Me: Well! With the start of a new year comes the start of a new STORY! YAY! This story was actually started on June 14, 2005, according to my computer… I recently decided that I needed more humor and was writing to many adventure stories! SOO… Here we go!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters that originally belong in the game. Everything else is mine though… HAHAHA! This is basically like one of those TV shows where people do stupid things and live together to compete for money. Hope you enjoy it!
Additional Note: To WyvrenWing: I'll be continuing FFVII – Rewritten soon… the chapter's about a page done
Final Fantasy VII – To Win a Million
Chapter 1 – Meet the Contestants: The Insanity Begins
Once upon a time, there was a man named Shikaku Zetsumei. He lived in peaceful Wutai. Of course, this had been disrupted when the members of AVALANCHE had passed through. Weeks later, they had stopped Meteor and defeated Sephiroth. The members were happy. Each went their separate ways after the Planet was saved. It looked like all was well. Little did they know, the man that they had met only briefly in Wutai was one of the legendary AUTHORS! These people were known to weave, in separate worlds, the fates of those who lived on the Planet. This is the story of how this one author made these brave heroes' lives hell… (Krakow! Mysterious lightning strikes for effect…)
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The host, none other than the great Shikaku Zetsumei, walked out into the middle of the room.
"And we are here to play To Win a Million! These brave people will live in this house during the duration of the game!" Zetsumei grinned at the camera. "AND HEEERRRREEEEE ARE THE CONTESTANTS!"
The camera zoomed to the right.
"First up, we have the brave blonde (undertone…) with the identity crisis (normal voice) CLOUD STRIFE!"
Cloud stared blankly at the screen.
"Um… hi there…"
"Next up! We have the busty bartender, TIFA LOCKHEART!"
"Hi everybody! Hi Cloud!"
Cloud just smiled.
"Next, we have the giant, black guy with that gun… BARRET WALLCE!"
"Hey! That's racist!"
"Sorry!" hehe…
"Jus watch yer mouth!"
"Anyway, next we have the pretty flower girl (undertone) cough… slum drunk… (normal voice) AERIS GAINSBOROUGH!"
She came out and smiled sweetly at crowd.
"HI AERIS!" Cloud shouted, waving wildly.
"Hiya Cloud!" She said.
Tifa looked as if she wanted to kill someone.
"Next up! Our favorite furry friend… NANAKI!"
He came into the room and looked at the audience.
"Why did I come here again…?"
"Because you did. Next up is the creepy vampire from the crypts… VINCENT VALENTINE!"
He glided into the room.
"okay…"
"What is the point to this… why does this game exist…?"
"I said, okay! I'm the host! NOT YOU!"
"-sighs- no reason to live…"
"Dammit… he's rambling again… someone hit him or something…"
Tifa whacked Vincent and he collapsed onto the stage.
"Next! We have the spunky Wutai princess/ninja… YUFFIE KISARAGI!"
Yuffie did several handsprings onto the stage.
"Thank you! Thank you!" She shouted, clearly enjoying the attention.
"Okay! Next we have the chimney from Rocket town… CID HIGHWIND!"
"Shut the -bleep- up!"
"Sorry folks. If you want that kind of language, go to Comedy Central or the rated 'M' stories…"
"Get the -bleep- on with the show!"
"Okay! Okay! geez… Next we have… something… I can't read it's handwriting… It appears to say Cait Sith…"
Everyone on stage groaned. Cait Sith bounded onto the stage.
"Hello." He said.
"Go away. I don't like you."
"Well, I want the money."
"Whatever…"
Zetsumei looked around the room at the contestants.
"Well, it looks like we are missing one person if we want to compete in the game. So here is your first vote!"
Two figures walked out onto the stage. Everyone gasped.
"YOU!" Everyone shouted, pointing at either one of the two.
"Well. Which is it gonna be. Will your final member be… Sephiroth?"
"If you don't choose me, I'll kill you all!"
"Or Chaos?"
"If you don't choose me, I'll kill you all!"
"I wondered why it was so quiet in my head…" Vincent muttered.
Everyone stayed in silence for some time…
"Do we have to vote…?" Tifa asked.
"Yes."
Zetsumei passed out tiny slips of paper and pencils. Then he went around with a box and collected the slips. He counted up the results.
"And the final result is… SEPHIROTH, with a total count of seven versus two!"
"Who voted for Chaos?" Vincent growled.
"Who voted for Sephiroth?" Cloud grumbled.
"Bye bye, Chaos!" Zetsumei waved.
"Why you little…!"
Chaos tried to kill Zetsumei. He snapped his fingers. A giant mob came out and tackled him. Chaos was dragged out of the room. A while later, a test tube was brought back in.
"Here ya go, Vince! Chaos!"
"NOO! Why couldn't you just keep him!"
"Because he keeps trying to escape to destroy the world."
Everyone stared at Vincent, seeing him act like this for the first time.
"He must really hate Chaos..." everyone thought.
Chaos was injected back into Vincent.
"Now we have to choose the groups! The machine shall now choose!"
The machine bleeped and the results were shown on the screen.
Cloud, Aeris "Yay! Aeris!" Cloud cheered.
Cid, Barret "God dammit!" Both cursed.
Tifa, Vincent "I'm gonna kill you Cloud…" Tifa muttered.
Nanaki, Cait Sith "Great. I get the cat."
"AHHHHH!" Yuffie was already screaming before the last group was shown.
Yuffie, Sephiroth "AHH!"
"Now. You shall be shown your living quarters!"
The contestants were led to a fairly large house.
"Each team gets one room with one bed and one bathroom…"
The only people that seemed partially happy or content about this were Nanaki, Cait Sith, Cloud, and Aeris. Everyone else was silently planning ways to kill Zetsumei. Here's a glimpse at their thoughts.
"Why that… little punk… wait… breath in… breath out… don't kill just yet… remember what Zangan taught you…" Tifa.
"Demons… I shall give you total control over this matter…" Vincent.
"Hope Marlene ain't watching this… damn… I don't have ammo with me… oh well... I can still beat him to death..." Barret.
"-bleep-! Bastard's asking for the Venus Gospel shoved up his ass…" Cid.
"How dare he mess with the Great Ninja Yuffie… I wonder if Godo still does beheading..." Yuffie.
"I wonder what he'd look like with my masamune sticking out of his neck… or maybe cut up into tiny bits…" Sephiroth.
Zetsumei continued, unperturbed.
"Kitchen is downstairs. Don't worry. There's food in the fridge. I won't be starving you."
Of course, decent food was the least of their worries.
"I will notify you of your task after you have settled down."
Zetsumei walked off. The teammates grudgingly trooped up into their rooms. They all thought things like, "Why did I join this game?" and "Chaos is so lucky…"
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(Cloud and Aeris's Room)
"So… shall we share the bed?"
"Sure, Cloud!" Aeris said smiling.
(Tifa and Vincent's Room)
"So… What do we do?"
"You can have the bed."
"What about you?"
"I will sleep on the floor." Vincent said, grabbing his pillow.
(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)
"I'll just shut myself off."
"That will work."
(Cid and Barret's Room)
"God dammit! I want the bed!"
"So do I!"
"I sure as hell ain't gonna sleep with you!"
"Shut up, Chimney!"
"Fine! Rock, paper, scissors."
"Fine!"
"Loser sleeps on the floor."
"Fine."
"Rock, paper, scissors!"
"Dammit!"
Barret slept on the ground for the duration of the game.
(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)
"Come on! Shouldn't you be a gentleman and let me take the bed?"
"No. Are you questioning my authority?"
"Eep… no…"
The rest of the day was spent exploring the rest of the house and whatnot.
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Everyone slept peacefully for the most part. Except…
(Cloud and Aeris's Room)
Nothing happened you sickos…
(Tifa and Vincent's Room)
They slept. Nothing else. What else do you want me to write here?
(Cid and Barret's Room)
"God dammit, Chimney! Stop snoring!" Barret hissed, whacking Cid with his pillow.
"-bleep-! What the -bleep- did you do that for?"
"Stop snoring! You'll wake everyone up!"
"Stop yer -bleep- in' griping!" Cid grumbled as he fell asleep again.
(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)
Cait Sith was shut off in a corner as Nanaki lay on the bed.
(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)
Sephiroth's sharp hearing picked up the chattering of teeth.
"Damn… I'm gonna regret this…" he muttered as he set her in the bed and sat down on the floor.
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They awoke the next morning.
(Cloud and Aeris's Room)
"Good morning, Cloud!"
"Good morning, Aeris!"
(Tifa and Vincent's Room)
"How did you sleep?"
"Fine. Thanks, Vince."
(Cid and Barret's Room)
"Yo! Wake up, old man!" Barret kicked the bed.
"(snorts) Wha! -bleep-! It's morning already!"
"Yeah! Get yer lazy ass out of bed!"
"Shut the -bleep- up!"
(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)
"Hmm… How do I turn this thing on…"
He pondered upon the matter for some time.
"Oh. Here's the switch."
He flipped on the switch that was inside the cat's mouth with a claw.
(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)
"Hey, Sephiroth?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks…"
"Hmph…"
The General walked off.
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They sat yawning in the main foyer.
"Get ready, folks! Cuz this is your first game!"
They all stared blankly at the host, who had his arms raised high above his head. Apparently he was the only one who thought this any fun. Slowly, Cait Sith raised his hands above his head in imitation.
"Congratulations! Cait Sith and Nanaki win the first game!"
"WHAT!" Everyone else shouted.
"Yay!" Cait Sith cheered.
"Just kidding."
"Darn…" Cait Sith sighed.
"Out here! THIS IS YOUR FIRST GAME!" He gestured outside.
Everyone, well… almost everyone, gasped.
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Me: Haha… how was it? Lame? Good? Funny? Stupid? Next Chapter… THE FIRST GAME! Will be extremely funny! READ AND REVIEW!
