Delivery Wars

Disclaimer: I still don't own Futurama, along with many other things I write about….

Mom stood at the window of her massive office and looked down at the city below her gigantic, 20,000 floor skyscraper. A scowl painted her wrinkled face.

"Look at the pathetic ants. They walk around aimlessly and lost." She said.

"Yes mother, stupid ants." The eldest son, Walt concurred.

"You could crush all of them with your very foot mother!" Larry added.

"Duh, actually ants are nature's engineers!" Ignar corrected.

Walt slapped his youngest brother in the head as he always did during an idiotic moment that frequented from him. Mom, somewhat amused lit up a cigarette and walked to her desk sitting in the throne behind it. She let out a sigh.

"Ignar, dearest fetch mommy something strong." Mom ordered her youngest son.

"What is the matter Mom" Walt asked.

"Planet Express is what's wrong! They have been taking our deliveries from right under our noses! They make the news at least once a week, people love them!" Mom said picking up the New New York Times.

The front headline had a picture of Dr. Zoidberg who had cured the diaherra epidemic that had plagued New New York after the whole tainted food at the Taco Belleview hospital. She slammed the paper down in disgust on her exotic Martian marble desk.

"Maybe we could lower our prices?" Larry asked.

Mom gave a dirty scowl to her middle son. Walt gave the exact same scowl to his younger brother. Larry sighed and slapped himself in the face as hard as he could.

"Hasn't your dear old mother taught you anything? If you can't compete with somebody, ruin them. Sabotage them. If you have to, kill them!" Mom said taking another drag of her cigarette. "Ignar, where the hell is my drink?" She yelled.

Meanwhile across town, the Planet Express employees all sat in their familiar and respected seats at the conference table. Fry was just finishing up a story.

"And that's how I got rid of those mushrooms that were growing in my shower. Who would have thought that cleaning the shower was the answer all along?" Fry concluded.

"That is without a doubt, the most hideous and grotesque story I have ever heard mon, even worse than dis fan fiction I read last night called Agony in Pink!" Hermes commented.

"Wow, you read the entire thing? I had nightmares just reading the first 4 paragraphs!" The Bending bot remarked, shuddering.

"Agony in Pink?" Amy asked looking at her pink sweat suit.

"I'm telling ya, don't look for it. It's awful!" Hermes went on.

"I'm goggling it later then!" Amy replied.

"Fools. I am a robot, and it caused me emotional trauma!" Bender dramatically screamed. "Damn you Dark Ranger, damn you!"

Everyone was silent when the 160 year old plus Professor walked, more like hobbled into the room. They watched for approximately 5 minutes before he reached the table.

"Good news everyone! Today we have a delivery to Uranus!" The Professor said with delight.

"I'm not sure if I like the sound of this one!" Fry gasped.

"Speaking of Uranus, Fry, your mandatory company prostate exam is tomorrow!" Zoidberg said seriously.

"That isn't until I'm 40!" Fry said.

"Actually, Planet Express regulations state it's anally, I mean annually mon." Hermes stated in his Jamaican accent.

Fry began to sulk; he folded his arms on the desk and hid his face in between them. Everyone looked at him for a second, and continued on.

"Yes, yes Zoidberg. Thanks for sharing that. Now, you will be delivering a crate of toilet paper to the Uranus, Ukrainians…..oh you get the point." The Professor went on.

"Its hard to believe the people of Uranus has yet to master the concept of the 3 sea shells." Leela remarked. "Fry, how are you coming along with those by the way?"

There wasn't an answer from Fry, who was still crying about the exam Zoidberg would be administering the next day. He started to ram his head into the desk and ask why.

Finally Leela, Bender and Fry boarded the ship. Leela began to plan a course, it wasn't much of a deal since they weren't leaving the solar system, it was the 21st Century equivalent of going around the block twice. Leela looked at her delivery boy who still seemed in utter shock and disbelief.

"Fry would you like to commence the count down?" Leela asked politely.

"Oh oh, I want to, can I, Leela, hey Leela!" Bender began to scream flailing his arms around like a child in elementary school that knows the answer.

"No. Bender, I asked Fry, it's not your turn." Leela went on like a Kindergarten teacher.

"No far! Fry can't even count past 10!" Bender said turning back to his counsel. "Stupid Fry always gets to do the count down. I'll make my own count down, with black jack…..and hookers!"

Fry still sat silently.

"I know somebody that wants to stop for ice cream! Hmm who is it?" Leela asked. "Is it the ship? No, it's not the ship. Is it the A.I.? No it's not the A.I.! Who is it Fry?" Leela began to speak like a mother to her toddler.

"Oh oh, I know, it's me!" Fry replied. "Right?"

Leela nodded. Soon they were on their way through the solar system toward their destination. Leela glanced over to Fry who sat at the navigation consol. It really wasn't necessary since the Auto Pilot was running, but it kept Fry occupied. The blinking lights and pretty colors kept his attention rather well. Bender was in the quarters assigned for him and his buddy laying in one of the hammocks. He let out a sinister laugh and pulled an extension cord out of his chest cavity and plugged it into an electrical socket. A violent shock emitted.

"Oh, that's good stuff." Bender replied.

The red light on the intercom mounted on the ceiling of the room began to glow.

"Bender! Do you need to go back to those substance abuse courses?" Leela asked her tone annoyed.

"What? You know I wouldn't do that, I beat my addiction. How dare you throw such slanderous words! Lies!" Bender ranted on.

Leela sighed from her seat at the helm. It was obvious he was shocking himself, their was a slight decrease on power displayed on the monitor. Suddenly the hull of the ship shook violently the sound of metal on metal rumbled through the exterior. The ships claxon sounded.

Fry who was napping, remembered that sound from Star Trek. It was a bad sound! The ship was under attack!

"Leela what the hell is going on?" Fry panicked.

"No time, get up in the laser dome and start blasting!" Leela yelled over the claxon.

Fry climbed up the ladder, it was a challenge since the whole ship was shaking left and right. He activated the laser and waited for a target to travel into his line of sight. A small fighter sized vessel came into sight; he guided the turret towards it and let a rapid burst of fire toward it. He tipped the tail of the vessel and it spiraled out of control wildly. He didn't recognize the make or anything that would verify who it belonged to, not that he was an expert on such a thing. He rotated the turret around 360 degrees to scan the horizon for more hostile vessels. He saw 2 more ships heading towards them at break neck speed.

Walt called his youngest brother, Ignar over the radio on an alternate frequency.

"Ignar you moron! Let me show you how it's done!" He replied.

Walt expertly handled the controls of his ship, and dodged the blasts gracefully. Fry couldn't get a lock on him. He started to head for the underbelly of the lime green ship and returned fire.

Damn it! He is right under us! Leela said keeping her single eye on the radar display on her consol. She began to perform every evasive maneuver she had read in the ships manual a few years back, but to no avail. The craft was sticking to her like white on rice.

Walt let off another barrage of laser fire and the bottom of the ship ignited like a flare in the darkness of space. Larry had joined the battle too and blasted at the lightly armed vessel, dodging the poorly placed shots from the laser turret.

"There coming in too fast!" Fry cried.

Walt began to order his two brothers back, when a ship that had been tumbling violently around collided with him.

"Der, sorry Walt." Ignar apologized.

Walt pushed a button next to the joystick of his own craft and watched in amusement over his view screen as a robotic hand started to slap Ignar endlessly. The 3 craft left as quickly as they had appeared before their sneak attack.

Leela looked over her instrument panel. The shields were operating at 9. Cocktail olives were low. The New New York Giants had lost Super Bowl MMMXXX to the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the instruments are acting funny, Cleveland in the Super Bowl? Not in this millennium!" Leela exclaimed.

She checked the radar one last time and told Fry to come back down, their were no hostilities in sight. Bender had decided to join his comrades on the ships deck as well, he was nearly out of olives to make martinis.

"So Leela, what are we doing now?" Fry asked, hands in his pockets.

"Well, the diagnostic said that our shields are almost totally depleted, we are almost out of olives in the ship's bar, and the Super Bowl winner picking machine is on the fritz as well." Leela explained.

"Oh you're God! The Super Bowl winner picking machine? Those monsters!" Bender shook his iron fist in the air.

"I know Bender; not having such a vital device operational has forced me to turn the ship around to Earth. Hermes is going to be pissed, that's for sure. I hate to say it, but we failed an easy mission. Cant be good for business." Leela went on.

An hour later the ship had been docked in its resting place in the docking bay, and Amy Wong was underneath the ship welding without a welding mask. She looked directly into the arc and went blind temporarily and fell off of her ladder. Hermes watched with dissatisfaction.

"Those Ukrainians or whatever the hell they call themselves did the unthinkable! They send me an angry E-mail. Do you know the significance of this! Screw up's like dis could put us out of business!" Hermes turned around and addressed the crew. "Luckily, we have another delivery. Please don't screw this one up."

"But Hermes the ship is busted!" Fry replied.

"I know you moron. This package needs to be delivered to I.C. Weiner in central park. You can walk there mon!" Hermes explained.

" I.C. Weiner? Doesn't that sound like a fake name?" Fry asked.

" Fry, we don't have time for your 20th century jokes, mon. Just don't screw up delivering this package. After all you are a delivery boy." Hermes handed him the package.

Fry walked alone carrying the small package. Since this delivery was local, and not interstellar it was his job since his job was the delivery boy. He whistled walking on sunshine and continued on his walk to Central Park.

Walt and his 2 brothers hid behind a tree and watched the dim witted delivery boy wander into the park, whistling some stupid tune from the Middle Ages.

"What an idiot... there are more words other than I'm walking on sunshine!" Walt hissed.

The 3 brothers watched as Fry entered the park and stopped. Fry looked down at the address on the package.

"I.C. Weiner?" Fry called out loudly.

Ignar, dressed in disguise began to laugh into his hand. Walt sighed and shoved his not to bright brother out into the open.

"Der, I'm I.C. Weiner!" Ignar went on.

"Wow, I thought this was going to be some kind of prank. The last I.C. Weiner I had a delivery for was actually a small alien that had me cryogenically frozen! Are you related?" Fry asked in astonishment.

Ignar took the package and started to open it. Fry stood their stupidly as always and watched to see what the package for I.C. Weiner contained. The man who claimed to be I.C. Weiner pulled out a single glove.

"Just one glove? In the middle of the summer?" Fry asked, scratching his head.

Ignar pulled off his disguise, a pair of glasses and a mustache and slapped Fry with the glove and ran off into the park, Fry watched as Walt and Larry ran off as well laughing the entire way.

"Well that was relatively annoying, I.C. Weiner sure is going to be sad he got his glove stolen. Why do I feel those momma's boys are up to no good?" Fry concluded and headed back toward Planet Express.

To be continued…. Da da da!