This is a bit about what Dean's subcoscious thinks. This isn't the Dean that is cocky and in control. This is the Dean that has been pushed behind a wall, never to be seen.
Even "Dean" has forgotten this other person really exists.
It may be good or bad, but I just wanted to write it. All feedback is totally appreciated, good or bad.
Disclaimer: I don't own SPN. Kripke, CW, and the others do. I would like to borrow Dean and Sam for a few hours and would it be strictly for pleasure, not profit. Don't sue! Thanks!
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I have been a prisoner for damn near thirty years. I don't know if I will ever get out and I have been told I am on borrowed time.
My name is Dean Winchester. I have been locked away since 1983. Sure, you may think I am crazy, but I am not. When I tell you my story, you will understand.
There are two of us. No, I am not drunk, high, or psychotic. Everyone has multiple facets that make them who they are. If you lock away one of the important ones, things become...unbalanced. Dean, as you know him, is totally showing this. That cocky, I don't give a fuck attitude is because I am not there to balance the scales. His constant need to be buried in some random chick is because I am not there to allow him to create and maintain relationships that last more than a night.
See, I am the part of Dean that contains innocence, the need for human intimacy, and the receptors for love. Dean can give it, but without me, he can not get it in return. I didn't run away. He kidnapped me and threw me in here. I have managed to escape, but the mean, iron hearted Dean always caught me and dragged me back to my shackles, kicking and screaming.
In 1983, I knew something was wrong. I felt as if I was being stalked and would be done away with. It was a fleeting feeling at first, but as time passed, it became obvious I was being hunted. I was caught very quickly and have only tasted freedom a few times since then.
When I manage to escape, everyone around Dean knows. I take over with a vengeance. Tears and emotional outbursts signal my presence.
You may have been there when I escaped. When Dean cried after his father died, that was me. The guards looked away for just a moment and I took my chance. They caught me, but freedom for even one moment was worth the beating I endured.
When Sam was lying on his death bed, again, no one was watching me. I broke free, but the tears and anguish signalled my escape. I again was caught.
Living in this prison is my own personal hell. I have cried out for the love of someone else. We are social creatures and I get no interaction. No, fucking a big tit blond does not cut it for me. My other half is fine with it. He is shallow anyway.
I want to feel a hand on my cheek tell me everything is going to be ok and listen to me. I want to hear someone say,"I love you" and mean it. I want to be needed, appreciated, and not ordered around and told to do this or go there.
I just want to be let free and accepted. I want to not be seen as weak. Really, I just want to be seen and acknowledged. Before anyone else can do that, Dean has to do that and let me out of here. Why can't he let me out? I hate being locked away. I am lonely and it is driving me insane.
What he doesn't realize is he is becoming just like the part of himself he locked away. if he would let me out, we could heal together.
