Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
Harry and Ron were playing Quidditch one day when suddenly Harry stopped in midair, transfixed on something on the ground. "Woah," he whispered dreamily.
Just then, Ron bludgeoned him with a Quaffle , and he fell off his broom, landing with a sickening Splat! on the ground 50 feet below.
"Harry!" Ron shouted, flying quickly to his aid.
Harry stood up, his right leg bent backward at an unnatural angle. His glasses had been smashed on impact, and several shards of glass were sticking out of his face. His eyes, untouched by the landing, remained glued to his object of praise. "Woah."
"Harry! Are you okay, mate?" Ron asked his dear friend.
"Woah," he repeated for the third time.
"Oh no!" Ron gasped, "He has brain damage!"
"Who is that?" Harry exclaimed, grabbing Ron's face and pointing to a sexy blonde walking across the way.
"Um, mate? How hard did you hit your head?" Ron asked.
Suddenly, the blonde looked up at Harry, flipping the long, luxurious, blonde hair around alluringly.
Harry's eyes bugged in lust.
The blonde cast him a seductive smile.
Then Harry said in a dreamy voice, "Well, I look at her, she looks at me. She's got me thinking about her constantly. But she don't know how I feel."
"Uh, Harry. You do realize that's a bloke, right?"
"What's her name?" Harry asked.
Ron raised an incredulous brow at Harry. "That's Malfoy, Harry. Our arch enemy!"
"Maria," Harry replied. "Maria, Maria, Maria. I'll never stop saying Maria."
"Uh," Ron moaned in agonizing worry. "Hermione!" he called out, hoping she could help him.
Harry suddenly took off towards Draco, limping as fast as he could. Draco threw his arms out towards Harry, running in slow motion to his long lost love.
From the opposite end of the field, an angry cry of indignation erupted from a blur that was speeding towards the creepy shipping. Hermione's foot collided with Harry's face at a speed faster than a speeding bullet.
The narrator groaned. "It is so friggin hard to write bullet! I keep trying to cross my L's!"
Hermione stood up and crossed her arms angrily. In a dike's voice, she scolded angrily, "I will not be having any more of this disgusting pairing! Why do fans find Harry and Draco such an alluring couple? It's despicable! Only I should be with Draco!"
On the sidelines, fan-girls squealed. "Oh Drakey-poo! You make my knees go weak!" All 100,000 of them squealed in unison, because of course that could totally happen.
"What the bloody hell?!" Ron protested. "Hey, Hermione!" he shouted indignantly at her, "I'm your boyfriend! Remember?!"
"Not until book seven!" she shouted back at him.
"Book seven? What's book seven? What's going on? Has everyone lost their minds?"
"Dammit! This is not at all what I intended," Luna snarled at her notebook. She has spiked her hair and dyed it black. Yes, in that order.
Snape, dressed in pink polka-dot skinny jeans and a floral-print V-neck T-shirt, skipped gaily up to her. "Hello!" he greeted, loudly and happily as he perched on the bench next to her, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Writing," she growled.
"Ooh! Is that a fanfic?" he snatched the notebook from her and began flipping through the pages. "I love fanfics! Hey, is this written in a secret code?"
"No, you idiot! It's my math homework." She ripped the notebook out of his hands and moved far down the bench, away from him. "Hey, narrator! If you're such a genius, why don't you help me with this crap?!"
"You have to kiss Severus first!"
"Why the hell would I have to do that?"
"Because it's adorable!"
"I hate you," she growled. She returned to the man's side, took his face, and kissed him full on the lips for 5 minutes.
At that moment, every one of Snape's fan-girls died from heart-break. Except for the narrator, of course.
"Hello? Back to me," Ron demanded of the narrator.
But the narrator's fingers hurt, so she decided to go to bed.
In the middle of the town square, the church bell rang, and an angel got his wings.
The End
