"Do you even want this wedding?! Do you even want to marry me?!"
"Maybe I don't!"
There it was. Out in the open. The one thought Kurt had been suppressing for far too long because he felt too awful for even thinking it.
But, there was no way to take it back now.
He took a deep breath, the awful feeling of a weight being lifted off his shoulders.
Blaine's face was the very picture of heartbreak, "What changed?" he spoke, broken, "Was it something that I did? Because you know that I- I love you! I love you so much and I just-"
"It wasn't anything that you did." Kurt spoke quickly, wanting to somehow console his fiance(he could still call him that right?)who was on the brink of tears, "It's just- we're just kids! I mean, sure, we love each other now but, what if these petty fights continue a-and they just get worse and worse and then one day we're gonna wake up and realize that we hate the guy laying next to us in bed?! And I really don't want to hate you, Blaine, I don't want to resent you! I-It's -It's just-"
"Hey, hey." Blaine spoke soothingly, reaching over the table to grab Kurt's hand and hold them in his own, "Deep breaths, okay?" Kurt did as he said, Blaine's touch relaxing him as it always did, the sound of the rain also helped, "Now, talk to me. What do you want?"
Kurt could still see the fear in the man's eyes, he squeezed Blaine's hands, "Just to be clear, this is not a break up, okay?" Blaine visibly relaxed at that, but still looked wary, "I'm not even saying that I don't want to marry you- Well, I guess I did just say that, but what I meant was is that...this is all happening at a really fast pace for me and I'm clearly not handling it well. I don't regret us getting back together but, the proposal happened so soon after the fact that I don't feel like we had a chance to settle back into being us as a couple. We went from not together, to back together, to getting engaged all in the same week. And I'm happy that it happened, but, I'm not sure we're ready to take this big of step yet. I'm not sure I'm ready."
He kept his eyes glued to the table, afraid to look up and see what kind of emotion was reflected in Blaine's eyes.
"Is this why you've been acting so...cold and aloof?"
"Yes. I'm so sorry for all the fights I've been picking, especially that toothpaste thing, I shouldn't have turned that into what it became. I was just scared and didn't know how to tell you what I was feeling. I'm so sorry."
"Kurt, look at me."
He sighed and lifted his head. Those golden orbs sucking him into their depths with no hope of escape.
"Everything you're feeling is completely valid. I wish you had told me sooner but I'm so glad that you're telling me now. We can always call off the engagement and go back to just being boyfriends until you're ready."
"Oh, Blaine, that's not-"
"Kurt, when we were broken up, that is the worst my depression has ever been." Now it was Blaine's turn to stare at table, their still intertwined hands, "I thought nothing would ever be worse than the aftermath of the Sadie Hawkins dance but, breaking up with you almost killed me." He paused for a moment to collect himself and look up, Kurt knew what he was talking about. They had had long discussions about their lowest points during the breakup, "When you agreed to get back together with me, it was like a cloud lifted. My only thought was that I can never let you go again. I think thats why I proposed soon. So, not only could I be sure that we would always stay together but, also, to be sure that you really wanted to be with me. I should have stopped to think about the pressure that would put you under, but all I could think about then was...how much I love you. And how much I know that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you too." Kurt's voice was a little chocked up, Blaine's speeches tend to have that effect on him, "I'm just not sure now is the right time for us. I mean, we still need to get used to living together for goodness sake! And then we're still in school with parttime jobs, to add wedding planning to that just seems like a bit much."
"To quote a great guy I know, 'Maybe we don't need that kind of pressure right now.'"
Kurt smiles and a small laugh escapes him as he remembers their loft discussion all those months ago, "I just feel bad for wanting to postpone the wedding. Like it's a step back from how far we've come as a couple."
"Well, to quote another pretty great guy I know, 'We're not going backwards. I think we're being smart.'"
Kurt smiled and brought Blaine hands to lips for a quick peck, "By protecting something that is very precious to me, you know that right?"
Blaine's turned up into a smile as he also kissed Kurt's hands, "Always."
And so Kurt and Blaine enjoyed a delicious meal together, lightly bickered and complained about not being able to get a cab when it was pouring rain, and returned home. Their home.
As soon as the door was shut, Blaine pulled Kurt into a passionate kiss.
Kurt moaned into it before pulling back, "Not that I'm complaining but what was that for?"
Blaine shyly looked down but kept his hands in Kurt's, "I got really scared tonight when you said you didn't want to marry me. I just wanted to say thank you for not breaking up with me, as stupid as that sounds. I just feel like this night could have gone a completely different direction."
Kurt heart swelled with love for the gel haired man and pulled him in for another kiss.
He pulled away, only for a moment, to whisper something against Blaine's lips.
"I told you I would never say goodbye to you."
