldest) sanity started to crack, and two or three months after I turned 9, when I went to clean his room I found him hanging from the light in the ceiling.
Markus was angry, and after a few months of horrible beatings and stabbings and whippings and torture, he shoved me into the back of his car and drove us head on into a ditch in the road where there was construction going on.
I somehow survived and woke up in the hospital after a week in a coma. I had to stay there for a few weeks and had to see a therapist everyday once they confirmed what all the scars on my body were from.
That therapist was Jennifer Mitchum. It took a month for me to even talk to her, but after another few weeks, she took me to CHERUB. I was at CHERUB right on my 10th birthday. I scored the highest results out of all the tests they'd had at CHERUB. I broke that boy's arm in the first spar, I scored full marks on the exam (I even finished 10 minutes early) and I flipped and flew around the obstacle course like a true circus brat (it's genetic) and finished with the fastest time. I killed the chicken as soon as I was asked as well. I mean, I eat meat, there was no problem with that.
The most interesting test though was the brick in the pool. Instead of having me swim laps like they usually would do, the dropped a brick in the deep end of the swimming pool and told me to get it. I loved swimming before the accident, so I knew I could, I was just scared of water. But, I wanted to pass the test, so I thought of the brick as if I could jump in and pull it out like I should have done with Adam, and that it would make him proud.
I did get the brick, and I swam really fast because even though I was doing the test, I still detested water, and as soon as I was out I scrambled as close to the wall as I could.
Basic training was easy, really. It was basically what I'd been going through at the manor for two years, except it was easier, because I wasn't beaten and I was given food instead of having to sneak it. Also, my partner - Nicole - dropped out in the first day and I still had bandages and tape on me so my scars were mostly covered, and nobody noticed the rest.
My mum had taught me lots of languages, and because I have an eidetic memory I learnt them very quickly. I spoke Russian, Romanian, Mandarin, Vietnamese, Cantonese, German, French, Spanish, Italian and Greek. Normally you would learn a language to match your ethnicity but I had to learn Arabic instead. It was pretty easy, because a few days before we were dropped off in that jungle, we were given the dictionary to remember as much as we could. I memorised the entire language.
After basic training, I was sent on a mission with a girl named Amy Collins. Ewert, our mission handler, said it was the best mission he'd organised throughout his time at CHERUB. There was the part where I almost died, but I refused to quit the mission and we finished it with no other bumps. I was awarded my navy shirt, and a week later, I was sent on another mission to take down part of the Russian mob.
It was the most dangerous mission CHERUB had ever given, but I completed it without a hitch. Even after that part of the mob had been taken down, nobody knew I was responsible, so I now have some powerful 'uncles' in Russia, meaning CHERUB always had some tabs on the Russian mob.
I was awarded my black shirt, and was the youngest black shirt in CHERUB history.
Other people my age tried to become friends with me because of my 'status', but because I was already working on my A-levels and was in the advanced black shirt classes, I was never near them apart from breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Amy and another senior agent from my third mission - Dave, Ewart, Zara (who's now the chairwoman) and little Joshua are my only friends, and apart from Joshua and Amy(whose in Australia) they're all staff.
It's never bothered me, to be honest. I mean, don't want 'friends' my age. It could over complicate things. Well, I've had a few boyfriends or 'girlfriends' (I'd always kind of known I was gay) but they were only on missions. I don't know, I might try to find a real boyfriend when I leave CHERUB to go live with Amy for a year before I come back here, but I don't need to think about that now.
But, anyway, if I had friends I'd have to tell them about my past, but it just doesn't seem worth it. Besides, I'm used to hiding my past behind fake smiles. I don't think I'd really know how to function if I don't pretend to be all carefree around others. It's routine.
And I've not met anybody my age who wants to know me. The real me.
And I doubt that will change anytime soon.
