Author's Note: This is just a crazy little alternate universe fic that popped into my head after I got my copy of Slayers Premium. I was watching one of the bonus features which is an interview with Crispin Freeman (the uber-amazing English voice of Zelgadis), where he was asked about what he thought the hypothetical next phase of the Slayers show might be like, since Slayers Premium was supposed to be the last hurrah for the original four characters. Of course years later they made two new seasons, so the question is kinda obsolete now. However, his answer was totally amazing and I agreed with him 100%. Too bad the Japanese writers didn't hear it. Anyways, his response was that since they've already had so many adventures and developed so much as characters and in their relationships with each other and what not, the next obvious step was to take the show in an "I Love Lucy" route where you have two dysfunctional couples, and the show is basically centered on the mayhem that ensues from these characters and their interactions.

… From the minute he said that, I had no choice but to make it happen.

So, after trying and failing to get a visual picture of what these characters would look like in such a setting (I'll try again later) I decided to write up a little drabble of what the Slayers would be like in a domestic 50's setting. Personally I think it sounds like a lot of fun.

And I know he was talking about this in the context of the show (meaning medieval-ish life and what have you) but I couldn't get the "I Love Lucy" image of them out of my head. So thank you Crispin Freeman, first off for planting this amazing little idea in my head, and second for being so supportive of canon couplings! (He so sums up Zel and Amelia better than anyone: "He's just such a grouch, and she's the ultimate optimist, so of course they're perfect for each other!")

Anways, on with my somewhat crack-y story, "I Love Lina"!

… Please don't take it too seriously.

…..

"Gourry…"

"Lina…"

"Please Gourry?"

"Lina-"

"PLEASE Gourry?"

"Lina, I've already told you – "

"Just this ONCE? Pretty Please?"

"Lina, I can't – "

"With a cherry on top?"

"A cherry? Are you making a pie, Lina? Can you make that one with the… HEY! Don't change the subject!"

"Gourry, you promised this ONE time I could – "

"When the heck did I promise anything?"

"But… but I'm your wife!"

"Lina, that doesn't change a thing! You are not coming with me to training camp, and that is FINAL!"

Lina Gabriev stared up at the tall form of her husband, a vein throbbing in her temple as she placed small hands on her hips and planted her feet.

"And just who the heck are YOU to boss ME around, huh? I can do whatever I want!"

Gourry sighed wearily as his small wife stared him down. She was barely two thirds his height, yet that glare had sent men larger than him screaming in terror more than once.

"Listen. Lina, you're not in the military anymore. I can't just let you tag along during training. And besides, I don't want anything to happen to you –,"

"JUST STOP right there buddy. I was in the military for two years before I met you! I managed fine on my own!"

"Yeah, but Lina, that was different. It was a war! People didn't mind if you went crazy with the weapons! But you know this is a different program; the guys in charge won't like it if you go all gung-ho with their expensive guns. Besides, you're married now! You've got a family to raise and a house to maintain!"

'It's just the two of us and I HATE housework!' Lina thought angrily, repressing a growl. But she wasn't about to give up yet. Letting her shoulders slump, she turned away, working up tears as she said softly, "Don't you understand Gourry… you're gone almost every weekend… I just… I miss you." She turned her watery eyes back up to her husband, her bottom lip pouting out as she brought her hands up and went in for the kill. "I just want to be with you. Always."

"Lina…" Gourry replied just as softly, bringing his large hands up to rest on her shaking shoulders, "… you and I both know the only thing you miss is shooting guns."

Lina swore in her head, turned, and stormed off, though not before jabbing a bony elbow in her husband's gut.

…..

Lina tore into her work with a vengeance, chopping into the vegetables with such malice one would think they had threatened her personally. Of course her terrifying glares were not quite aimed at the food in particular (she could never be angry with food, it being one of her treasures in life) but at her idiot husband who always left her behind when he went to go for combat training every weekend.

'I mean it's not like I've never done combat training before…,' she thought angrily, ' I was the head of the women's division at Fort Ruby Eye! NO ONE could shoot a gun like Lina Inverse! Especially when they brought out the big guns….' A twisted smile etched its way onto her face, her chopping becoming more erratic as she reminisced. 'And when they let us fly the planes – WATCH OUT world! Nothing could take me down, and no one could escape. After all, I wasn't known as 'The Nazi Killer' for nothing!'

Her hands were moving at almost uncontrollable speeds at this point, and things may have gotten ugly if her train of thought hadn't been suddenly interrupted by a high-pitched yell of "MISS LINA!"

As it was, her hand stopped abruptly in an upright position, while the knife continued in its momentum to slip from her grasp and lodge into the wall behind her, barely missing the tail of a grinning cat clock.

Lina stared sweating at the butcher knife, which was now only visible by the handle, and then turned a fierce glare at the one who had interrupted her.

"What the heck are you trying to do, Amelia? Give me a heart attack?"

Amelia rubbed at her forehead underneath her purplish-black bangs, sighing in relief and trepidation.

"Miss Lina, if I hadn't said something, you would've chopped off your fingers!"

Lina merely scoffed and folded her arms across her apron.

"I would not. I was totally in control of the situation. I was just… trying to get dinner ready as soon as possible! Gourry's gonna be home from work any minute, and - ," Lina paused as a thought struck her. She turned to the small girl next to her and said, eyebrows raised "Speaking of which, why are you over here? Shouldn't Zel be coming home soon too?"

Amelia turned her face away quickly to stare at the floor, her small hands fiddling with the edges of her white apron, which Lina just noticed had multiple dark spots that looked suspiciously like soot.

"Well… you see…," she trailed off, unable to bring her eyes to meet her red-headed friends. "I was baking a pot roast, and…."

Lina just stared levelly at the flustered girl. "Let me guess. You burnt it."

Amelia sniffled loudly, and suddenly fell to a heap on the floor with an anguished cry of "YES!"

"How does that even happen!"

"It was taking so long, so I just decided to turn it up so it would be ready in time, but then Gracia called, and then I had to go feed Mr. Pokota, and then the smoke alarm started going off, and then-,"

"Amelia, you gotta stop trying to multitask! Just tell your sister to call later, and feed that mangy rabbit beforehand!"

"But Miss Lina, they need me! Mr. Pokota's just a helpless animal, and Gracia's going through a tough time right now, and –"

"Naga's a lazy freeloader. We both know it."

"Oh Miss Lina, must you call her that? Just because she has a stage name now doesn't mean her real name disappeared! And she works very hard! In fact, she just got asked to do another show for the soldiers next week!"

"She was using that stage name before they started asking her to perform. And now that she's working as a showgirl for the USO she thinks she's better than me! Why are they even having shows now? There's not even a war going on! … Anyways, we're completely off topic now! The point is you've got to do something about your cooking skills! At this rate you're gonna end up burning down your whole kitchen!"

Amelia's lip trembled, and she burst into tears all over again.

The older woman simply stood and sighed, one hand lightly rubbing at the throb in her temple as her younger friend made a scene on her kitchen floor. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Look, Amelia, just wait until Zel gets home and have him cook something! You know he's good at it!"

Amelia's head shot up, her wet eyes filled with horror. "Oh no Miss Lina! I couldn't possibly do that! He works so hard every day at the office, and when he gets home he's always so worn out… it's the least I can do for him! And besides!" she lifted herself off the floor to strike a fist in the air, shouting "I'm his wife! I should be able to cook for him! In the name of Justice, I must help take care of my husband who provides for us!"

Lina looked incredulous. "Amelia, he works for your Dad. The Governor. He's the one who helps you out financially."

Now it was Amelia's turn to look incredulous. "Well… your husband works for him too!"

Lina colored a bit but turned back to her dinner preparations.

"That's not the point. The point is it wouldn't hurt every once in a while to have your husband cook to save the both of you from food poisoning. Besides, with the help your dad gives you, you could always go out to eat!" A sudden gleam shone in her eyes as she turned to the dark haired girl and said "and then you can always take your two best friends along with you as a friendly gesture!"

Amelia scowled at her friend, crossing her arms and saying "The last time we took you out to eat Miss Lina, you two nearly threw the state into debt! I'm not going to abuse Daddy's funds for your stomachs."

"Fine." Lina said, turning back to dressing a chicken. "If you're so desperate to make him something, why not try one of those new microwave dinners? They're fool proof! Or better yet, ask Sylpheal to teach you some recipes like I did!"

The younger girl deflated slightly and turned away, saying "But Mr. Zelgadis is so picky about what he eats, and you know I'm not big on technology… and as for Miss Sylpheal, she's always so busy over at the base…."

"Oh yeah…" Lina intoned. She had forgotten that their friend Sylpheal was currently working as a full-time nurse at the Sairague Military Hospital the next town over… the thought of one of their old military buddies only served to remind Lina of her earlier argument with Gourry, causing that same cloud of anger to hover over her mind once more.

Amelia noticed the change in her friend's expression, and tentatively placed a hand on the young woman's shoulder, saying softly, "Miss Lina? Is everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah…" Lina mulled a bit more, then began hesitantly, "It's just…."

"Mr. Gourry won't let you come with him to training."

"Wha- But… How did you know?"

Amelia looked at her with wide eyes. "What? Miss Lina, you always get like this before he leaves. Almost every week."

Lina continued to stew, though her face was steadily becoming red from having been so easily found out. "Yeah, well, he's just being stupid about it! Plenty of the men take their wives with them – "

"To bring them things and take care of them, not to train with them Miss Lina!"

Lina looked flabbergasted, putting a melodramatic hand over her heart as she started to say "But I would never -,"

"C'mon Miss Lina, we both know you wouldn't be there to make him cookies. Remember the last time he wouldn't let you come and you tried to sneak in?"

The red-headed girl was becoming a bright pink. "Well that's -,"

"You broke into the firing range and had shot off four guns before the guards were able to haul you off."

"Well yeah, but -,"

"And then that other time when you pretended to be a cleaning lady in order to sneak into the barracks and steal the loose weapons?"

"I just wanted to borrow them, I -,"

"Or how 'bout that one incident when you dressed up as the director; though I must say, that was surprisingly convincing -,"

"ALRIGHT! I get the picture!"

Amelia chuckled nervously as the enraged women brandished a pepper shaker at her, implying bodily harm if she dared mention anymore 'incidents'.

At the younger girl's semi-pleading look, the red-head turned briskly to open the oven.

"I see what you're saying, but I wouldn't have to do those things if Gourry would just let me train with him! I mean really! It's just a little exercise to keep me in form - what's the worst that could happen?"

This time, Amelia wisely kept her mouth shut.