Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I can distort the characters on here, and make people see how dumb it can be.

Author's note: Despite what you've read before, Bloodymuffinpuff is a lie. No, I'm not actually that stupid, and Lafanda does not exist. We are instead, two authors, striving to write a successful crackfic. We thought it'd be entertaining to also poke fun at some of the author's notes on here where people like to ramble on about their personal lives while it has no point whatsoever in the story. No, I am not pregnant nor is the other author. The grammar mistakes (for the most part. Run on sentences will remain as they are mocking the average Twilight fanfiction writer's style. Take offense if this is you, some of the younger authors do not know how to write) will be fixed, but the plot shall not be. If it were, this would no longer be a crackfic, right? Oh, and in case you were wondering about Lafanda. Her boyfriend was planning on breaking up with her, she was going to be suicidal and the baby would inevitably be born missing an arm and a leg after having her mother fall down the stairs. Also, her name was Belice. If you're curious as to whom is writing what: I, Mits (yes, I do have an actual account for Twilight under Mits where there are decent stories), will be writing the odd numbered chapters along with various oneshots. Bloody Tampons was written entirely by me. I hope it was disturbing enough for you, that was my goal. Zukoflame shall be writing all of the even-numbered chapters. Although she does not writer for Twilight on here (here fandoms consist of:Rurouni Kenshin and Avatar: The Last Airbender) she's read the series / kind of enjoyed whereas I despise it. You'll most likely notice that my chapters will eventually become more spiteful while hers are more crack. Oh, and for reviews. If you so choose to review, by all means, continue to flame. We enjoy reading them. The harsher, the better, in my opinion. Or if you think it's great fun and all, leave a positive one, as long as you do, in fact, leave some remark about your impressions. /end rant.

Midnight Eclipse
-Part One-

Hi, my name is Isabelle Mary Swan. My parents named me that because I am obviously a beautiful girl. My chestnut brown hair falls down just below my butt, and it sways perfectly in the wind, sometimes even without a breeze. My chocolate brown eyes are pools of brown that people say can look right into your souls.

I've always loved reading and my nose is never anywhere but inside a book. I don't have to wear glasses, but I do because they make me look sexier in that hot nerd kind of way. The frames are cats' eyes, and they make my chocolate brown eyes even more deep. My head is heart shaped because it means I have a big heart, and I love my boyfriend Edward more than anyone else in the whole wide world even my own family. I'd die without him. He's my anchor in the storm, the peanut butter to my fluff, my heart and my love.

Today, I was wearing a short crystal blue, mini skirt that just barely covered my butt, but I'm no slut (a/n: cue: annoying a/n that backs the obviously incorrect author's opinion), but I like to look good for all the guys at my school who won't stop drooling over me. Everyday all I see is puddles of drool on the floor from them. But I just blush and ignore them. If I were to look at them Edward would eat them.

But he shouldn't do that because then they'd know he's a vampire, and we'd have to move to Alaska, and I really don't want to meet Tanya because she is so much prettier than me, and she'd try to steal Edward from me like she did before I even met him! I'd die if Edward left me! He's my love, and I love him more than anything especially that fuckin' vile Mike Newton because Mike is such an annoying little nerd that won't leave me alone no matter how many times I tell him, which I've done repeatedly, that I'm not at all -or in any way- interested in him. Gah! He makes me wants to tear my eyes out and throw them at him, so that I don't have to look at him anymore!!!

Today, Charlie made me go to school even though I told him that it was Edward's birthday, and Alice wanted to go shopping, but he didn't believe me so now I'm in my sexy red truck driving to school without Edward because he hates my truck and wanted to take his super sexy silver Volvo instead. I love my truck though. I hate driving fast like all the Cullens, so I love my truck and the fact that it only goes to about 30 mph.

Anyway I got to school and parked in a parking spot right in between the lines. I was about 2 feet from the line on each side, so I was really proud of myself! Usually, I try to drive and I hit something because I'm just so clumsy for no reason at all! Ugh, it must be from my mother because Charlie really isn't that bad, though, I did see him trip over the vacuum the other day when he didn't think I was watching him I can't ever remember the last time he did chores at our house, seriously, he's such a lazy ass while I'm busting my hump all day. I don't really have a hump, it's just an expression.

Anyway, as I was saying, and I put my red truck in park making sure to take the key out of the key hole thing. As I was getting out of my car, I almost tripped on a leaf but Edward, my love, my Adonis, came out of nowhere and saved me again. He must have been hiding behind a tree, watching me secretly because he loves me so much, and he doesn't want to see me get hurt ever. Some people may call him a stalker, but I love him dearly with all my heart and soul, and it would quite literally kill me to live without him. I love him so much, especially when he wears his sexy hair messy like he was today. His eyes were so gold if I tried to sell them they'd be worth enough to buy a gold necklace!

I leaned in to kiss him, and he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you, Eddie" I said to him as I kissed him on the ear.

"I love you too, Belly"

I laughed as he carried me into school. I saw all the girls looking at my boyfriend, but they were just jealous because I had such an amazingly hott boyfriend, and they didn't, so I just smiled at them and went to class.

And I saw a paper on the ground, and I made sure to try and walk around it, but my foot hit it and I....

Thank you for sticking through this trash. Don't worry, it'll get better. And by better, I, of course, mean worse. Much, much worse.

I'm sorry if I missed any spelling / grammar errors. There were so many in the original version, that I'm sure I've missed at least one. The next chapters will be edited and put up either today or tomorrow. Bloody Tampons will stay as is for now, I guess. I might change it later.

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