This is a very sad fic, character death. hope you weren't expecting MerDer Fluff. sorry, wrong story. Anyway, this deals with some difficult situations. i have written up to chaphter 4 which gives the story a happy ending but i decided to leave it at three. i feel three is enough. Anyway i need to stop rambling.

Please do me a favor and press that little purple button. Reviews always make me smile :D

(please listen to Linkin Park Numb, this is what the fics based on) :D

Meredith looked at Mark, Mark pulling at Derek's sleeve. She knew it was about her, Mark worrying that she wasn't stable. But she wasn't and she knew it. The multiple cuts and scars on her arms proved it but she was the only one that knew, up until she started scrubbing in.

Meredith pushed the scrub room door open, Derek standing. He Didn't look up at her, Meredith knowing he didn't want to see her. She was his ex mistress that had blown everything, a slip of the tongue to Addison having sent her back to New York and leaving Derek here on his own. He had stopped talking to her, but Meredith couldn't care. She didn't have the strength to care…or so she thought. She never realised that it was because of him that she had no energy, the energy that she did manage to have disappearing when she thought of him. He walked past her like she was invisible, her eyes closing as she smelt the aftershave. Mark looked between the two of them, Meredith moving out the way of the door.

'Sorry Dr Sloane,'

'Mark, no more Dr Sloane, Meredith,' Meredith smiled weakly. She ignored Mark as she watched Derek through the glass, her cuts and scars showing. He tried to get her attention but she never saw him. She had become immune to seeing anyone when Derek was around but he never saw her. Mark watched her leave in middle of surgery, Derek having snapped at her.

'You need to back off Derek,'

'What the hell are you talking about?'

'Lay off her ok,'

'mark, leave it out. I don't need you telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing,'

'Me and you need to talk, Dr Shepherd,' Derek looked up, Mark leaving the OR, claiming he wasn't needed anymore. Meredith stood against the nurses station, looking at the OR doors. When Mark came out, she turned and started walking quickly. He caught up, grabbing her arm and pulling her into an empty exam room.

'When did you start?'

'When did I start what?' Mark pulled Meredith's sleeve up gently, Meredith pulling it back down.

'it doesn't matter,'

'Meredith, I'm not the bad guy here. I can help you here. I can get the scars away and no one has to know,'

'How? Without doing surgery,'

'Easily, I have a way of stitching the cuts with no scars,'

'So I do it and you fix it, we could start a business,'

'Meredith,'

'Mark, I appreciate the offer but I am not your problem and I am handling this,' Mark walked over to Meredith, his arms going around her tentatively . At first she felt like she was in an alien place but then it happened, the feeling of help flooding her. She grabbed onto his scrub top, her legs going weak. Her tears stained his scrub top, Mark just glad he could let her. She stepped back, wiping her face.

'I shouldn't be doing this,'

'Meredith you need help, and have been needing it by the looks of your arms. Can i have look? Check everything,'

'No, I'm fine, Mark, just…just having a bad life,' Mark sighed the door closing after her.

'Where is Dr Sloane,' Meredith looked up, Derek standing in front of her.

'He's in the end exam room,'

'Tell him he wants me he can page me,'

'Yeah. How are you?'

'Fine Dr Grey,' Meredith turned and walked away, the feeling of Derek's eyes on the back of her neck. She sat in the locker room, up against the wall. She prayed no one would find her in the corner. She lifted her head up off her knee's the raised voices causing her she slide over to the lockers.

'she's got cuts up her arm Derek and she broke down in front of me. You expect me to ignore it? You expect me to just forget what I saw?'

'Mark, she split me and Addison up the day before I was gonna file for divorce. She couldn't wait,'

'Derek, she's broken and isn't going to magically repair herself. You need to help her,' Meredith pressed herself against the lockers.

'I don't know how to,' Meredith let the tears escape from her eyes, not bothering to wipe them away.

'Derek, she needs you right now more than she ever has before. You need to fix her cause she can't fix herself. Talk to her. Let her know you know she's there. Drop the Dr Grey and Dr Shepherd crap. She needs to feel like a human being that you did love at one point,'

'I still do,' Marks eyes widened

'I still love her Mark,'

'Then what the hell are you doing?'

'I said things to her…things I regret and I don't…I don't know how to take them back,'

'Derek, you need to tell her. She needs to hear that you love her,'

'No she doesn't. she doesn't need me to do anything. She'll get through this, she always does,' Meredith covered her mouth, the sob breaking free as the locker room door closed over. She shook her head, trying to pull herself together. It was no use, Meredith knew the only way to feel normal was to do the one thing that was killing her.

Meredith held the white gauze down on her arm, stopping the blood. She wrapped the dressing round, wincing with the pain but glad she could feel something, anything. Derek came up to her, Meredith holding the chart against her chest while she watched over the patient through the glass.

'Meredith,'

'Dr Shepherd, her pressure is stable and she's not actively bleeding,'

'We can drop the DR Shepherd,'

'No, I'll get through this, I always do remember,' Meredith handed Derek the chart, not looking at him. He grabbed hold of her wrist, Meredith putting her hand on top of his.

'Let me go,' Derek pulled her sleeves up, Derek's eyes glazing over. Meredith backed away from Derek, Pulling her sleeves down in the process.

'You Don't get to care just because you feel guilty. You…you said things that I can't…I can't get out of my head. Remember that I'm the one who couldn't wait for you to divorce Addison. Yeah, I'm the dirty mistress that blew the cover on your affair. You Don't get to try and help me. You don't mean it,'

'Yes I do, that's the point,'

'So the fact Mark Just cornered you in the locker rooms has nothing to do with the fact that your standing in front of me trying to make me open up and talk about my feelings?'

'Meredith,'

'You don't get to make me feel this way,' Meredith stood at the elevator door and waited for the elevators doors to open. She stood at the back of the lift, her back hard against the wall, Derek sliding in as the doors closed.

'Derek,' He walked up in front of her, Lifting her face up to his eye level.

'I love you,' Meredith shook her head, trying to break Derek's gaze on her face. Closing her eyes, the tears slipped out but the taste of them was soon replaced by the taste of Derek's lips on hers. Her arms slipped round her waist, Derek running his hands down her face/. She leaned her head against Derek's

'You can't do this to me…you can't hurt me again,'

'I wont hurt you,'

'You always do, wither it's deliberate or not,'
'I know I can fix you,'

'I know, but I can't get hurt,'

'I promise I won't hurt you but you need to let me help you,'

'I don't know…how can you help me?' Derek took hold of Meredith's hand, Meredith following him into an empty exam room. Her head fell as he unwrapped the dressing's, cleaning out the wounds.

'This has to stop,'

'How?'

'I'll get you better, I'll make you better,' Meredith shrugged her shoulders gently, knowing that it wasn't as simple as he thought.